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What a lovely day … but

I travelled up to Sheffield with Robin today to see Mary and Sue and they are lovely, exactly my sort of nutters. I found it a little awkward having to tell them that I could not promise to go to Florida with them next October; they seemed to be certain I was going along with them. The fact it, there are too many things I just don’t know the answers to. I don’t know when Jermaine will go full time residential, I don’t know if I will be in college, work or at home. I don’t know how this arthritis (if that’s what it is) is going to affect me because it seems to get a little worse daily. I also have no idea how much money I will have to spend on anything as bold as a Florida holiday. I mean, if anyone can find the money it’s me but it’s by no means certain. I don’t know how well my friendship with Martyn will hold up either. He knows how I feel which may have been a mistake on my part so I half expect at any moment he will go into severe freaked out mode and that’ll be that. For my part, I don’t want or need to add any pressure to him, I would rather wait and see what, if anything, happens in the future and if we end up as just very good friends, that’s cool. So, I am thinking, yes, I would like to do Gran Canaria with Martyn in May and also Florida with him in October but ideally a villa of our own, I am not sure Mary and Sue would be overly keen about us skinnydipping in the pool though I am sure we’d get no complaints from Robin!

What I am finding really scary is that I am thinking to myself that, well, I have almost resigned myself to the possible fact that I may well be not long for the world of the fit and healthy. It worries me that I can be thinking that way as it certainly isn’t the way I want my life to go. The worrying aspect of that is that I would not feel right being around healthy people if I became incapable of doing stuff. Why put their life on hold. I know how I feel about the past decade or so of my life. Clearly I love my son but, on the other hand, I find myself wishing I’d had a normal life without all the caring. I am just not sure I want to put anyone else through that, I saw what it did to Nick and I don’t want to do that to anyone. Naturally enough, I don’t want that to happen to me either so I am hoping that whatever it is that is currently wrong with me turns out to be some sort of glitch and not serious. I guess this is just a huge period of uncertainty for me and … not nice.

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