Steve from England

That's because I intended to write on Boxing day and technically it isn't any more. Watched Kinky Boots the other day and I was amazed, the movie was just excellent and made me proud to live in Northampton. Spoke seriously this evening about Matt's impending 10 minute movie and finally got somewhere. he's to ask Ian to play the lead and me as the second (oh brother). He may get Richard to do the piss off manager and his teacher and the wife. The kids are currently set to be Daisy and the munchkin. It may actually work though I may need to keep the vodka flowing to get somewhere with it. Robin seems a lot better which is brilliant ... still not eating a great deal but hopefully that will change given time and I think a week in the nut house has convinced him he isn't! I am feeling quite optimistic about 2007, it holds some prospects I am quite keen on, it may even be fun!

That's because I intended to write on Boxing day and technically it isn't any more. Watched Kinky Boots the other day and I was amazed, the movie was just excellent and made me proud to live in Northampton. Spoke seriously this evening about Matt's impending 10 minute movie and finally got somewhere. he's to ask Ian to play the lead and me as the second (oh brother). He may get Richard to do the piss off manager and his teacher and the wife. The kids are currently set to be Daisy and the munchkin. It may actually work though I may need to keep the vodka flowing to get somewhere with it. Robin seems a lot better which is brilliant ... still not eating a great deal but hopefully that will change given time and I think a week in the nut house has convinced him he isn't! I am feeling quite optimistic about 2007, it holds some prospects I am quite keen on, it may even be fun!

Twas the night before Christmas, well, afternoon really We're all for big hugs, we're all touchy feely Presents beneath our black Christmas tree they sit I hope they're all good but probably shit We've shopped 'til we've dropped, go Comets, go Dixons Homebase and Halfords, the lights we did fix 'em Flashing and Throbbing, watched Batman and Robin Ate some minced pies, some sausage and fries Roll on tomorrow, it's mad but we love it Cooking the dinner, the turkey we stuff it Open the prezzies we are so full of glee Something for you and much more for me So get thee to bed, be still, rest your head put down that book, your clothing do shed Dream pleasant dreams of Christmas's past Close your eyes now my love, it's Christmas at last

Twas the night before Christmas, well, afternoon really We're all for big hugs, we're all touchy feely Presents beneath our black Christmas tree they sit I hope they're all good but probably shit We've shopped 'til we've dropped, go Comets, go Dixons Homebase and Halfords, the lights we did fix 'em Flashing and Throbbing, watched Batman and Robin Ate some minced pies, some sausage and fries Roll on tomorrow, it's mad but we love it Cooking the dinner, the turkey we stuff it Open the prezzies we are so full of glee Something for you and much more for me So get thee to bed, be still, rest your head put down that book, your clothing do shed Dream pleasant dreams of Christmas's past Close your eyes now my love, it's Christmas at last

I won £10.50 on Euro-Millions the other day. Old wives tale now … I have itchy palms, what does that mean? According to my mate ‘Google’ the itching in my left palm means I am going to be given some money and, in the right palm, I am going to have money taken away … yeah, that so fits! Thinking positively though, my left palm is more itchy so maybe the net result could be me quids in? It took me a long while to calm down last night after getting in … after dropping Nick off I called home to let them know I was on my way, I was really missing them for some reason, probably because of the movie. John told me they were watching ‘Cars’ a DVD that I had asked to watch together as a family because it is so funny. That really upset me so I was in a right mood when I got in … then I found out that earlier they had watched ‘Ice Age II’ another movie I was looking forward to seeing as a family and everyone knew this on both counts and there were other movies they could have watched. Da

I won £10.50 on Euro-Millions the other day. Old wives tale now … I have itchy palms, what does that mean? According to my mate ‘Google’ the itching in my left palm means I am going to be given some money and, in the right palm, I am going to have money taken away … yeah, that so fits! Thinking positively though, my left palm is more itchy so maybe the net result could be me quids in? It took me a long while to calm down last night after getting in … after dropping Nick off I called home to let them know I was on my way, I was really missing them for some reason, probably because of the movie. John told me they were watching ‘Cars’ a DVD that I had asked to watch together as a family because it is so funny. That really upset me so I was in a right mood when I got in … then I found out that earlier they had watched ‘Ice Age II’ another movie I was looking forward to seeing as a family and everyone knew this on both counts and there were other movies they could have watched. Da

‘No man is a failure that has friends’ That’s the quote from the end of ‘It’s a wonderful life’, one of if not my favourite movie. But it’s sentimental crap. A man can have friends yet not be worth anything to himself and that’s where it matters, the need to feel valuable with in ourselves. It’s great I have friends but it doesn’t make the headache go away, it doesn’t make me feel valued as anything other than a crutch, a number, a support system and, in some cases, I feel like the sorry excuse to be taken care of, I am never really certain that I am valued as a person even if I never actually perform any useful purpose again. Probably that’s unfair, Ian & Richard are a couple I certainly cannot imagine could gain anything from me so I have to assume their friendship is genuine but, I am also aware that I am totally nothing like anyone they know from what I have seen and I don’t even shag away anymore so what do they see in me? Right from as long ago as I r

‘No man is a failure that has friends’ That’s the quote from the end of ‘It’s a wonderful life’, one of if not my favourite movie. But it’s sentimental crap. A man can have friends yet not be worth anything to himself and that’s where it matters, the need to feel valuable with in ourselves. It’s great I have friends but it doesn’t make the headache go away, it doesn’t make me feel valued as anything other than a crutch, a number, a support system and, in some cases, I feel like the sorry excuse to be taken care of, I am never really certain that I am valued as a person even if I never actually perform any useful purpose again. Probably that’s unfair, Ian & Richard are a couple I certainly cannot imagine could gain anything from me so I have to assume their friendship is genuine but, I am also aware that I am totally nothing like anyone they know from what I have seen and I don’t even shag away anymore so what do they see in me? Right from as long ago as I r

I was at Zoey’s school play earlier … as usual, too long with some suspect creations but OK for all that. The thing is, I got really upset at the start of it because I just kept thinking about Jermaine and it was terribly emotional. It felt like he had died and I was still upset at his passing and, in a way, I guess he has because he isn’t the boy I used to know anymore. What also upset me was that at this moment I realised that all my kids will one day be gone. It’s good of course, I mean, it has to happen but all the same, to dedicate all those years and then it is over just feels so empty.

I was at Zoey’s school play earlier … as usual, too long with some suspect creations but OK for all that. The thing is, I got really upset at the start of it because I just kept thinking about Jermaine and it was terribly emotional. It felt like he had died and I was still upset at his passing and, in a way, I guess he has because he isn’t the boy I used to know anymore. What also upset me was that at this moment I realised that all my kids will one day be gone. It’s good of course, I mean, it has to happen but all the same, to dedicate all those years and then it is over just feels so empty.

There is this programme on the TV about parents with disabled kids, how they cope, what they do, whether they terminate the pregnancy etc. The termination was never an option with Jermaine and Zoey as there was no test available for what they had. That aside, this morning was the first time I had ever considered that as an option. I am not normally a one for saying ‘what if?’ but sometimes it is called for, time to evaluate decisions. Quite possibly I am not selfish often enough, I look at the right or, more commonly, logical thing to do and rarely just what my heart tells me to do. If there had been a test for the kids all those years ago I know I would have decided to keep them but for the wrong reasons. It wouldn’t have been because they had a right to live or that I was particularly skilled to cope with a person who has a disability. No, it would have been because they are mine and no one was going to take something away from me. In my mind somewhere I know was the t

There is this programme on the TV about parents with disabled kids, how they cope, what they do, whether they terminate the pregnancy etc. The termination was never an option with Jermaine and Zoey as there was no test available for what they had. That aside, this morning was the first time I had ever considered that as an option. I am not normally a one for saying ‘what if?’ but sometimes it is called for, time to evaluate decisions. Quite possibly I am not selfish often enough, I look at the right or, more commonly, logical thing to do and rarely just what my heart tells me to do. If there had been a test for the kids all those years ago I know I would have decided to keep them but for the wrong reasons. It wouldn’t have been because they had a right to live or that I was particularly skilled to cope with a person who has a disability. No, it would have been because they are mine and no one was going to take something away from me. In my mind somewhere I know was the t

It seems that my current spate of shit is still being thrust against me … my windscreen was blown apart earlier on the way home from Ian & Richard’s by a low flying pheasant. My RAC cover had expired but they’d not bothered sending out a reminder so how I was I meant to know? This meant I had to drive looking through this shattered screen for 24 miles hoping it didn’t collapse in on me. On getting home I had to buy myself a recovery package to make sure I don’t get caught out again which is £60 and I still need to find the excess for the screen replacement. I was so pleased with myself for someone actually showing gratitude with cash for some favour I did, it seemed like I was getting a little reward and it was sweet. But, that and more is gone now, what is given with hand is taken away with interest from the other. Because of my recent bought of terrible luck I am now reluctant to go anywhere in the car, it just costs me more and more. I still have to find the money

It seems that my current spate of shit is still being thrust against me … my windscreen was blown apart earlier on the way home from Ian & Richard’s by a low flying pheasant. My RAC cover had expired but they’d not bothered sending out a reminder so how I was I meant to know? This meant I had to drive looking through this shattered screen for 24 miles hoping it didn’t collapse in on me. On getting home I had to buy myself a recovery package to make sure I don’t get caught out again which is £60 and I still need to find the excess for the screen replacement. I was so pleased with myself for someone actually showing gratitude with cash for some favour I did, it seemed like I was getting a little reward and it was sweet. But, that and more is gone now, what is given with hand is taken away with interest from the other. Because of my recent bought of terrible luck I am now reluctant to go anywhere in the car, it just costs me more and more. I still have to find the money

In a recent course I was taught the importance of saying NO! The thing is, it only works if I say no to people that can afford to have me say no to them. So, I say yes and I make adjustments to my life to compensate for what I have given away either in time, financially or emotionally. The best reward for what I do is to have peeps say I am appreciated, to be there when I am in need and just go that extra mile now and then even though it may mean they go without something to do so. It hardly ever happens of course, being a good guy sometimes just sucks. I spent a lot this year on gifts confident I had the money. What I didn’t know was that I was about to get my car clobbered and that a fault would develop with the engine and together they would cost me £400 I didn’t have. For years I have run a group for gay dads, given up a lot of time and helped loads of guys out behind the scenes but what thanks do I get? Nope, someone that very easily opens his house once e

In a recent course I was taught the importance of saying NO! The thing is, it only works if I say no to people that can afford to have me say no to them. So, I say yes and I make adjustments to my life to compensate for what I have given away either in time, financially or emotionally. The best reward for what I do is to have peeps say I am appreciated, to be there when I am in need and just go that extra mile now and then even though it may mean they go without something to do so. It hardly ever happens of course, being a good guy sometimes just sucks. I spent a lot this year on gifts confident I had the money. What I didn’t know was that I was about to get my car clobbered and that a fault would develop with the engine and together they would cost me £400 I didn’t have. For years I have run a group for gay dads, given up a lot of time and helped loads of guys out behind the scenes but what thanks do I get? Nope, someone that very easily opens his house once e

I can’t mention the thrilling subject of DVD’s in the title without letting everyone on the planet, nay, in the known universe know what I am on about … bugger it, too much of a lead in there and now I don’t have anything to match up to the introduction. I backed some stuff up on DVD, that’s as exciting as it gets. Robin’s has gone off to the USA , he should be there by now about to board the plane for the final leg of his journey, boy I wish I was there. I was so certain at the start of the year I was going and had I not done that holiday with Martyn I’d probably have committed myself to it as well but afterwards the figures just didn’t add up. One thing I hate doing is building myself up for something, especially a holiday, and then having to come down again. Our plan to go in 2009 is bold, if I am honest I can’t see it happening, it’s a pipe dream. Whilst I don’t know what, I do know that something significant is going to happen between now and then, something th

I can’t mention the thrilling subject of DVD’s in the title without letting everyone on the planet, nay, in the known universe know what I am on about … bugger it, too much of a lead in there and now I don’t have anything to match up to the introduction. I backed some stuff up on DVD, that’s as exciting as it gets. Robin’s has gone off to the USA , he should be there by now about to board the plane for the final leg of his journey, boy I wish I was there. I was so certain at the start of the year I was going and had I not done that holiday with Martyn I’d probably have committed myself to it as well but afterwards the figures just didn’t add up. One thing I hate doing is building myself up for something, especially a holiday, and then having to come down again. Our plan to go in 2009 is bold, if I am honest I can’t see it happening, it’s a pipe dream. Whilst I don’t know what, I do know that something significant is going to happen between now and then, something th

As an addendum to earlier cos sommit else happened … not that this is a shock … Matt had bike number whatever it is stolen from town earlier on today. Because Northampton has the worst police force in the country there is sod all point telling them about it and, besides, no body but a fool would leave their bike in the town centre on full display all day long without expecting it to be gone. I am now of the opinion that him getting a motorbike may actually be a good idea and, because it means he’ll wear the safety gear, he’ll be safer than he was on the bike and be a lot more mobile thus meaning I don’t have to keep driving him everywhere.

As an addendum to earlier cos sommit else happened … not that this is a shock … Matt had bike number whatever it is stolen from town earlier on today. Because Northampton has the worst police force in the country there is sod all point telling them about it and, besides, no body but a fool would leave their bike in the town centre on full display all day long without expecting it to be gone. I am now of the opinion that him getting a motorbike may actually be a good idea and, because it means he’ll wear the safety gear, he’ll be safer than he was on the bike and be a lot more mobile thus meaning I don’t have to keep driving him everywhere.

... No Charge by J J Barrie from 1976 kind of just happened to me and I’d quite forgotten it. I may remember to play this to the kids next time they argue about their chores and expect something by return. Emotions, vibrant and flowing just now for reasons I can’t quite fathom and just about anything can bring me tears of joy or happiness … It’s possible I am quite enjoying this as quite often I am flat with my feelings just beneath a thick layer of ice … could be global warming I guess, is it wrong to blame that for everything? I have been pondering that maybe it is the subconscious awareness of my feelings as they were just a year ago and that may have some merit as I find that this often happens around July 10 th when my mum died. The feelings just match up to the time of year when maybe things that we don’t even notice are there to remind us or could it be an internal body clock that automatically knows the season? Whichever explanation I may eventually settle upon it

... No Charge by J J Barrie from 1976 kind of just happened to me and I’d quite forgotten it. I may remember to play this to the kids next time they argue about their chores and expect something by return. Emotions, vibrant and flowing just now for reasons I can’t quite fathom and just about anything can bring me tears of joy or happiness … It’s possible I am quite enjoying this as quite often I am flat with my feelings just beneath a thick layer of ice … could be global warming I guess, is it wrong to blame that for everything? I have been pondering that maybe it is the subconscious awareness of my feelings as they were just a year ago and that may have some merit as I find that this often happens around July 10 th when my mum died. The feelings just match up to the time of year when maybe things that we don’t even notice are there to remind us or could it be an internal body clock that automatically knows the season? Whichever explanation I may eventually settle upon it

Yesterday we did healing techiques at my relaxation class and I really enjoyed it. The woman I 'healed' seemed to think it went well for her and she felt a lot better afterwards ... if I am honest, I did feel a certain 'power' during the process. When I was 'healed' I can't say it felt of anything much. My hips ached when I was sitting down because the chair was so high my feet never reached the ground but apart from that I didn't feel any miracle cure but I keep an open mind on the subject. Earlir on today I went to the hospital to see my ENT Consultant. He seemed very sheepish (what the fuck does that mean?) and there was a lawyer at the door listening in to the conversation. He kept saying how sorry he was that everything had gone so badly and that he didn't know why things didn't go through, he could see nothing in the notes that would have stopped me being put on the waiting list. Anyway, to avoid yet another cock-up during my scheduled oper

Yesterday we did healing techiques at my relaxation class and I really enjoyed it. The woman I 'healed' seemed to think it went well for her and she felt a lot better afterwards ... if I am honest, I did feel a certain 'power' during the process. When I was 'healed' I can't say it felt of anything much. My hips ached when I was sitting down because the chair was so high my feet never reached the ground but apart from that I didn't feel any miracle cure but I keep an open mind on the subject. Earlir on today I went to the hospital to see my ENT Consultant. He seemed very sheepish (what the fuck does that mean?) and there was a lawyer at the door listening in to the conversation. He kept saying how sorry he was that everything had gone so badly and that he didn't know why things didn't go through, he could see nothing in the notes that would have stopped me being put on the waiting list. Anyway, to avoid yet another cock-up during my scheduled oper

Whilst considering whether or not I wanted to sue the hospital or not I had a brainwave … sod it all and sod off for a week! So, with out undue haste I paid a visit to the Respect website to see what was available as I really quite fancied a week in Gran Canaria but, alas, the prices were silly. Out of curiosity I looked at Ibiza , I had not been for a dozen years so wondered what it may have to offer. I was amazed to see a price of £115 each all inclusive of flights as well. Well, there are some offers that just cannot be refused and that was one of them so I paid on the Monday and we flew out on the Sunday with Robin giving us a lift to Gatwick. Flights all swift and efficient with the exception of the landing which was anything but … no, I sit corrected; it was swift, way too swift! We hit the ground hard; the air brakes went on full blast followed a short while later by the wheel brakes, some significant screeching from the rubber on tarmac and a turn off at the last acc

Whilst considering whether or not I wanted to sue the hospital or not I had a brainwave … sod it all and sod off for a week! So, with out undue haste I paid a visit to the Respect website to see what was available as I really quite fancied a week in Gran Canaria but, alas, the prices were silly. Out of curiosity I looked at Ibiza , I had not been for a dozen years so wondered what it may have to offer. I was amazed to see a price of £115 each all inclusive of flights as well. Well, there are some offers that just cannot be refused and that was one of them so I paid on the Monday and we flew out on the Sunday with Robin giving us a lift to Gatwick. Flights all swift and efficient with the exception of the landing which was anything but … no, I sit corrected; it was swift, way too swift! We hit the ground hard; the air brakes went on full blast followed a short while later by the wheel brakes, some significant screeching from the rubber on tarmac and a turn off at the last acc

Seems I was right about the hospital and they did make a cock up. The woman investigating called me earlier today to say that the registrar I saw last March made a terrible recording of a letter about my operation so when the consultants secretary got it, she couldn't understand what she was saying. Easy enough to resolve we would have thought but no, apparently not. The secretary went on holiday meaning to sort it out upon her return and, of course, she didn't, it got left. So this is a letter saying that someone may have cancer so needs an urgent operation which got left whilst someone else went on holiday and then forgotten about totally. It really was not until I wrote them that they realised the mistake and made the appointment for surgery. I mentioned the complication of surgery to the nurse that did my pre-operative examination and she said that yes, it was all in the notes; they'd pick up on that. I mentioned it to the anaesthetist on the day of the operation and he

Seems I was right about the hospital and they did make a cock up. The woman investigating called me earlier today to say that the registrar I saw last March made a terrible recording of a letter about my operation so when the consultants secretary got it, she couldn't understand what she was saying. Easy enough to resolve we would have thought but no, apparently not. The secretary went on holiday meaning to sort it out upon her return and, of course, she didn't, it got left. So this is a letter saying that someone may have cancer so needs an urgent operation which got left whilst someone else went on holiday and then forgotten about totally. It really was not until I wrote them that they realised the mistake and made the appointment for surgery. I mentioned the complication of surgery to the nurse that did my pre-operative examination and she said that yes, it was all in the notes; they'd pick up on that. I mentioned it to the anaesthetist on the day of the operation and he

Every now and then I do something totally spontaneous. This is one of those times. I have been having that feeling that I need a holiday and seeing as we spent a long time and a challenging time getting John a passport, somewhere out of the country seemed to fit the bill. Being a creature of habit my first thought was to Disneyland Paris but on checking found that they were fully booked on most hotels and that can only mean one thing … very long queues on everything so ‘sod that’. Tried Gran Canaria next but that was silly money so I called the guys at Respect and asked where was cheap and poofie. So, we are ‘going to Ibiza, sunbeams sunbeams’ (I hope) this Sunday. The price is excellent at around £300 for the two of us for a week, flights included. We do have to sort out our own transfer from the airport but I cannot see that being a huge problem, about 20 minutes in a taxi from what I can see. Off subject, excuse I … my ENT consultant arranged an appointment for me to go visit him on

Every now and then I do something totally spontaneous. This is one of those times. I have been having that feeling that I need a holiday and seeing as we spent a long time and a challenging time getting John a passport, somewhere out of the country seemed to fit the bill. Being a creature of habit my first thought was to Disneyland Paris but on checking found that they were fully booked on most hotels and that can only mean one thing … very long queues on everything so ‘sod that’. Tried Gran Canaria next but that was silly money so I called the guys at Respect and asked where was cheap and poofie. So, we are ‘going to Ibiza, sunbeams sunbeams’ (I hope) this Sunday. The price is excellent at around £300 for the two of us for a week, flights included. We do have to sort out our own transfer from the airport but I cannot see that being a huge problem, about 20 minutes in a taxi from what I can see. Off subject, excuse I … my ENT consultant arranged an appointment for me to go visit him on