Skip to main content

A Wonderful Life

‘No man is a failure that has friends’

That’s the quote from the end of ‘It’s a wonderful life’, one of if not my favourite movie.

But it’s sentimental crap. A man can have friends yet not be worth anything to himself and that’s where it matters, the need to feel valuable with in ourselves.

It’s great I have friends but it doesn’t make the headache go away, it doesn’t make me feel valued as anything other than a crutch, a number, a support system and, in some cases, I feel like the sorry excuse to be taken care of, I am never really certain that I am valued as a person even if I never actually perform any useful purpose again.

Probably that’s unfair, Ian & Richard are a couple I certainly cannot imagine could gain anything from me so I have to assume their friendship is genuine but, I am also aware that I am totally nothing like anyone they know from what I have seen and I don’t even shag away anymore so what do they see in me?

Right from as long ago as I remember I have been second best, at best ‘average’. I have known more people that have shown me gratitude than I can recall, in the George Bailey sense, I am a success, and my life has made a real difference to others. Had I never been born a few parts of this planet would be the worse for it and that is brilliant to know but doesn’t bring me happiness. The thing is, George Bailey was happy to know what he had done in life was worthwhile, that he was a good person but he had Clarence. He had someone who would know such things to show him that it had been noticed and was appreciated. There is no one person that knows me that well and can see what I have achieved, the lives I have touched, no one will be coming through my door having reached into their pockets to make me the richest man in town, it just isn’t going to happen.

My life seems to be dedicated to the pursuit of happiness for others yet it somehow keeps eluding me in any lasting way. This could, of course be, because very few people have clearly gone out of their way for me … my 40th birthday party that didn’t happen comes to mind. Many birthdays before that which were enjoyable for others but because I did all the work whilst they watched on. The holidays that I arranged, the disasters that I took control of and all whilst others enjoyed themselves. I do the driving, I do the thinking and contrary to the impression I apparently give, I don’t like being in control all of the time I just often am as a defence because if I allow myself to hope that someone else will take the lead in my enjoyment I am most often sorely disappointed.

I am the sort of guy that people will come together at my funeral and cry and say what a wonderful guy I was, how I deserved a medal yet this doesn’t happen whilst I am alive and why? I don’t know, it’s humanity I guess. We only see the value of someone once they are dead. Oh, no, I am not contemplating that, anything but, I am letting off steam, it’s what this blog is for and, just lately I am neglecting it because there are things I want to say that frankly I just cannot and I cannot because I can’t trust those I know to understand that it is a feeling I am having now and it may have more to do with me than it does them.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

You Bloody Idiot

I had a really enjoyable time in Meltham with Stan and Pete, even that walk against the wind up the pub on Saturday evening in a blizzard was fun. On the way there I thought it’d be fun to take some pictures of the car in the snow. I had not realised just how windy it was, I seriously thought my door was stuck when I tried to open it but it was just being pressurised by the forces outside. I am lucky really the wind had not been behind me else the door would have been ripped off. On the way back on Sunday I paid a visit to Sue in Sheffield. I like Sue and she is a great conversationalist. The journey was not without incident as the satnav kept failing and crashing and just became useless. I eventually tracked the problem down to the loudspeaker connection for the mount and once I’d removed that it was stable and guided me well to Sue’s door. I am really happy to report that the steroid injection I had last week as helped ease my pain. I still have the pain but it is not restricting me ...
Read more

2 Weeks in

Amazing as it seems I am two weeks through my visit here. Some might be getting a little confused about why I am here. There is only one important reason and that is to be with Dennis. This isn’t a vacation to me, it’s just about having to travel to the Philippines because it is where Dennis happens to be. I’m still in very regular contact with home dealing with daily issues, the council, social services and so on. I am geographically away from it but technically still connected. Obviously it’s cool to wander into Manila and see the place, travel in a Jeepney and so on. Wandering around the malls is fun but it is who I am with rather than where I am that matters most to me. Highlights for me, apart from every second I spend with Dennis have to be meeting family and friends.         Veronica and her family and Imee of course who has kept me entertained for hours with conversation about anything and everything     Ireneo too tries real hard wit...
Post a Comment
Read more

Not a good day

Today is a very emotional one for me. I have no idea why that would be the case but apparently it is. For a day that had nothing pre-arranged this one has turned out quite busy. First, I agreed to take Matt for breakfast though I wasn't really hungry. He was being quite argumentative in the morning about some thing or other, I don't recall what exactly but some matter of politics where he was going to argue the toss whilst knowing little or nothing about it. But, even so, I was quite upbeat as Jermaine had gone to school on time ... no, scrub that, i was upbeat until I yet again had to tell Zoey to get her arse out of her room, downstairs, do her chores and get to school, that is when this day started to go downward. I spent way too much money on a new doorbell, true, we needed one but not one that cost nearly £50! This too has not helped. I went to see a garage that can fit parking sensors to my car, all well and good but they needed me to supply paint to match the circles up ...
Read more