Steve from England

Look, this M.E./CFS thing doesn't come with choices so that you know. I don't just think to myself that I feel a little sleepy so I'll snuggle in for a nice nap, that doesn't happen. I get to a point, way beyond tiredness during every day when I stop functioning on any sort of normal level. I struggle to make a cup of tea, I can't remember what I am doing, two cups of tea and you'd think it was a Krypton Factor test! I'll start heading to the toilet and forget where I was going and go somewhere else. I'll walk several times toward the kitchen to do a meal and never get there. Quite likely I'll go there to take my meds and totally forget my meds when I get there ... at least I can tell now when I have forgotten them! When I go for a nap it is because I just as well be comfortable, not sleeping isn't an option. It's not like I wake up feeling refreshed, I don't but I am able to function a little more than before for a while un...

Is it safe to have sex with someone who is HIV+? It can be, it is certainly totally OK to have a relationship with them and love them totally. It has to be remembered that everyone who is HIV+ got that way because they didn't take precautions. Sure, some just didn't care, they fucked whoever they wanted to hell with the consequences, that's a reality, both men and women. I've never told anyone this before but, the very first time a guy fucked me (when I was drunk and sleeping), he didn't use anything. He didn't know his status, he didn't care what his status was. By the time I was aware what was happening it was too late. Truth is, I was raped yet I did nothing about it because he was my friend, I trusted him and I was stupidly naive. I did get myself tested and I was OK but, he didn't know that, he didn't care. I could easily have been HIV+ myself now because I trusted someone. I was later in another relationship, it was an open relationsh...

I remember there was a TV programme about helping the police catch criminals. At the end the presenter would always say 'Don't have nightmares'. The explanation was simple ... Just because we know there is bad in the world it doesn't mean the world is bad. The World is basically a good place full of good people. Sadly, too many of those good people are led by powerful people desperate to hold on to their power whether they be dictators or religious leaders. Too many (mainly men) demanding obedience (or else). In 17 US States it is legal to marry off underage girls, no lower age limit if they are pregnant. So against the threat posed by their church are the parisherners that they would rather marry their daughter to her rapist than to bring a bastard into the world. I saw a guy interviewed who got a 14 year old pregnant when he was 24. He said he was no pedophile because pedophiles went for like, children, under 10. Translation of that is, any girl over the age of 11 is ...

What is luck? Of late it is tempting for me to believe I have been really rather unlucky. I have a mountain of debt, my health is awful. I can't work, most days I barely function, these things are all true. If I wanted to I have enough things I could highlight to demonstrate that the world hates me but ... does it? My mum would argue that she had arthritis because she had the strength to cope with it and if her having it meant other less strong people didn't have to, then it was OK. That's a way of thinking about it for sure. Some would claim that eventually Karma will recognise all the good I have done and luck will head my way because life has to balance out the good and the bad ... yeah, that's another viewpoint! Again, some might say that "we make our own luck". A valid point to be sure but, hmmm, not quite sure that's how it works either. My thought is that I am what I am. What I am makes me who I am and what I do with that is up to me. "I love y...

Let's get this totally clear ... we already know where we have been in life but we certainly don't know where our life is heading. The trouble here is, we spend so much time worrying about where we are going we tend to forget where we have been. When we choose to remember we then tend to cloud it with our negativity to where we think we might be going. We focus on the bad things which have happened in our life as though that is somehow the sum of our lives this far ... is it really? We may have an ex we would rather forget but, does that mean we have to forget all the good times we had with them? Perhaps someone died and it hurts so we try not to think about them but ... that thinking is what makes our love for them real, what keeps the memories alive. Some people go as far as to use their bad experiences as an excuse for why their life is going to be bad. Hey, you choose your path now, no one else is in the driving seat. Only if you allow the bad memories to dominate can they ...

I was just listening to the radio and they were discussing the human ability to lie to ourselves, to honestly believe we are honourable people who never lie yet continually have one part of ourselves convince another part of something which is actually untrue. How many of us are shocked when we see a picture of ourselves? This is because when we look in a mirror we have already convinced ourselves what we look like so, more or less, that's what we see. In those nano seconds before getting the image we already converted it. In the picture we seldom get that warning and see the reality which can come as quite a shock! How about our voice? Isn't it amazing how often you hear your own voice and barely recognise yourself or even go as far as to blame the equipment for in incorrect capture of our voice? Both these examples are the same thing, the perception we have of ourselves are the one we have convinced ourselves to be true. Reality often comes as quite a shock. Whether that is p...

Depression is something so many people do not comprehend. Truth be known, many who suffer from it don't understand it either. Every Invisible illnesses such as depression is hard to appreciate for anyone who has not suffered. It is too easy to dismiss them as trivial or laziness because, people identify with what they see, not what they don't Possibly we are programmed to automatically reject such things as weakness in a society still comparatively young in an evolutionary sense. Many suffering with mental health conditions will certainly tell you that they feel very weak whilst suffering as though they are letting the side down. Rarely does someone fully embrace a family member, colleague or friend and treat them how they need to be treated. Sadly, 'pull yourself together' is still a thing. Trust me, if pulling themselves together was a thing they would do it instantly. Why would anyone want to feel they are worthless, that their life is devoid of meaning? Everyone who...

Imaginative chef wanted to do the menu planning and cooking for one not overly fussy person who must cut out everything which will increase cholesterol and also anything which will provoke the onset of diabetes and promote rapid but healthy weight loss with minimal exercise. Salary negotiable as long as you don't need one, can accommodate Apply in writing to, who the hell I you kidding at no chance avenue, on your bike up the creek ... oh well, worth asking I guess! but seriously, my head is in a spin trying to sort it all out and tonight I just allowed myself a last binge of unhealthy stuff for the hell of it

Sure, I have some health issues but, I have not let anything beat me my entire life and I am in no mood to let it yet! I've a couple of interviews lined up already and my aim is to be fully employed and earning by next month (end of) which I have convinced myself is possible. As we failed in the process of becoming foster parents because Dennis doesn't yet have the right UK status I decided to try another route at helping to raise kids in need so, whilst it isn't all I am going for by a long way, it is on the list ... go me ... yay!

1963 Ford Cortina What is age? Well, The lovely car above was all the rage when I was born, that's a rather long while ago now ... but, I hear you say, the year I was born isn't as important as the year I became an adult so, let's explore a car of 1981 instead More like it ... still rather old but ... when I was 18, this was the dogs bollox Yes, the VW Golf GTI ... all the latest tech, you know, an engine, brakes, lights ... probably had, as an extra, a MW radio and cassette player too. TOKYO, Japan- 2 Sep 1945- Allied sailors and officers watch General of the Army Douglas MacArthur sign documents during the surrender ceremony aboard Missouri on 2 September 1945. Yes, just under 18 years before I was born was the final surrender of Japan in World War 2 ... some of you can easily contemplate 18 years as a number you can understand. I was 3 when this happened. Yes, you might consider the first moon landing (One small step for a man) as ancient history but, I remember this! Th...

Looking forward to 2019 Pay rise This year I am going to get a pay rise ... I know this because currently I get nothing and I plan to get something so, a raise is on the cards Health As the year goes on I am going to continue to have health. The alternative is I'll be dead so, I am looking at health for my best option. It might not be good health but, any health is better than the alternative. New Family Member Well, someone I am related to somewhere is going to get pregnant so it's probably very likely maybe! A Great Holiday Back in the day, a holiday would have been a trek to the countryside so I am really fortunate that the countryside is just down the road, my entire year could be a holiday! I Will Feel Loved Obviously I will see the funny side Anyone who doesn't is in for a miserable life! Weight is just going to Fall Off me I've a sort of ongoing weight problem. We can all lose weight, I do everytime I take a shit but, the longer term aim is to get rid of the huge...

Something changed here in the UK In reality, with growing gender equality here in Britain it became apparent that valuing women primarily for their looks was inappropriate. Demeaning was the word most commonly used, it devalued women to little more than fashion accessories for men in the eyes of many. I have to confess, I too feel uncomfortable with the concept. Too many countries seem to hold with the belief that attractiveness should lead to success, a person can get on better in life purely because they look the part. Just think about that for a moment, look long and hard at it and how damaging a concept that is. One person is better in every way to another just because of genetic markers they have zero control over? So, the logic might go, brown haired people should automatically be better than red heads because of their hair colour? Clearly the assumption is flawed. In the UK the pageants are all but banned. It's nearly impossible to watch one except on a streaming service. Ma...

This is what I do so, if you do the same, you'll be fine ... What is it? M.E. or CFS stand for basically the same condition, no one has yet settled on a set name, my doctor prefers CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). How it affects someone is more 'ME', as in the word. Like a great many conditions, there is not a one size fits all approach. Some broken legs heal in 6 weeks, some take 6 months. Some migraine attacks are over in a matter or hours, some take days. Autism isn't a condition, it's a broad spectrum of how it affects people. Likewise, CFS doesn't affect everyone the same. Two people could be 'moderate' sufferers yet be affected very differently. Some will continue a near normal life whilst others will have considerable struggles. Work Through It It upsets me when sufferers are treated as idiots with a condition which is basically in their head. You got to work through it being most commonly uttered. Some will say, once you get your self respect back...

Creating a final video for a friend who has died to show to friends and family after her funeral is one of the toughest things I have had to do. I describe as like peeling onions! Desperate to get it finished I was up last night until nearly 4:30 but, I couldn't have slept with it unfinished, it was too important. This morning it took me an hour to pluck up the courage to watch the finished production. Usually, video creating is akin to cooking a meal, by the time it is ready I am sick of it and don't want to see it anymore. With this, wow! An emotional explosion. Of course, I may be the only one it affects but, if all that work got just one predictable reaction, I am happy with it. Who would think so much could be packed into just 15 minutes, not very long at all for a lifetime. Obviously, no one will ever know how complex it was to make, that doesn't matter really, the end result it was matters. It probably holds the record for the fastest production ever by me. There wer...

Being indoors on my own I finally succumbed to my tiredness and went to bed. Laying there for a moment, desperate to sleep and in pain I thought to myself .. Fuck this, you're a long while dead so get your arse outta bed and live your life I am having a bath, doing some last moment packing, sorting out some housework and then, whatever there is to do, I am doing it

Before I sleep tonight I offer a prayer for those who need it.  Let them be guided along the right path through whatever they have to deal with. I will be around to support and love as long as I am blessed to be able to do so. Those needing this know who they are, please, can no one else ask what it is about.

Almost certainly it happens in other countries too, including the UK but few where there is such an easy opportunity. Abuse of children is wrong There is no good outcome, only tragic ones. The kids will go into the Philippines care system, they'll likely be abused there too. There is no happy ending for those children. I say this elsewhere but want it clearly understood. This is not widespread in the Philippines, many would also be appalled it goes on. The vast majority are beautiful people devoted to their families. This is a minority of Philippine nationals and a minority of westerners who create this. Apologies for the terribly quality and editing of that video. I didn't do it, it's just on the net and I didn't link to the BBC version because a lot wouldn't be able to see it. After the programme titles come up, that's the end. It then goes into repeating it again.so stop watching there. The mothers will be in prison at least 15 years. There is no justificatio...

It may seem like I go on about M.E. quite a lot. Probably I do. You see, if I had a broken leg, it would be obvious. Many might understand how debilitating a migraine is, some might also 'get' mental health issues ... though, that's pushing it. M.E. is invisible (mostly). It makes the person who has it look like a lazy good for nothing who is just looking for excuses not to do things, to avoid work. I hear people tell me that 'we all get tired'. This is true but, with M.E., you don't get tired, we 'are' tired, all of the time. Not just a little sleepy, but that sort of tired that happens at bedtime or, after a huge meal. That sort of tired like jet leg where the brain simply doesn't function or, when it is, it's like we are not fully in control and mistakes happen. Forgetting things, misplacing bits and bobs. Sometimes I just randomly sleep, no idea I am even doing it. Every day has to be planned, paced. I can keep going if I know what I am doin...

So, last few days I've been killing myself blitzing the house of bugs, yeah, I know, it isn't happening but go with me on this one! I've been in all the dark places, I have had webs caress my face, I have seen scuttling across the floor. I've not even wanted to see what came off me in the shower. All this I did to know I am the man, I am the man in charge of his own house, the boss, the kingpin ... no unwanted visitors here. The wasps are OK, they die anyway. Did I mention the steamer? I had that baby squirting in all the dark corners blasting away at anything that moved or, anything which could potentially move, let's not discriminate here. Hey, what do you get if you cross a spider with a squirrel? A spider that'll run up your leg and eat your nuts (ouch) The wasps are still dying by the way The vacuum cleaner at one point must have been like a spider reunion in there, all shapes and sizes, they must have had an absolute blast. Probably met spiders that's ...

I thought it was simple, search for job, get job, do job, loads of money, retire, sorted! I thought people who had more than one job were crazy. I thought zero hour contracts were for the scum, the people at the bottom of the employment chain who can't get anything better. Less than 18 months in to my employment reboot after nearly 30 years as an unpaid carer, I am doing my last few days of job number 4. I potentially have two other jobs lined up, both zero hours, nothing certain I am really just sick of it all. Always, I knew, get to be over 50 and it is going to be tough but, I didn't realise just how tough. Keeping my optimism is quite difficult now. Remaining upbeat challenging know how financially we're going to be screwed! Something will turn up, now would be good. Just right for me, even better. A role where I can manage my M.E. not put too much strain on my tennis elbow, perhaps have a quality home life and get paid at least a worthwhile income every month. I am pos...