Steve from England

Started sorting out the girls rooms on Saturday. Both the bunks went early in the day via freecycle and a guy who took Zoey's bed also dropped off a desk at the tip for us. Further to that, we have been invited round for coffee, how ever so very weird (but nice) Started the painting and was soon feeling quite ill and rather sorry for myself. Went at it rather half heartedly but did at least manage to put together Zoey's bed. By Sunday I was feeling really bad and went to bed for a few hours, not a lot was really getting done. Got up around 7 to greet Kay & Geoff, Jermaine, assorted carers, Matt & Anne. Maine was in a strange mood and managed to hit both Deej and Kay though I was spared. Matt said something which made me think in that he and Anne were feeling ill when they were decorating but someone has to do it ... that could have been me saying that so after they all left I got on with the decorating whilst Deej was in bed. He got up at some point and helped out. I th

Started sorting out the girls rooms on Saturday. Both the bunks went early in the day via freecycle and a guy who took Zoey's bed also dropped off a desk at the tip for us. Further to that, we have been invited round for coffee, how ever so very weird (but nice) Started the painting and was soon feeling quite ill and rather sorry for myself. Went at it rather half heartedly but did at least manage to put together Zoey's bed. By Sunday I was feeling really bad and went to bed for a few hours, not a lot was really getting done. Got up around 7 to greet Kay & Geoff, Jermaine, assorted carers, Matt & Anne. Maine was in a strange mood and managed to hit both Deej and Kay though I was spared. Matt said something which made me think in that he and Anne were feeling ill when they were decorating but someone has to do it ... that could have been me saying that so after they all left I got on with the decorating whilst Deej was in bed. He got up at some point and helped out. I th

But, it's only a cold so no biggie I think I am losing friendships and there is nothing I can do about it. A couple I know recently, one asked who I was when I sent a text, he'd deleted my number and the other ignores me on MSN. We have stayed with these guys, they have stayed here and we got along OK, known them for years and they have not said there is a problem. Another friend kind of didn't tell me he's visiting Matt. This is a friend of mine who met Matt through me yet he tells me he's real busy and doesn't have much time. Yet another guy is in regular contact with Matt yet they met through me and he was my friend, seem not any more. Sadly I think I know why but there is nothing I can do about it or would want to do about it. I can't please everyone with my choice of partners. I don't want to lose friends but, at the same time, I need to be my own person and be with who I want to be with. So, right now there are some serious vacancies for friends in

But, it's only a cold so no biggie I think I am losing friendships and there is nothing I can do about it. A couple I know recently, one asked who I was when I sent a text, he'd deleted my number and the other ignores me on MSN. We have stayed with these guys, they have stayed here and we got along OK, known them for years and they have not said there is a problem. Another friend kind of didn't tell me he's visiting Matt. This is a friend of mine who met Matt through me yet he tells me he's real busy and doesn't have much time. Yet another guy is in regular contact with Matt yet they met through me and he was my friend, seem not any more. Sadly I think I know why but there is nothing I can do about it or would want to do about it. I can't please everyone with my choice of partners. I don't want to lose friends but, at the same time, I need to be my own person and be with who I want to be with. So, right now there are some serious vacancies for friends in

I have been trying this evening to think of decisions I have made that are singularly responsible for getting me to the point I am at now. Clearly being born, the first steps and learning how not to shite my pants were a help, I am sure things would be far different for me now were I to still be wearing a nappy and needed changing every few hours. Actually, I was thinking more of those later decisions in my life which I can pinpoint that had they not happened a whole host of other things could not have happened either. Learning to drive at 17 was one of them. I consider this to be the first major decision and turning point of my life, no pun intended (no matter how good). Had I not learned to drive then I would not have driven to Basildon and convinced myself that was where I wanted to live. I could not have then dragged my parents there to look at houses and ultimately move in 1981 In 1983 I barely consider it was my decision to begin a relationship with Neil, that just sort of popped

I have been trying this evening to think of decisions I have made that are singularly responsible for getting me to the point I am at now. Clearly being born, the first steps and learning how not to shite my pants were a help, I am sure things would be far different for me now were I to still be wearing a nappy and needed changing every few hours. Actually, I was thinking more of those later decisions in my life which I can pinpoint that had they not happened a whole host of other things could not have happened either. Learning to drive at 17 was one of them. I consider this to be the first major decision and turning point of my life, no pun intended (no matter how good). Had I not learned to drive then I would not have driven to Basildon and convinced myself that was where I wanted to live. I could not have then dragged my parents there to look at houses and ultimately move in 1981 In 1983 I barely consider it was my decision to begin a relationship with Neil, that just sort of popped

Life is like being in a toilet bowl. Most of the time we can be happy surrounded by something bright and shiny. Every now and then it will rain down upon us.But with our shiny surround comes the certainty that sure as we are alive we shall have the occasional shitty time from which we are cleansed. The real problem is, once in a while the shit gets so heavy that wipe around is not enough, we need a good scrub up before we can be shiny and bright again except that no one ever wants to do the scrubbing.

Life is like being in a toilet bowl. Most of the time we can be happy surrounded by something bright and shiny. Every now and then it will rain down upon us.But with our shiny surround comes the certainty that sure as we are alive we shall have the occasional shitty time from which we are cleansed. The real problem is, once in a while the shit gets so heavy that wipe around is not enough, we need a good scrub up before we can be shiny and bright again except that no one ever wants to do the scrubbing.

For reasons I don't quite understand I am feeling very low at the moment. I am sure it is no one thing causing this but many smaller things. I do have stuff going on in my life at the moment but cannot resolve any of them, they all need time which means that whilst I am giving them that time I have a host of other things which remain unresolved. One thing for sure is that I can't grasp any happiness right now. I can see it there for the taking and know it should make me happy but it just isn't registering. Every little bit of negativity is taking hold of me. I need space to get my brain in gear and sort myself out but I don't have anywhere or, frankly, the money to create anywhere right now. With three very needy people at home I am never allowed time to myself except very late at night and that compounds the issue because going to bed at post 3am is not healthy. My feeling is that I am drained, exhausted. All I really want to do is sleep and that says depression to me.

For reasons I don't quite understand I am feeling very low at the moment. I am sure it is no one thing causing this but many smaller things. I do have stuff going on in my life at the moment but cannot resolve any of them, they all need time which means that whilst I am giving them that time I have a host of other things which remain unresolved. One thing for sure is that I can't grasp any happiness right now. I can see it there for the taking and know it should make me happy but it just isn't registering. Every little bit of negativity is taking hold of me. I need space to get my brain in gear and sort myself out but I don't have anywhere or, frankly, the money to create anywhere right now. With three very needy people at home I am never allowed time to myself except very late at night and that compounds the issue because going to bed at post 3am is not healthy. My feeling is that I am drained, exhausted. All I really want to do is sleep and that says depression to me.