Steve from England

I have not really had a lot happen over the past few days, not anything worth telling about anyway. I have needed to get something off my chest to someone so I have done that and I feel better for it regardless of any possible consequences, I just don’t care anymore! My 42nd birthday looms ever closer and I am just a little apprehensive about it not knowing what is going to happen and, because I am not arranging it, I almost feel obligated to enjoy myself regardless of whether or not I actually do! Maybe next year I should arrange my own birthday celebrations. Having Jermaine in respite for only 6 hours a day is pointless, it isn’t enough to do anything meaningful at all but we are trying all the same. Still hoping I can get us off to GC but had the most awful thoughts about it last night. I was wondering how well the other gay guys are going to take me having kids with me at the bars? Will we be picked on negatively by the drag queens or will they just accept us as we are? I had visio

I have not really had a lot happen over the past few days, not anything worth telling about anyway. I have needed to get something off my chest to someone so I have done that and I feel better for it regardless of any possible consequences, I just don’t care anymore! My 42nd birthday looms ever closer and I am just a little apprehensive about it not knowing what is going to happen and, because I am not arranging it, I almost feel obligated to enjoy myself regardless of whether or not I actually do! Maybe next year I should arrange my own birthday celebrations. Having Jermaine in respite for only 6 hours a day is pointless, it isn’t enough to do anything meaningful at all but we are trying all the same. Still hoping I can get us off to GC but had the most awful thoughts about it last night. I was wondering how well the other gay guys are going to take me having kids with me at the bars? Will we be picked on negatively by the drag queens or will they just accept us as we are? I had visio

Today I met someone for the first time, I loved it, it was wonderful, I'm not saying any more! I also popped into see David & Greg and had some tea with them and sat there watching the Orient Express puff into the station. I spent most of the travel time listening to Coldplay on my Ipod, I am not sure why I have not listened to them much before, they are really good.

Today I met someone for the first time, I loved it, it was wonderful, I'm not saying any more! I also popped into see David & Greg and had some tea with them and sat there watching the Orient Express puff into the station. I spent most of the travel time listening to Coldplay on my Ipod, I am not sure why I have not listened to them much before, they are really good.

Today has been quite good, well; about as good as it gets for me just now. This morning I had a lay in until 10:00 which was great, follow that with breakfast out and then onto lunch out with David and Robin in MK and so far so good. Weather too was good, not scorching but nice and great driving with the windows open for a change. Matt was a little concerned that his plans for my birthday were not coming together and Tony is not helping him winding him up about tying me up in the forest! Poor Matt isn’t getting the joke as getting it right means a lot to him whereas I am just happy that he is doing his best which has rarely been the case with others on previous birthdays. For the record, being tied up anywhere is about the last think I would want at any time of year and especially on my birthday!

Today has been quite good, well; about as good as it gets for me just now. This morning I had a lay in until 10:00 which was great, follow that with breakfast out and then onto lunch out with David and Robin in MK and so far so good. Weather too was good, not scorching but nice and great driving with the windows open for a change. Matt was a little concerned that his plans for my birthday were not coming together and Tony is not helping him winding him up about tying me up in the forest! Poor Matt isn’t getting the joke as getting it right means a lot to him whereas I am just happy that he is doing his best which has rarely been the case with others on previous birthdays. For the record, being tied up anywhere is about the last think I would want at any time of year and especially on my birthday!

Nothing at all went wrong today, that is just so weird ... nope, I forgot, yes, something went very wrong but I am so used to things I forgot all about it! Our Jermaine decided that he was rather fed up with using the toilet so he had a shit in the bath instead. I found him with a turd in the bath, another hanging and stuck to his arse pubes and his hands covered in shit where he had wondered just what it was that was falling from his bum. You'd think the bath was a fairly good place to do it if somewhere other than the loo has to be chosen and, I guess, to an extent that is true. However, he was still wearing his trousers and pants and had managed to fill them too and when I finally got them off him ready to clean him up, he decided to get out of the bath. It took an age to get him back in there again but I managed it and cleaned him up passing him over to Matt to redress whilst I cleaned up the mess in the bath and on me and took the shit covered clothes downstairs to be washed .

Nothing at all went wrong today, that is just so weird ... nope, I forgot, yes, something went very wrong but I am so used to things I forgot all about it! Our Jermaine decided that he was rather fed up with using the toilet so he had a shit in the bath instead. I found him with a turd in the bath, another hanging and stuck to his arse pubes and his hands covered in shit where he had wondered just what it was that was falling from his bum. You'd think the bath was a fairly good place to do it if somewhere other than the loo has to be chosen and, I guess, to an extent that is true. However, he was still wearing his trousers and pants and had managed to fill them too and when I finally got them off him ready to clean him up, he decided to get out of the bath. It took an age to get him back in there again but I managed it and cleaned him up passing him over to Matt to redress whilst I cleaned up the mess in the bath and on me and took the shit covered clothes downstairs to be washed .

Actually, no, it is just me getting a Sunday off! I spent a lovely time with Robin, Tony, David, Greg, Tom and Gary at the Navigator in Cosgrove. It was really good to be with guys of such a vast age range from 18 – 65 with me somewhere near the middle of them all. There was quite some discussion over my flagging sex drive but no conclusions as such. I think Tom may like to experiment to see if he can find it but that isn’t really what I or he needs right now! Tom is trying real hard to be good for Gary. It got me to thinking though, is it a failing sex drive or a distrust of men? This all really started around last May in GC when I was with Nick and Martyn. I came to realise that I enjoyed sex with Martyn but not Nick and that was causing some conflict. I was seriously starting to think how workable a relationship with Martyn may be. Not very as a conclusion to that change of thoughts but even so, I thought them. Then, Nick passed on this STD to me and he handled it really bad. He sha

Actually, no, it is just me getting a Sunday off! I spent a lovely time with Robin, Tony, David, Greg, Tom and Gary at the Navigator in Cosgrove. It was really good to be with guys of such a vast age range from 18 – 65 with me somewhere near the middle of them all. There was quite some discussion over my flagging sex drive but no conclusions as such. I think Tom may like to experiment to see if he can find it but that isn’t really what I or he needs right now! Tom is trying real hard to be good for Gary. It got me to thinking though, is it a failing sex drive or a distrust of men? This all really started around last May in GC when I was with Nick and Martyn. I came to realise that I enjoyed sex with Martyn but not Nick and that was causing some conflict. I was seriously starting to think how workable a relationship with Martyn may be. Not very as a conclusion to that change of thoughts but even so, I thought them. Then, Nick passed on this STD to me and he handled it really bad. He sha

OK, just one, my ex wife! She doesn't like spending money on the kids she had with me, she prefers her new family. She doesn't much like spending time with them either. In fact, truth be known, she would rather just pretend that her life began a couple of years ago and everything before that was some kind of weird soap! Her husband apparently threatened me in front of my 12 year old daughter today not to ever ask them to spend money on the kids again. On a legal note, we have 50-50 care of them, she should spend the same as me and see them as often, yeah, right!

OK, just one, my ex wife! She doesn't like spending money on the kids she had with me, she prefers her new family. She doesn't much like spending time with them either. In fact, truth be known, she would rather just pretend that her life began a couple of years ago and everything before that was some kind of weird soap! Her husband apparently threatened me in front of my 12 year old daughter today not to ever ask them to spend money on the kids again. On a legal note, we have 50-50 care of them, she should spend the same as me and see them as often, yeah, right!

After a pointless meeting at Jermaine’s school to discuss speech therapy for a kid that doesn’t speak, Matt and I returned to Northampton to watch Star Wars III. It may have been a good film if I had zero memory but I haven’t and I really just cannot do the prequel concept, I just cannot escape into a movie when I already know the outcome. On leaving the cinema I got voicemail from Jermaine’s school. Apparently he has body lice, I assume that’d be crabs. Clearly I would find this alarming as I know none of us here would have them so where the hell would he have got them from? Matt and I spent an entire very unpleasant evening cleaning Jermaine up and after all that, we didn’t find any evidence of anything except head lice so, we went through hell and so did Jermaine for what appears to be nothing,. Tomorrow Matt and I shall cover him in Derbac just to be certain and I hope he will be back at school on Monday. This did mean that I lost the chance to go out to London to unwind, the first

After a pointless meeting at Jermaine’s school to discuss speech therapy for a kid that doesn’t speak, Matt and I returned to Northampton to watch Star Wars III. It may have been a good film if I had zero memory but I haven’t and I really just cannot do the prequel concept, I just cannot escape into a movie when I already know the outcome. On leaving the cinema I got voicemail from Jermaine’s school. Apparently he has body lice, I assume that’d be crabs. Clearly I would find this alarming as I know none of us here would have them so where the hell would he have got them from? Matt and I spent an entire very unpleasant evening cleaning Jermaine up and after all that, we didn’t find any evidence of anything except head lice so, we went through hell and so did Jermaine for what appears to be nothing,. Tomorrow Matt and I shall cover him in Derbac just to be certain and I hope he will be back at school on Monday. This did mean that I lost the chance to go out to London to unwind, the first

Yesterday, myself and a mate decided to go for a walk, not a simple stroll to the pub but nearly 16 miles along the canal from Northampton to Castlethorpe near MK. Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time but somehow, now doesn't seem to clever. It was a lovely evening. It is such a shame that my sex drive is dead else I may have liked to have thought that the offer from Tom to 'help out' was geuine and that it was worth taking him up on the offer!

Yesterday, myself and a mate decided to go for a walk, not a simple stroll to the pub but nearly 16 miles along the canal from Northampton to Castlethorpe near MK. Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time but somehow, now doesn't seem to clever. It was a lovely evening. It is such a shame that my sex drive is dead else I may have liked to have thought that the offer from Tom to 'help out' was geuine and that it was worth taking him up on the offer!

This morning was just hell. It was Daisy’s turn to sort Jermaine out with medication but he wasn’t having any of it. He tried to punch her in the face but fortunately missed. I took over, tried and failed to give him his insulin which he must have before meals. He started swearing at me. He then left the kitchen and stood in the hallway. I headed off toward the stairs a short while later, I think I was aiming to find his shoes which may have been upstairs, I forget now. Anyway, I turned my back on Jermaine just for a second and he went for me. He dug his nails in good and proper and punched me in the face; my glasses went flying as they often do. There was quite a bit of blood and I am still sore and shaky several hours later but this is not unusual. Both Matt and myself got totally angry with him and both of us retaliated which did seem to calm him down. Within 20 minutes he was quite happy to get on his school bus. I don’t know which is worse, the fact that he is violent or that he d

This morning was just hell. It was Daisy’s turn to sort Jermaine out with medication but he wasn’t having any of it. He tried to punch her in the face but fortunately missed. I took over, tried and failed to give him his insulin which he must have before meals. He started swearing at me. He then left the kitchen and stood in the hallway. I headed off toward the stairs a short while later, I think I was aiming to find his shoes which may have been upstairs, I forget now. Anyway, I turned my back on Jermaine just for a second and he went for me. He dug his nails in good and proper and punched me in the face; my glasses went flying as they often do. There was quite a bit of blood and I am still sore and shaky several hours later but this is not unusual. Both Matt and myself got totally angry with him and both of us retaliated which did seem to calm him down. Within 20 minutes he was quite happy to get on his school bus. I don’t know which is worse, the fact that he is violent or that he d

What an awful weekend Jermaine created and he has carried it on into the week as well. When he is not acting like a Zombie (for acting I think it is) he is refusing to eat which buggers up his diabetes management. When he is not doing that he is thumping, it really is most unpleasant. All kids are winding each other up and or being dead lazy. I have had words with them this evening trying to explain with the huge extended period of having Jermaine here so often we are all uptight and we have two choices, either let the tension get to us and fight each other or to close ranks and stand up for our family. I doubt this will do any good, they really only hear what they want to and ignore the rest. I am quite sure I shall again have to wake Zoey up tomorrow, Matt won’t chase up getting a job so he can repay me what he owes and DJ will carry on the now favourite family pastime of point scoring.

What an awful weekend Jermaine created and he has carried it on into the week as well. When he is not acting like a Zombie (for acting I think it is) he is refusing to eat which buggers up his diabetes management. When he is not doing that he is thumping, it really is most unpleasant. All kids are winding each other up and or being dead lazy. I have had words with them this evening trying to explain with the huge extended period of having Jermaine here so often we are all uptight and we have two choices, either let the tension get to us and fight each other or to close ranks and stand up for our family. I doubt this will do any good, they really only hear what they want to and ignore the rest. I am quite sure I shall again have to wake Zoey up tomorrow, Matt won’t chase up getting a job so he can repay me what he owes and DJ will carry on the now favourite family pastime of point scoring.

In the morning, waking to the new day, the sun, the cool breeze, the birds, is that it? Music that makes our spirit soar, the book that makes our eyes swell with tears, is that it? Comforting a child when they are in pain, wishing for that pain to be mine, is that it? That rush of feeling when our hand is touched, our cheek softly stroked, is that it? You look nice, have you done your hair different? Is that it? Happy birthday, I just thought I’d call, didn’t want to miss the day, is that it? Dad, I drew this picture for you, it’s not very good, I hope you like it, is that it? Why did he leave me, 30 years together, why now? You don’t need to see your mum crying, sorry. Is that it? It’s not right, our children shouldn’t go first, it’s not right. Is that it? Yes, yes it all is, love is all around us in the happy and the sad, is that it? Yes, that’s love. (c) Steve Williams 2005

In the morning, waking to the new day, the sun, the cool breeze, the birds, is that it? Music that makes our spirit soar, the book that makes our eyes swell with tears, is that it? Comforting a child when they are in pain, wishing for that pain to be mine, is that it? That rush of feeling when our hand is touched, our cheek softly stroked, is that it? You look nice, have you done your hair different? Is that it? Happy birthday, I just thought I’d call, didn’t want to miss the day, is that it? Dad, I drew this picture for you, it’s not very good, I hope you like it, is that it? Why did he leave me, 30 years together, why now? You don’t need to see your mum crying, sorry. Is that it? It’s not right, our children shouldn’t go first, it’s not right. Is that it? Yes, yes it all is, love is all around us in the happy and the sad, is that it? Yes, that’s love. (c) Steve Williams 2005

On going through the all new outeverywhere (total crap and should be deleted) I decided to look at my linked friends and was amazed to see that one of my longest standing linked friends has made no comment about me at all in his 'Me on him' section. I am, in fact, one of the very few to which this is the case yet I thought we were rather close. To the world it would look like I am just someone he happens to know and I found that quite upsetting. I know it is just a silly internet site but all the same, it a public face to this person and who he considers to be a friend and why and I, as it appears, am not one of them. It's one of those, I feel used moments. :-( Went with Robin to see a play last night in Eydon and it was really rather good, not perfect but then, it was the opening night. I laughed and that has to be the point, perfection is for another place, another time. I have spent this morning catching up on some paperwork and am feeling terribly guilty for wasting aro

On going through the all new outeverywhere (total crap and should be deleted) I decided to look at my linked friends and was amazed to see that one of my longest standing linked friends has made no comment about me at all in his 'Me on him' section. I am, in fact, one of the very few to which this is the case yet I thought we were rather close. To the world it would look like I am just someone he happens to know and I found that quite upsetting. I know it is just a silly internet site but all the same, it a public face to this person and who he considers to be a friend and why and I, as it appears, am not one of them. It's one of those, I feel used moments. :-( Went with Robin to see a play last night in Eydon and it was really rather good, not perfect but then, it was the opening night. I laughed and that has to be the point, perfection is for another place, another time. I have spent this morning catching up on some paperwork and am feeling terribly guilty for wasting aro

I wrote this big long load of bollox Sunday night that I was going to post and then my PC hung and I couldn’t be arsed to write any more so you will just have to guess what I did. Yesterday I had a meeting with Social Services; you may refer to them as the SS cos I probably will from now on. It seems really clear to me that their objective is to get me to agree that Jermaine should go full time residential but, I don’t see as that is the best thing for him to be doing. They only want that option as they have been unable to provide what would be best care for him by keeping him at home. With the correct level of support there is no reason why he could not stay here a while longer. They also tried to do the dirty in insisting that Jermaine does a series of overnight stays at Eleanor Lodge which would have to be paid for by us and would be lost from our respite entitlement. I put me foot down and refused to allow that to happen. I agreed, I could see why it would be useful for the respite

I wrote this big long load of bollox Sunday night that I was going to post and then my PC hung and I couldn’t be arsed to write any more so you will just have to guess what I did. Yesterday I had a meeting with Social Services; you may refer to them as the SS cos I probably will from now on. It seems really clear to me that their objective is to get me to agree that Jermaine should go full time residential but, I don’t see as that is the best thing for him to be doing. They only want that option as they have been unable to provide what would be best care for him by keeping him at home. With the correct level of support there is no reason why he could not stay here a while longer. They also tried to do the dirty in insisting that Jermaine does a series of overnight stays at Eleanor Lodge which would have to be paid for by us and would be lost from our respite entitlement. I put me foot down and refused to allow that to happen. I agreed, I could see why it would be useful for the respite

What a weekend I have had, non stop sex from a stream of guys, all drop dead gorgeous and they couldn’t get enough of me! Now, wouldn’t it make a change if I typed something like that and there was even an element of truth in it? I spoke to Tony about this the other day, I just don’t really have a lot of sex drive now, to word it with more accuracy, I don’t have a lot of sexual confidence. After a string of awful encounters with guys that just want to ‘cum and go’ I have all but lost interest. Popped over to see Robin yesterday and David was there also. Spent quite some time trying to repair a Dell Laptop but the thing was just plain beyond repair and there has to be a point where I give up as much as I hate to. The more I meet David the more I get to like him, well, he is a very likeable man. In the late afternoon, early evening I went into Tony’s, he had promised to reinvigorate my sex drive, not something I had much hope for. Of course, where I got there, Tom and Gary were in the lo

What a weekend I have had, non stop sex from a stream of guys, all drop dead gorgeous and they couldn’t get enough of me! Now, wouldn’t it make a change if I typed something like that and there was even an element of truth in it? I spoke to Tony about this the other day, I just don’t really have a lot of sex drive now, to word it with more accuracy, I don’t have a lot of sexual confidence. After a string of awful encounters with guys that just want to ‘cum and go’ I have all but lost interest. Popped over to see Robin yesterday and David was there also. Spent quite some time trying to repair a Dell Laptop but the thing was just plain beyond repair and there has to be a point where I give up as much as I hate to. The more I meet David the more I get to like him, well, he is a very likeable man. In the late afternoon, early evening I went into Tony’s, he had promised to reinvigorate my sex drive, not something I had much hope for. Of course, where I got there, Tom and Gary were in the lo

I was hoping to get off and do something different this weekend rather than just more of the same. Not that I am complaining about 'the same' at all but it is nice for my mind to add new experiences, new interactions. Well, that isn't going to happen so I shall go see my little chubby friend in MK and possibly Tony later if I get the time. The past day or so has been quiet which is unusual and most welcome. It amazes me how much things can change from one end of the week to another. It's possible I may soon be starting work but I have not arranged anything firm yet and I want to get a few things in place for myself to give me the widest option base possible. Most of these volunteer posts are only a few hours a week so it is quite possible to get them working alongside each other. Nick got a little pissed off with me the other day. I mistook my rationalising as me telling him what to do. He has suddenly gained £50 a week from me being the money he should really have paid

I was hoping to get off and do something different this weekend rather than just more of the same. Not that I am complaining about 'the same' at all but it is nice for my mind to add new experiences, new interactions. Well, that isn't going to happen so I shall go see my little chubby friend in MK and possibly Tony later if I get the time. The past day or so has been quiet which is unusual and most welcome. It amazes me how much things can change from one end of the week to another. It's possible I may soon be starting work but I have not arranged anything firm yet and I want to get a few things in place for myself to give me the widest option base possible. Most of these volunteer posts are only a few hours a week so it is quite possible to get them working alongside each other. Nick got a little pissed off with me the other day. I mistook my rationalising as me telling him what to do. He has suddenly gained £50 a week from me being the money he should really have paid

I predict Labour has a majority reduced to around 72 by the end of counting this night, like I have any idea at all! This time and for the first time ever, I have voted Liberal Democrat. Not because of Iraq or anything like that but simpy because I feel our Labour MP, Sally Keeble is too smug and doesn't really do anything effective for her constutuants, she is more of a career MP than a local MP and seems to be far more concerned with how high she can get in Westminster than how low the rest of us back here in Northampton are going. This is not a protest vote, I realy believe Andrew Simpson can achieve great things if he doesn't get corrupted by power, I hope not. Earlier on today I bottled out of making a statement about an assault I witnessed on Sunday. Bottom line is, those that committed it would quite happily make our lives hell and I am not having a good enough year to be going through all that sort of shit again. Earlier on I had a meeting at Eleanor Lodge to discuss Je

I predict Labour has a majority reduced to around 72 by the end of counting this night, like I have any idea at all! This time and for the first time ever, I have voted Liberal Democrat. Not because of Iraq or anything like that but simpy because I feel our Labour MP, Sally Keeble is too smug and doesn't really do anything effective for her constutuants, she is more of a career MP than a local MP and seems to be far more concerned with how high she can get in Westminster than how low the rest of us back here in Northampton are going. This is not a protest vote, I realy believe Andrew Simpson can achieve great things if he doesn't get corrupted by power, I hope not. Earlier on today I bottled out of making a statement about an assault I witnessed on Sunday. Bottom line is, those that committed it would quite happily make our lives hell and I am not having a good enough year to be going through all that sort of shit again. Earlier on I had a meeting at Eleanor Lodge to discuss Je

Today has been better though, I suspect that is a relative statement in comparison to yesterday. Were someone suddenly hit with today they may well have been down the funny farm. I got up at 07:20 quite certain that everyone else would be up, they weren’t. So, deciding I really didn’t care if they were late or not I went downstairs and had breakfast. Jermaine came down just after I started eating and seemed OK so I told him that as soon as I finished my breakfast I would do him some and a cup of tea. I thought he had accepted that just fine as he seemed happy enough to go to his room and play for a while. A few moments later I did his breakfast and called him down. He walked in saying ‘no’ so I suggested that he may want to have his breakfast now and I would just do a cup of tea. He decided it would be better to try and punch me. When he missed he grabbed his breakfast bowl and that landed on the floor smashing with milk and cereal everywhere. He said sorry but I know that means totall

Today has been better though, I suspect that is a relative statement in comparison to yesterday. Were someone suddenly hit with today they may well have been down the funny farm. I got up at 07:20 quite certain that everyone else would be up, they weren’t. So, deciding I really didn’t care if they were late or not I went downstairs and had breakfast. Jermaine came down just after I started eating and seemed OK so I told him that as soon as I finished my breakfast I would do him some and a cup of tea. I thought he had accepted that just fine as he seemed happy enough to go to his room and play for a while. A few moments later I did his breakfast and called him down. He walked in saying ‘no’ so I suggested that he may want to have his breakfast now and I would just do a cup of tea. He decided it would be better to try and punch me. When he missed he grabbed his breakfast bowl and that landed on the floor smashing with milk and cereal everywhere. He said sorry but I know that means totall

Life just gets better and better doesn’t it? After my feelings of earlier, I couldn’t face the kids and went for a drive. I came back and nothing had changed. I mean, I went out without saying anything to anyone and yet, I come back an hour later and nothing has changed, all was as I left it. They eventually went to bed except for Matt and he popped his head round a little while ago to say he didn’t feel 100%, can I work out what it is for him! I know kids are kids and all that but I am sure I knew when my mum was depressed or upset, I just knew, my lot don’t appear to give a fuck. I thought I would check email before I went to bed. I just watched a movie which was OK and made me think about other stuff so I was ready to sleep. On checking email there was only one there, from Nick. We had agreed before he left that he should continue to pay off the loan we got together in 2003 when we moved here. A lot of that was for the car (which he got two years use out of, some of it, quite a chun

Life just gets better and better doesn’t it? After my feelings of earlier, I couldn’t face the kids and went for a drive. I came back and nothing had changed. I mean, I went out without saying anything to anyone and yet, I come back an hour later and nothing has changed, all was as I left it. They eventually went to bed except for Matt and he popped his head round a little while ago to say he didn’t feel 100%, can I work out what it is for him! I know kids are kids and all that but I am sure I knew when my mum was depressed or upset, I just knew, my lot don’t appear to give a fuck. I thought I would check email before I went to bed. I just watched a movie which was OK and made me think about other stuff so I was ready to sleep. On checking email there was only one there, from Nick. We had agreed before he left that he should continue to pay off the loan we got together in 2003 when we moved here. A lot of that was for the car (which he got two years use out of, some of it, quite a chun

Today is a very emotional one for me. I have no idea why that would be the case but apparently it is. For a day that had nothing pre-arranged this one has turned out quite busy. First, I agreed to take Matt for breakfast though I wasn't really hungry. He was being quite argumentative in the morning about some thing or other, I don't recall what exactly but some matter of politics where he was going to argue the toss whilst knowing little or nothing about it. But, even so, I was quite upbeat as Jermaine had gone to school on time ... no, scrub that, i was upbeat until I yet again had to tell Zoey to get her arse out of her room, downstairs, do her chores and get to school, that is when this day started to go downward. I spent way too much money on a new doorbell, true, we needed one but not one that cost nearly £50! This too has not helped. I went to see a garage that can fit parking sensors to my car, all well and good but they needed me to supply paint to match the circles up

Today is a very emotional one for me. I have no idea why that would be the case but apparently it is. For a day that had nothing pre-arranged this one has turned out quite busy. First, I agreed to take Matt for breakfast though I wasn't really hungry. He was being quite argumentative in the morning about some thing or other, I don't recall what exactly but some matter of politics where he was going to argue the toss whilst knowing little or nothing about it. But, even so, I was quite upbeat as Jermaine had gone to school on time ... no, scrub that, i was upbeat until I yet again had to tell Zoey to get her arse out of her room, downstairs, do her chores and get to school, that is when this day started to go downward. I spent way too much money on a new doorbell, true, we needed one but not one that cost nearly £50! This too has not helped. I went to see a garage that can fit parking sensors to my car, all well and good but they needed me to supply paint to match the circles up

If I am very lucky, I shall have at least three of the kids back to school in the morning. I say if I am lucky because I never really know, especially with Jermaine. Even if he goes to school it is a matter of whether he does so without hitting anyone or damaging anything. It is just so stressful in the mornings here. Today ahs been OK, I have done as little as possible as planned. Matt cooked dinner and I got Zoey to do loads too to show my displeasure at her of last night. I shall never know what that was all about for sure but strongly suspect it has something to do with the program in tele (House) that she had been watching which seems to have a good seizure every episode. She is so suggestible I suspect her mind had just fixated on it and she was gone with the fairies. Jermaine has managed not to hit anyone or throw anything today though there were some shouts at bedtime so I just shut his door and waited for him to pass out naturally then got him into bed. Dj wouldn't go to b

If I am very lucky, I shall have at least three of the kids back to school in the morning. I say if I am lucky because I never really know, especially with Jermaine. Even if he goes to school it is a matter of whether he does so without hitting anyone or damaging anything. It is just so stressful in the mornings here. Today ahs been OK, I have done as little as possible as planned. Matt cooked dinner and I got Zoey to do loads too to show my displeasure at her of last night. I shall never know what that was all about for sure but strongly suspect it has something to do with the program in tele (House) that she had been watching which seems to have a good seizure every episode. She is so suggestible I suspect her mind had just fixated on it and she was gone with the fairies. Jermaine has managed not to hit anyone or throw anything today though there were some shouts at bedtime so I just shut his door and waited for him to pass out naturally then got him into bed. Dj wouldn't go to b

I was up late this evening trying to catch up on a few things when, at around 12:50 Zoey walked past the office into the darkened kitchen. I followed her but she didn't seem to see me there. After a while she acknowledged me but then started shaking inher limbs and gestered that she couldn't talk. I called Matt down for a second opinion and we did all sorts of tests and they all showed that she was physically OK but putting on an act. The 'act' part we deduced because she seemed to have quite good control over the shaking with the right incentive. Still, she kept this up for over 30 minutes so we figured calling the GP made sense, to be certain. The GP told me to get her to casualty ... actually, call an ambulance was the what was said. I don't call ambulances unless there is little or no choice and Zoey did not appear to be getting worse so I decided that driving her there myself made more sense. This I did and am pleased to say we were in and out within 30 minutes

I was up late this evening trying to catch up on a few things when, at around 12:50 Zoey walked past the office into the darkened kitchen. I followed her but she didn't seem to see me there. After a while she acknowledged me but then started shaking inher limbs and gestered that she couldn't talk. I called Matt down for a second opinion and we did all sorts of tests and they all showed that she was physically OK but putting on an act. The 'act' part we deduced because she seemed to have quite good control over the shaking with the right incentive. Still, she kept this up for over 30 minutes so we figured calling the GP made sense, to be certain. The GP told me to get her to casualty ... actually, call an ambulance was the what was said. I don't call ambulances unless there is little or no choice and Zoey did not appear to be getting worse so I decided that driving her there myself made more sense. This I did and am pleased to say we were in and out within 30 minutes

I was just thinking this morning whilst doing the kids chores because they are off out doing other things ... what is love? I know that I love my kids, even the eldest who, at times, I really detest, I still love him. I couldn't just watch whilst someone did harm to him, I don't think I could anyway. I loved my mum, when she died in 1986 I was heartbroken, I cried uncontrollably for such a long time and for months afterwards I would burst into tears at the drop of a hat. For a while, I did think I loved my wife but that just went. I shall always feel related to her but not love. I have had three boyfriends/partners in my life, did I love them? Not sure, you see, love is such a strange thing to work out and I am not sure I am qualified. My first, Neil, I was certainly infatuated with him. He was young, cute, tall and was good in bed. I think, if I had thought he loved me, I could have loved him but I am not sure I really allowed myself to. Simon was sort of my second if I forget

I was just thinking this morning whilst doing the kids chores because they are off out doing other things ... what is love? I know that I love my kids, even the eldest who, at times, I really detest, I still love him. I couldn't just watch whilst someone did harm to him, I don't think I could anyway. I loved my mum, when she died in 1986 I was heartbroken, I cried uncontrollably for such a long time and for months afterwards I would burst into tears at the drop of a hat. For a while, I did think I loved my wife but that just went. I shall always feel related to her but not love. I have had three boyfriends/partners in my life, did I love them? Not sure, you see, love is such a strange thing to work out and I am not sure I am qualified. My first, Neil, I was certainly infatuated with him. He was young, cute, tall and was good in bed. I think, if I had thought he loved me, I could have loved him but I am not sure I really allowed myself to. Simon was sort of my second if I forget