Happy Christmas Dear Reader

.. and what a bunch of readers you are too.

I hardly ate anything Christmas Eve, just not very hungry and now I am having trouble sleeping. It would be really good to say that this is because I can't wait to see what Santa has brought me but, well, he's giving me a miss this year.

No, my inability to sleep is two fold. A tummy that is not feeling very clever, loads of smelly farts (strange how we have to do a little smile even just reading the word 'fart') The other reason is sudden depression brought upon by the issue with Matt and the word 'gay' earlier. It may have been brought on by that but that was the last straw I think. So much uncertainty in my life right now is screwing me up. I am also very aware that this is the first Christmas when I am alone, not part of a pair and that is difficult. I am used to having someone, a crutch, someone that is there for me 24/7 if need be and is trying as hard as I am to achieve a happy relationship. Oh well, like I said, Santa isn't coming this year ... of course, that may just be the farting!

Budget Day

So, we have the ‘Let’s buy a whole host of gullible voters day’ with George Osborne. No doubt we’ll be told how employment is rising, how the deficit is falling, how we’re all so much better off now than we were (compared to what?). We’ll be told that there are still tough times ahead but that only a Conservative government can steer us through them. It will be pointed out how inflation remains low, how not raising duty on fuel has helped everyone as is seen by the current lower prices at the pumps (it’s going up again George). In short, I should listen to this budget later and decide to vote Conservative in May but, I won’t. Labour certainly did nothing to avoid the mess the country got in but they didn’t cause it. They made the mistake of trying to be too conservative, allowing high finance the freedom to cause a catastrophic cock up for which they took zero responsibility. They made the mistake of allowing Gordon Brown to take the job of Prime Minister, one for which he is totally...

Not a good day

Today is a very emotional one for me. I have no idea why that would be the case but apparently it is. For a day that had nothing pre-arranged this one has turned out quite busy. First, I agreed to take Matt for breakfast though I wasn't really hungry. He was being quite argumentative in the morning about some thing or other, I don't recall what exactly but some matter of politics where he was going to argue the toss whilst knowing little or nothing about it. But, even so, I was quite upbeat as Jermaine had gone to school on time ... no, scrub that, i was upbeat until I yet again had to tell Zoey to get her arse out of her room, downstairs, do her chores and get to school, that is when this day started to go downward. I spent way too much money on a new doorbell, true, we needed one but not one that cost nearly £50! This too has not helped. I went to see a garage that can fit parking sensors to my car, all well and good but they needed me to supply paint to match the circles up ...

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

I am currently working through modules on Self Esteem. I can honestly say, it’s tough reading! So much does relate to me it hurts to read it. Already I am wishing for answers that I need. It’s like, I know and understand what I am reading and acknowledge it as a fair representation of my current state but, where is the hug? The reassurance that it’s all going to be OK? The issue, for me, of doing this sort of thing is that it highlights possibly the greatest issue I have, I am alone. Someone special to hug up to, to talk to when I need it, well, I don’t have anyone. Perhaps that is a good thing because, right now, I’d probably question all their motives, what is their ‘real’ agenda? Even knowing where those feelings come from, where they started and so on is not yet helping me to overcome them. I’ve become somewhat insecure and full of self doubt, all negative stuff. Frustratingly, I can damn well see it too, it’s like there are two of me, am sure someone would say that’s because I a...

Steve from England

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