Skip to main content

... and sometimes ...

We need shit but end up with weeds anyway.

It could be fair to say I am going through a rough patch right now, one which has been getting worse and worse for a few months culminating in me thinking very seriously about going to sleep and not waking up and I mean 'really' thinking about that as an option in a logical and calculated way. Not that my conclusion was entirely against the idea, there were some considerable merits to the possibility. My rejection decision is because I feel I owe me one chance to get it right but, if I am honest, I feel I only have enough energy left for one more crack at it. My brain will not be able to handle another major issue in my life.

The C5 is once again advertised at a price I feel it should get. If it doesn't then I am screwed. There is no point holding on to the idea of keeping the Sebring and I will just have to sell that as soon as it's repaired. If that's what I have to do I shall also sell the C5 at the same time for what ever I can get for it just because by then my spirit will be shattered and I just want nothing to do with cars in any shape or form, just so not worth it. Further to that I am seriously considering no matter how popular, just looking for an exchange and moving back down south again, somewhere like Brighton. I have lived in Northampton for 12 years nearly and my memories of the town are not brilliant. I am actually still scared of what others will do to me here. Too often in this town I have been a victim. I know I have just had really bad luck but I don't think it's ended yet, I feel I can still be a victim just for being gay in this town and I hate that. I hate that I could finally sort out this mess with the car and then get the Sebring smashed up outside just because someone is jealous of the poof having not only a nice house but a nice car to match. I just so don't need that. I know the police are crap so I feel totally unprotected from the harm the bastards could do me.

Hopefully, if I do sell the C5, if Matt starts behaving himself and repaying me, if the holiday is OK, if I start being able to relax more and Jermaine is living in Corby so I don't feel permanently guilty, maybe then I'd reconsider but as it is I just want to run away and try again somewhere where I am not known.

Failing that, a fucking lottery win would go down very nicely thank you very much!

I just so want 'NEED' something to go right for me, I need the sun to shine and I need no more bloody shit cos the roses are not growing.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

You Bloody Idiot

I had a really enjoyable time in Meltham with Stan and Pete, even that walk against the wind up the pub on Saturday evening in a blizzard was fun. On the way there I thought it’d be fun to take some pictures of the car in the snow. I had not realised just how windy it was, I seriously thought my door was stuck when I tried to open it but it was just being pressurised by the forces outside. I am lucky really the wind had not been behind me else the door would have been ripped off. On the way back on Sunday I paid a visit to Sue in Sheffield. I like Sue and she is a great conversationalist. The journey was not without incident as the satnav kept failing and crashing and just became useless. I eventually tracked the problem down to the loudspeaker connection for the mount and once I’d removed that it was stable and guided me well to Sue’s door. I am really happy to report that the steroid injection I had last week as helped ease my pain. I still have the pain but it is not restricting me ...
Read more

2 Weeks in

Amazing as it seems I am two weeks through my visit here. Some might be getting a little confused about why I am here. There is only one important reason and that is to be with Dennis. This isn’t a vacation to me, it’s just about having to travel to the Philippines because it is where Dennis happens to be. I’m still in very regular contact with home dealing with daily issues, the council, social services and so on. I am geographically away from it but technically still connected. Obviously it’s cool to wander into Manila and see the place, travel in a Jeepney and so on. Wandering around the malls is fun but it is who I am with rather than where I am that matters most to me. Highlights for me, apart from every second I spend with Dennis have to be meeting family and friends.         Veronica and her family and Imee of course who has kept me entertained for hours with conversation about anything and everything     Ireneo too tries real hard wit...
Post a Comment
Read more

Not a good day

Today is a very emotional one for me. I have no idea why that would be the case but apparently it is. For a day that had nothing pre-arranged this one has turned out quite busy. First, I agreed to take Matt for breakfast though I wasn't really hungry. He was being quite argumentative in the morning about some thing or other, I don't recall what exactly but some matter of politics where he was going to argue the toss whilst knowing little or nothing about it. But, even so, I was quite upbeat as Jermaine had gone to school on time ... no, scrub that, i was upbeat until I yet again had to tell Zoey to get her arse out of her room, downstairs, do her chores and get to school, that is when this day started to go downward. I spent way too much money on a new doorbell, true, we needed one but not one that cost nearly £50! This too has not helped. I went to see a garage that can fit parking sensors to my car, all well and good but they needed me to supply paint to match the circles up ...
Read more