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Changes

Are in the air, maybe?

 

I don’t know. I want to believe everything will now be OK. I have been pushing for what we currently have right now for so long even I was starting to doubt it myself. But, after so long, it seems somewhat unreal. A little like someone calling to say we are a lottery winner yet, not so far having received a cheque. I want to start reaping the rewards but, until things are firmly in the bank I remain anxious. I know I don’t have the energy to go through it all again so this time really has to be ‘the’ time.

 

Eastenders … wow, Frank’s dead! Pauline has not been in it for weeks and I reckon her Arthur is up to no good.

 

I am starting to accept now it is very unlikely we are going to go to Gran Canaria this summer. Thanks to a certain person the chances are slim of my receiving the money I am owed before I have to make a decision one way or another. It’s really annoying but, one of those things which remains out of my control and one I refuse to get myself any more worked up over. I am determined to crack the latest lump of poo stressy stuff so, saying no to certain things and people is essential to that. All I need to get sorted now is actually going to bed at a sensible time … memo to self, 5am is not a sensible time.

 

I just checked, today is Friday, this means tomorrow is Saturday and the day after that, all things being equal, shall be Sunday. Because of half term, because of who has been around me, I have had zero concept of actual days at all this week. Someone called earlier and I asked “what are you doing working on a Saturday?” Yes, I am making myself seem somewhat prattish!

 

Oh, back to sensible bed times … it is also unreasonable (note to self) to start cutting hair at 4am regardless of how good the results look! Steve (that’s me in case anyone is feeling as dizzy as me right now) Steve, get some sleep!

 

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Well, all who have seen it … up until midday today at least, liked it.

 

I watched Holby earlier on iPlayer. Forgot how much I like Casualty and Holby .. may not remember to watch it again for months though.

 

Spent a couple of days this week repairing a very sick computer. I have never worked on one so riddled with malware. It took 4 separate programs to finally remove it. It’s a good job the owner asked me to do it as a favour rather than take it to PC World, their fee would have been more than the PC was worth!

 

I think, for now, I am going to relax with regard to web creation. I have updated several sites now and I believe I deserve a break.

 

Speaking of breaks, I also keep thinking I am going away somewhere for a break yet, as far as my memory is telling me right now, I have nothing booked. Maybe part of my brain is telling me I should?

 

A bath then bed I think …

 

Oh, I was asked earlier, how’s it being a granddad? I answered that it is like being a dad without the added pressure. Then I was asked, if it is like being a dad, how come you can cope with them not being around all the time? My reply was that, as a parent, I have already had to get used to half of my kids not being around most of the time and it doesn’t get any easier.

 

Every day I miss them but, the reality is, at some point we’ll have to part, life doesn’t go on forever so my being around all the time now isn’t healthy for them long term. They need to manage without me and that thought upsets me about as much as I suppose it does them but it is rather unavoidable. The difficult thing, the really nearly impossible thing, is not to smother the kids. If they are ill it upsets me as much now as it did when they were crying in pain as babies. I still, with everything I know, feel useless much of the time and just want them better. I think I have been very lucky in so many ways. I bond terribly easily and, quite possibly, when I have, that bond doesn’t break. Once I have accepted someone into my heart, they are always there and never more so than with my own children and grandchildren.

 

One thing is for sure and very difficult for me and, probably most other parents, sharing. As they get older we have to share our kids with others. It’s great in that we have extra people in our lives but, at the same time, it feels like a little of that love and bond is lost as well, there are other people to turn to. With grandchildren that generally happens from the moment they are born. We are always a step away from being their world, we have to accept that sharing them is a vital part of their lives. I don’t know, other grandparents out there must know what I mean? I know it wouldn’t have made sense to me before Josh was born! Right now though, it makes perfect sense.

 

Bath time, bed time and that, Stevie boy, is an order!

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