Steve from England

So, last few days I've been killing myself blitzing the house of bugs, yeah, I know, it isn't happening but go with me on this one! I've been in all the dark places, I have had webs caress my face, I have seen scuttling across the floor. I've not even wanted to see what came off me in the shower. All this I did to know I am the man, I am the man in charge of his own house, the boss, the kingpin ... no unwanted visitors here. The wasps are OK, they die anyway. Did I mention the steamer? I had that baby squirting in all the dark corners blasting away at anything that moved or, anything which could potentially move, let's not discriminate here. Hey, what do you get if you cross a spider with a squirrel? A spider that'll run up your leg and eat your nuts (ouch) The wasps are still dying by the way The vacuum cleaner at one point must have been like a spider reunion in there, all shapes and sizes, they must have had an absolute blast. Probably met spiders that's ...

I thought it was simple, search for job, get job, do job, loads of money, retire, sorted! I thought people who had more than one job were crazy. I thought zero hour contracts were for the scum, the people at the bottom of the employment chain who can't get anything better. Less than 18 months in to my employment reboot after nearly 30 years as an unpaid carer, I am doing my last few days of job number 4. I potentially have two other jobs lined up, both zero hours, nothing certain I am really just sick of it all. Always, I knew, get to be over 50 and it is going to be tough but, I didn't realise just how tough. Keeping my optimism is quite difficult now. Remaining upbeat challenging know how financially we're going to be screwed! Something will turn up, now would be good. Just right for me, even better. A role where I can manage my M.E. not put too much strain on my tennis elbow, perhaps have a quality home life and get paid at least a worthwhile income every month. I am pos...

... Sometimes ... well, most times ... My brain is working on hyperdrive. I never stop thinking about all sort of things, not worrying, thinking. I could be trying to remember what we have in the freezer. How am I going to pay the bills? Is this task or that task going to get done? Do people like me? I am going to concentrate on that idiot driving in front of me, watch my speed, keep my distance, time my route, get there on time, park here or ... maybe there. When I get there I am going to, several different options, think on that. My knees really hurt, my vision is blurred again, my eye feels like sandpaper is rubbing on the inside, my hearing aid is whistling, that's really annoying and, I can't hear the music either. Memo to self, change playlist, add this, take away that. That's the first few minutes of just a single journey ... Every day I get all that going on, all the time, every waking moment of every day all at the same time as my body is telling me it's going ...

I have got myself stuck in a bit of a rut. Not entirely sure which direction to go down except that, as I clearly need an income, I got to get myself employed fully again. The weekend job had to go. This is a no blame statement but the reality is, I needed 15 hours, I rarely got close to it. That was not sustainable. I was still holding onto it though hoping it would get better. Last weekend, because of some mix up or another, I went to work early according to the rota I had to be told after a half hour my rota had been cancelled. That to me was a reality check. Time to call it a day in as dignified a way as possible. Thankfully, I was already looking elsewhere, as I said, I needed more hours, more regular, it was common sense to see what else was available. It's not a firm offer as yet but probably will be. For now, I am just working the two day week. I love that role and don't want to give it up so am trying to make any new job work around it ... I am still open to a lottery ...

I am struggling is the actual truth here. Making things right seems a little beyond me at the moment. I thought 2 jobs would be enough but now I've had to apply for another. I thought with what was being offered, getting a lodger would be easy but, it seems miles off.  Coping with constantly being tired is no joke, it really isn't. As if the M.E. wasn't bad enough, clearly lack of self worth is contributing to the tiredness. I think I just need lots of hugs from my mum :-(

Dear Mum When I had nightmares is was about losing you. I'd wake up sweating after you had fallen off a cliff or just stopped breathing reading your book (Catherine Cookson most likely). Sometimes, because of those dreams I'd just sit there watching you making sure you were still breathing. You were my world, my anchor, my rock. I was growing up, I know I wasn't being myself, I know that how I appeared to be was what Dad expected me to be, all the men in the family were real men, top of their sports. They were not like me, I was not like them. I wanted to have that conversation about how I felt different but, I had time, I knew I had time and, well, I was a long while off grown up yet and, things might change, isn't that what they say? You never really know for sure, not whilst you are young? Mum, I should have told you, I should have got to know you as an adult and not kept myself your little boy. It was my safe space, my sanctuary to come home to you, things a...

I cannot say about the condition, only how it affects me.  I am sure there are tons of variations depending on the individual who suffers from it. So, for me. Well, I didn't just suddenly get it. Even a diagnosis takes many months. I have known I got excessively tired for a couple of years or so. It's been getting worse though. Now, my first scary moment was in the gym early in 2017. I could go back and forth to the gym with weeks in between and just about pick up where I left off. I'd do half hour on the treadmill at a fair pace then move on around the weights. I set up the treadmill for half hour, usual pace and then, at 7 minutes in my energy just left me, everything wobbled and coordination went so I pressed the red stop button. I went home and went to bed totally shattered. I presumed it might be a sleeping condition so went for all sort of checks but it wasn't that. These things take months to check out. I went for countless blood checks too testing for anything w...

Yes, 55 already and I really can remember being just 5 years old ever so clearly. Mum played this trick on us, she convinced us that somehow she could see from the kitchen into the front room. I spent an age examine the wall trying to work out just how she did it. I knew my nan had an old gas pipe between her rooms we could look through but we didn't have it in our house. Mum somehow convinced me it was magic paper on the wall that only adults could see which she looked behind. Anyway, I was 5, it's a lovely memory and half a century ago. I can still feel that happiness seeing mum smiling, laughing at my gullibility. I believe my Dad retired at about my age, boy how I would like to be able to do that now. I enjoy work on the whole but, all the same, the freedom to do whatever I want is also appealing. This year I likely won't get a vacation. Dennis wants the money to go see the family back home and, it feels wrong to deny him but, even so, I could do with a good hol...

Some people believe I only post negative stuff so, this might come across as a little negative but, I want to explain something to you about me. I am always tired. Sometimes I am so tired I feel like I've not slept in a week, other times I feel like you probably do when you go to bed, that end of the day feeling when you've done your stuff and are ready for sleep. Most times I wiggle between those feelings, normal bedtime tired is a good day. So occasionally I might just not see enthusiastic about things. I want to be but I just don't have the umph for it. As with all of us when we're tired, I might feel so tired I am just grumpy, that's because actually I am sleepy even if it seems dopey to be like that. There is nothing the doc can do about it either. Don't be bashful, if you see me like that, give me a hug and make me happy but, if you are wearing a strong scent, you might make me sneazy. This is how life is for me, heigh ho. Even when I am mega tired my sens...

Gender Equality - We have some way to go I think. In my work as a professional carer I still get hints that we've got some way to go. The profession is seen as a female domain, men are somewhat rare. As such, it seems that some employers don't quite know how to full enact their equal opportunities policies. New female clients are routinely asked if they would prefer a female carer, male clients are not asked this, would they prefer a male carer. It is presumed they either would or they are assigned a female as the simplest option because perhaps there are so few male carers. Even after being assigned a male carer and saying it is OK, females are not questioned as to an alleged decision that they now require a female carer. Simply being male is good enough to reject a carer. If a male carer rejects a female carer then he will be asked what was wrong with his carer, not just accepted that he doesn't want her because she is female. Then there are gay and lesbian carers ... sho...

Every year we accept more and more cuts because we've a government which says they are needed. It's the deficit you see, we have to make these cuts, continue austerity because of the deficit. Yes, all well and good but, why suddenly now are we concerned about a deficit? We've had deficits this high many times in our history and no government worried about it because, it sorts itself out over time. Generally they happen because of large public sector spending projects, investment for the future which eventually pays back but, not this time. Now we are borrowing to get out of debt whilst dismantling the backbone of the country. Huge cuts to the NHS and Police are starting to show. Literally people are dying because of it. Gang Culture, knife crime, 8 hour plus on an A&E trolley.  People seem to think that the NHS is really OK, that claims to the contrary are just a myth, sadly not the case. They are very real. Factual reports of people dying whilst waiting to see a docto...

This week the mini is on eBay hopefully getting me a figure slightly more than the scrap price, what a mistake this was even though in so many ways it's a lovely car, the darned thing don't work! I drove it back from Luton earlier, got as far as Newport Pagnell before I admitted defeat and called out the rescue truck!   Next to go will be the one I will sorry to see go, the Chrysler Grand Voyager which is so 'me' but, it's no good for work, too expensive to run (25 mpg). It's been a good workhorse and has had some nice upgrades but, needs must. I really would have loved to have done one family trip to Disneyland in her though ... maybe I'll get another one some day!    

Still trying to, at the last minute, decide what is the best way to resolve the mini issue. I have blown £650 on a car which doesn't work. I have been offered £125 for it scrap value. It's currently in Luton (40 miles) and I am unable to drive it that far, it will likely not go more than 5 miles and driving with a damaged engine really isn't overly sensible. If I get it back to Northampton I can possibly put it on eBay and make more than £125 if I get lucky.  My plan at the moment is to drive it to the M1 and stop either ASAP or maybe at Toddington Services. I am quite convinced that if I turn it off it won't start again. There I could potentially blag the breakdown service into bringing it home on the back of a truck. It might not make it to the M1 though, even though it's only a couple of miles to where there is a hard shoulder and 4.5 miles to Toddington. If that is the case, we won't be classed as an urgent call and the mechanic might just get it going and s...

One thing or another has conspired to a bit of a mess. The main issue has been my continued faith in the goodness of others. I am proud to feel that way yet, it bites me so many times when I am wrong. This last few months have been that. Companies who have not paid me or Dennis as they perhaps should have creating a huge debt for us on top of that which we already had. In my case, it lead to me making a terrible decision designed to reduce our outgoings which actually resulted in even more debt. Because the remuneration for travel time has not been forthcoming from my work to cover the costs I decided replacing my Chrysler Voyager, which I love, with a smaller, more economical car would make more sense and, to that end, I did all the research and decided upon a mini like this one: It seemed like a good idea at the time. Alarm bells should have sounded with the price tag but I trusted the seller. He was forthcoming with the issues the car had. In his opinion there was a head gasket issu...

For some reason the country is hooked into the notion that we are negotiating a good deal for the benefit of the country by leaving the European Union. That nice Mr Davies chappie heading back and forth to Brussels to tell those nasty foreigners what's what and all that and Mrs May doing her bit preaching to the self same nasty Europeans to tell them we're not budging whilst holding the hand of Donald Trump as a ploy to get his agreement on a good trade deal and ... in a couple of years it'll all be over and the United Kingdom will be shot of all those Europeans coming here taking our jobs, our houses, our benefits and all of those wonderful things the leave campaign sold to the people. Some countries, Scotland and Northern Ireland, objected very heavily to the notion of leaving, you cannot tell an Irishman or a Scot a bad deal and expect them to go for it. But, a bunch of old English and Welsh people, and it was mainly the old, wanted to go back to the 'good old days...

              Let us just presume that, for a moment, Time Travel is a thing .... not for everyone, just for us, we have the DeLorean, it's just us doing it. You can go forward or backward, no limitations and as often as you like. The first question would be, and really think about this, would you? You know, you might want to go back time, see a famous event, catch your favourite band before they split up, watch your parents get married or possibly just drop in on yourself years into the future and see how it all turns out ... really, would you? What if you had no choice, you've got to make 3 visits to the past, you're past, you can only travel within your own lifetime. I know a lot of people instantly think about this, they go back, stop themselves doing something really bad, prevent themselves getting involved with the wrong people, perhaps warning a tragically lost loved one and prevent their death. So many things happen to us in life we wish we cou...

I want (need) to talk about whistle blowing, reporting a colleague at work and my experience of it. Trust me on this, it's not something you would ever really want to do but, alongside that, how can you not? Perhaps we and I know I presumed that if we're ever in that situation then it's going to be the colleague no one likes, we don't like. That we are doing the company and other colleagues a good turn in 'dobbing them in'. What I actually found was quite different to that. I liked the person, they were one of the most popular people in the place and yet, here I was seeing something terrible wrong and not being able to control it. I decided to sleep on it, clear my mind and consider my options. I felt that if I reported the person my employer would likely act, it could affect the colleagues career. My career there had just started. I did not consider their career deserved to be damaged. I valued them enough to know that without the complication of me they would...

So, anyway, this Monday I started training for my new job. I am really, truly sad to quit Brook House and look forward to going back for a visit soon. This job though is considerably more local and more money too. Though money is not my driving force, every little helps (thanks Tesco). I don't know as of this moment when I actually start working after this week but hopefully I'll know soon

Bug almost gone ... I say that because, it's like it really enjoys spending time with me. I feel like it has gone and then I am coughing randomly or my temperature is all over the place and then ... back to no symptoms again. Totally bonkers. It's still early days but I sense I am feeling the beneficial effects of the anti-anxiety meds and that has to be good. Not so keen on the side effects but, I guess I can't have it all. The time of work is certain to screw up the finances, not happy about that but hopefully we'll get on track better in 2018. I feel optimistic about that anyway. Me and Dennis watched the latest version of 'The Mummy' and, I really enjoyed it. Didn't enjoy quite so much the effects on the screen size when I accidentally sat on the remote requiring me to Google a solution how to get it back to watchable!

Am looking for something to get rid of this bug I've got. I'd hoped that a few days off then back to work would do the trick. But it's just got worse. It's been nearly two weeks now. I try and work through it but tasks I usually find easy .. like climbing stairs, are proving really difficult. I got clumsy too. Aches, pains, the usual symptoms of a cold coupled with ear pain. I honestly thought I'd burst an ear drum earlier but it seems OK now. Without being too crude, if it is exiting my body then it's most likely yellow :-(  Am just going to sleep until this is gone.