Skip to main content

Stress Levels … I was reminded

I thought that my ability to cope was second to none. You know, yeah, shit happens but it doesn’t phase me, I’m good me.

Earlier on, this woman visits, a nurse type, quite nice and she’s here an hour or so talking about what her and her team are going to do for Zoey and it’s all good. Then she starts going on about how we’re coping, how difficult it must be, how we really need support at this really difficult time and I’m thinking … Eh? No, I’m good thanks, I don’t need anything, I am dealing with this shit, this is water off a ducks back to me, autopilot stuff.

So, she left but then I started thinking and remembered that thinking isn’t what we do when we’re in this situation, thinking is bad. But, I allowed myself to think for just long enough to start wondering if I was coping OK and, it was a little scary when I realised that … Despite my outward appearance (I think) of dealing with this all rather well, I might actually, just possibly, be doing a hell of a lot of internal screaming.

Now, that thought didn’t last so long but, clearly long enough to unsettle me and I don’t got time to get unsettled.

Reality is, Zoey was never going to be the one I had this huge issue with. Everything seemed smooth sailing there, nothing that I couldn't easily sort out given some time. So, where did this come from?

Just when I think I’ve got things under control, I can see where this ship is heading, I go and hit this iceberg!

Don’t get me wrong, I am still 99% coping really well, there is now, thanks to this nice lady, that little questioning voice which wasn’t there before, just that tiniest of little squeaks making me question some of my decisions. Hmmm. I still think the glass is half full but I am questioning the structural integrity of the glass now!

It’s quite funny really, I am smiling as I write this. The total contrast between what is likely and what I am still convinced will be the outcome. I still cannot accept an outcome where this all goes tits up.

Thankfully, because I’ve always had this quiet faith I don’t really speak about, I am left feeling curious wondering what is going to happen I’ve not yet thought of, it’s almost exciting. I cannot believe I’ve got to this point just to lose everything.

Anyway, just thought I’d share those thoughts with you.

For the record for Friday, I am planning on being able to spend some quality time with Dennis tomorrow. Though I sometimes doubt whether I deserve Dennis or not and I wonder how on earth he can have any feelings at all for me, I don’t question how I feel about him. How he feels about me I can’t change and have no right to question, he may well wonder why the hell I love him to bits too! People are such a funny species!

Labels:

Comments

robin said…
You my dearest friend of all people should know that "even carers need CARE too". I am so grateful for everything you do for me and am forever thankful that dear Tony introduced you to me.
Of course you also deserve Dennis, despite the distance between you, you love him and I'm convinced he loves you. So my dear friend accept his love and remember what I wrote at the top of this comment.
If this woman who came to see you then take whatever help she can arrange.
As always loving you and everyone at home as my "real" family. R
1:41 pm
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

You Bloody Idiot

I had a really enjoyable time in Meltham with Stan and Pete, even that walk against the wind up the pub on Saturday evening in a blizzard was fun. On the way there I thought it’d be fun to take some pictures of the car in the snow. I had not realised just how windy it was, I seriously thought my door was stuck when I tried to open it but it was just being pressurised by the forces outside. I am lucky really the wind had not been behind me else the door would have been ripped off. On the way back on Sunday I paid a visit to Sue in Sheffield. I like Sue and she is a great conversationalist. The journey was not without incident as the satnav kept failing and crashing and just became useless. I eventually tracked the problem down to the loudspeaker connection for the mount and once I’d removed that it was stable and guided me well to Sue’s door. I am really happy to report that the steroid injection I had last week as helped ease my pain. I still have the pain but it is not restricting me ...
Read more

Budget Day

So, we have the ‘Let’s buy a whole host of gullible voters day’ with George Osborne. No doubt we’ll be told how employment is rising, how the deficit is falling, how we’re all so much better off now than we were (compared to what?). We’ll be told that there are still tough times ahead but that only a Conservative government can steer us through them. It will be pointed out how inflation remains low, how not raising duty on fuel has helped everyone as is seen by the current lower prices at the pumps (it’s going up again George). In short, I should listen to this budget later and decide to vote Conservative in May but, I won’t. Labour certainly did nothing to avoid the mess the country got in but they didn’t cause it. They made the mistake of trying to be too conservative, allowing high finance the freedom to cause a catastrophic cock up for which they took zero responsibility. They made the mistake of allowing Gordon Brown to take the job of Prime Minister, one for which he is totally...
2 comments
Read more

There are some funny people in this world!

Earlier on this year someone added me on Facebook. Quite soon she was adding many people I knew. We were starting to wonder who this was as there was so little on her profile. To be on the safe side and, suspecting it may be someone pretending to be someone else, I was careful what I wrote to them. Eventually, it did become very obvious it was someone faking a profile. I challenged them to stay if they wanted but, today they deleted the profile. I have never done anything to upset this person, I just exist. She added me and my family just to take the piss out of us and to try and get extra ammunition to use against my friends, it is all rather sad. Speaking of sad … Look, I fully understand that James has issues, what they are, I don’t have a clue but he has them and it is for Daisy and him to sort out. I think Daisy would have liked to sort it out between them but, it seems, they are going to have to take the legal route. I totally get all that. I don’t like it but – such is life....
Post a Comment
Read more