For now at least!
Since things got bad for me I noticed that Facebook seems to be the cop out friend … someone may be on there to play Farmville (or whatever) and they just happen to notice that someone who has been a good friend to them is having a bad time so they drop a quick note to say how they would be there (but). Occasionally, when they read something posted in desperation they respond but, do they pick up the phone? Do they get off their arse and visit? Of course not!
So, until I am feeling better I am ditching Facebook though, somehow I suspect few will notice, that’s the nature of the thing, if you’re not on it, you don’t exist!
If I am entirely honest, and I just as well be, I am struggling like hell! I feel like I am inside these body controlling it to behave how others expect yet my mind is elsewhere, feeling differently. I guess, if I believed such nonsense, that’d be the Gemini in me. In reality it’s more likely that I am totally screwed up and hurting with no release, nowhere near enough hugs and feeling let down by the people I’d thought would have found half an hour for a coffee.
A surprising few have been there like they genuinely care where they have nothing to gain from it and, that surprised me, it’s quite touching.
Hardly anyone reads this which is probably for the best.
In short, I am struggling and hurting so much that it’s difficult to accept help when offered. For once, I don’t have any answers.
The reality is, every relationship I have had has fucked up, it is tempting, maybe true to believe that there is only one common denominator in that and that is me which suggests that either I go for people for whom I am not going to be enough or that perhaps I just have to accept that I am naturally just unlucky in love and possibly it’s time to stop trying? I don’t know, thinking positive isn’t one of my strong points right now. I feel the more I do for others in life, the more lonely I feel. That could just be me but, as someone once said, just because someone is paranoid doesn’t mean they are not out to get them!
BTW, expect me to be saying ‘no’ a lot more often now. I don’t have a lot of money and with a severe lack of sleep don’t really have the energy right now so, sorry, I really am but to get me strong long term, I need to say no more now to anything for others. I need more offers of treats for me which don’t mean I have to keep driving or spending money please.
As my blog description says somewhere, just because I get angry or upset with people now and then doesn’t mean I don’t love them any more, life isn’t that black or white
xxx
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