Steve from England

Well, I am still here so not all is lost. Spent some time with a school friend yesterday as I mentioned in a previous mailing. It was good to see him and to see that he looks quite good as it happens. He’s been through some trauma in his life, true, much self inflicted but with a determined attitude he’s stuck by his guns and come through it the other side, good to have my mate back I think. No one seems to have bought the Sebring for me so I guess I’ll just have to rely on the lottery after all … should I win, by the way, I intend to move a very long way away indeed from certain horrible people most definitely, enough of them already. The money would also enable me to spend quality time with my true friends and family in a stress free environment, I need one of those right now. My bed has been moved into the room which was the office and now the two rooms are together … once the council have done their thing I can move things around again after decorating and this will be mainly a ...

Well, I am still here so not all is lost. Spent some time with a school friend yesterday as I mentioned in a previous mailing. It was good to see him and to see that he looks quite good as it happens. He’s been through some trauma in his life, true, much self inflicted but with a determined attitude he’s stuck by his guns and come through it the other side, good to have my mate back I think. No one seems to have bought the Sebring for me so I guess I’ll just have to rely on the lottery after all … should I win, by the way, I intend to move a very long way away indeed from certain horrible people most definitely, enough of them already. The money would also enable me to spend quality time with my true friends and family in a stress free environment, I need one of those right now. My bed has been moved into the room which was the office and now the two rooms are together … once the council have done their thing I can move things around again after decorating and this will be mainly a ...

I totally don’t get it, why do I keep getting so damn depressingly bored? What was it which took up all my time before that I didn’t feel like this? I’ve done near all which can be done around the house, am up to date on my work, my diary is totally clear. It’s not even that I am being lazy, I am doing what needs to be done yet, somehow, I’ve now got tons of time on my hands from who knows where? Did days get longer? Hey, there’s an irony, I now go to bed much earlier, rarely after midnight so, in theory, I’ve actually got less hours in the day, they just seem to take a lot longer? Am I forgetting something I should be doing maybe? So, I am totally confused, for some reason I have all this time on my hands and don’t know why. My logical side says, I don’t have any more time on my hands, it just feels longer. Could it be that I am so lacking in enthusiasm for anything that each task is now isolated whereas before I would think before and after doing something, have it in mind which mad...

I totally don’t get it, why do I keep getting so damn depressingly bored? What was it which took up all my time before that I didn’t feel like this? I’ve done near all which can be done around the house, am up to date on my work, my diary is totally clear. It’s not even that I am being lazy, I am doing what needs to be done yet, somehow, I’ve now got tons of time on my hands from who knows where? Did days get longer? Hey, there’s an irony, I now go to bed much earlier, rarely after midnight so, in theory, I’ve actually got less hours in the day, they just seem to take a lot longer? Am I forgetting something I should be doing maybe? So, I am totally confused, for some reason I have all this time on my hands and don’t know why. My logical side says, I don’t have any more time on my hands, it just feels longer. Could it be that I am so lacking in enthusiasm for anything that each task is now isolated whereas before I would think before and after doing something, have it in mind which mad...

Well, I am facing he exciting prospect of taking the trash out the back for collection tomorrow, I so hope there are no maggots anywhere, it’s the one phobia I don’t seem to be able to get over (shudders) The car is almost fixed thanks to Adam, need a little more doing to it before it’s totally OK again but better than it was, the rest will need to be sorted by the main dealer. Considered a council home swap, it appears no one anywhere in the civilised world wants to move to Northampton, and who can blame them?! I may just have to win the lottery after all and go that way to somewhere better. I really want to get away from this place and the bad memories it holds for me. There have been some amazingly good times too but, no one should ever have to feel threatened or uncomfortable in their own town, on their own street like I do. Now may not be the best time, it may get better but, I either need to lock myself in the safety of my bedroom or get myself out of town as much as possible! ...

Well, I am facing he exciting prospect of taking the trash out the back for collection tomorrow, I so hope there are no maggots anywhere, it’s the one phobia I don’t seem to be able to get over (shudders) The car is almost fixed thanks to Adam, need a little more doing to it before it’s totally OK again but better than it was, the rest will need to be sorted by the main dealer. Considered a council home swap, it appears no one anywhere in the civilised world wants to move to Northampton, and who can blame them?! I may just have to win the lottery after all and go that way to somewhere better. I really want to get away from this place and the bad memories it holds for me. There have been some amazingly good times too but, no one should ever have to feel threatened or uncomfortable in their own town, on their own street like I do. Now may not be the best time, it may get better but, I either need to lock myself in the safety of my bedroom or get myself out of town as much as possible! ...

Some have accepted an invite, others I’ve added directly, there seems no way to alter the text of the Yahoo Group which mails out this blog to let anyone know it’s from me or that it has anything to do with sending out my blog entries to anyone … if you don’t want to get these, just delete yourself from the Yahoo Group. Anyway, as I am now not currently using Facebook I thought that this could be a useful alternative for you to keep up with developments where I don’t have to share it with anyone I don’t trust unless any of you pass it on, feel free to comment on the blog or, if you reply to this message, it’ll go to everyone anyway, not just me! If you want to just contact me then that is either by email at ste@outmedia.co.uk or on 07941 949603. OK, to update anyone who isn’t aware, me and Deej split up a while back, he’s getting this so, as I’ve tried to tell everyone, why doesn’t matter and neither does who was to blame, I don’t want to go that route. Since July Javis has been bac...

Some have accepted an invite, others I’ve added directly, there seems no way to alter the text of the Yahoo Group which mails out this blog to let anyone know it’s from me or that it has anything to do with sending out my blog entries to anyone … if you don’t want to get these, just delete yourself from the Yahoo Group. Anyway, as I am now not currently using Facebook I thought that this could be a useful alternative for you to keep up with developments where I don’t have to share it with anyone I don’t trust unless any of you pass it on, feel free to comment on the blog or, if you reply to this message, it’ll go to everyone anyway, not just me! If you want to just contact me then that is either by email at ste@outmedia.co.uk or on 07941 949603. OK, to update anyone who isn’t aware, me and Deej split up a while back, he’s getting this so, as I’ve tried to tell everyone, why doesn’t matter and neither does who was to blame, I don’t want to go that route. Since July Javis has been bac...

OK, OK, yes, I am still exclusively attracted to men but, I am not gay in the sense that I don’t want to shout it from the roof tops and celebrate it. I have no desire to ‘do’ Pride or to seek out gay themed entertainment. To all intents and purposes, I am just me how happens to be attracted to men but who doesn’t essentially feel the need to only be with men who want to be with men! Damn it! I am a man with an identity beyond my sexuality. If all anyone ever thought of me was ‘that gay bloke’ I would be terribly disappointed! So, you see, I cannot even conform to being gay!

OK, OK, yes, I am still exclusively attracted to men but, I am not gay in the sense that I don’t want to shout it from the roof tops and celebrate it. I have no desire to ‘do’ Pride or to seek out gay themed entertainment. To all intents and purposes, I am just me how happens to be attracted to men but who doesn’t essentially feel the need to only be with men who want to be with men! Damn it! I am a man with an identity beyond my sexuality. If all anyone ever thought of me was ‘that gay bloke’ I would be terribly disappointed! So, you see, I cannot even conform to being gay!

Yes, it appears only one person has really noticed my departure from Facebook, he thought I’d blocked him so, perhaps I should have sent one of those messages that people send saying how they are leaving Facebook forever, flounced a little, waited a few days for the begging messages to stay and then … not deactivated? Or not! So, that’s 137 ‘friends’ and only 1 noticed, sums up Facebook quite well I think.

Yes, it appears only one person has really noticed my departure from Facebook, he thought I’d blocked him so, perhaps I should have sent one of those messages that people send saying how they are leaving Facebook forever, flounced a little, waited a few days for the begging messages to stay and then … not deactivated? Or not! So, that’s 137 ‘friends’ and only 1 noticed, sums up Facebook quite well I think.

For now at least! Since things got bad for me I noticed that Facebook seems to be the cop out friend … someone may be on there to play Farmville (or whatever) and they just happen to notice that someone who has been a good friend to them is having a bad time so they drop a quick note to say how they would be there (but). Occasionally, when they read something posted in desperation they respond but, do they pick up the phone? Do they get off their arse and visit? Of course not! So, until I am feeling better I am ditching Facebook though, somehow I suspect few will notice, that’s the nature of the thing, if you’re not on it, you don’t exist! If I am entirely honest, and I just as well be, I am struggling like hell! I feel like I am inside these body controlling it to behave how others expect yet my mind is elsewhere, feeling differently. I guess, if I believed such nonsense, that’d be the Gemini in me. In reality it’s more likely that I am totally screwed up and hurting with no releas...

For now at least! Since things got bad for me I noticed that Facebook seems to be the cop out friend … someone may be on there to play Farmville (or whatever) and they just happen to notice that someone who has been a good friend to them is having a bad time so they drop a quick note to say how they would be there (but). Occasionally, when they read something posted in desperation they respond but, do they pick up the phone? Do they get off their arse and visit? Of course not! So, until I am feeling better I am ditching Facebook though, somehow I suspect few will notice, that’s the nature of the thing, if you’re not on it, you don’t exist! If I am entirely honest, and I just as well be, I am struggling like hell! I feel like I am inside these body controlling it to behave how others expect yet my mind is elsewhere, feeling differently. I guess, if I believed such nonsense, that’d be the Gemini in me. In reality it’s more likely that I am totally screwed up and hurting with no releas...

For me personally, most of July was utter shit, some of the lowest points in my life. August isn’t a whole lot better if any at all. I am really pleased that others around me are sorting their lives out but I am personally feeling like it’s all a little too much this business of life … a lot of pain which makes the gains feel less than they deserve which then makes me feel guilty for not sharing the pleasure which makes me feel more shit and so on. My closest friends almost certainly have a really good idea what is going on, I need to make more of an effort to see them

For me personally, most of July was utter shit, some of the lowest points in my life. August isn’t a whole lot better if any at all. I am really pleased that others around me are sorting their lives out but I am personally feeling like it’s all a little too much this business of life … a lot of pain which makes the gains feel less than they deserve which then makes me feel guilty for not sharing the pleasure which makes me feel more shit and so on. My closest friends almost certainly have a really good idea what is going on, I need to make more of an effort to see them