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Red or Dead

Borrowed some rubber from Ian & Richard, hope Martyn likes it as I am going to need some help getting into it and, more important, out again! (maybe pictures to follow)

Matt sent me a text on the way home. Earlier he has asked if one of his guy friends could stay over and I got quite excited, it was to be the first time he got anyone here, I am totally convinced he is ashamed of showing me off to any of his male friends. The girls are OK as clearly I am no threat but somehow I feel he this is not the case with the guys. Anyway, I got another text to say that he will probably stay at this friend’s house instead. It shouldn’t feel like rejection but it so does.

The house was a complete tip when I got home, nothing had been done since I left yesterday, I couldn’t even get anyone to make me a tea, they all have their own stuff to do, I don’t figure in it.

Visited Jermaine on the way home from Twickenham and all I could do was feel I should bring him home with me. He looked so sad and pathetic, not one smile at all and he was so drowsy as well, it was like it didn’t matter in the slightest whether I was there or not. His room stank of pee, his toilet needed cleaning, all his toys were in one of the lounge area, no one had put a video on for him to watch. It seemed to be like he was effectively banned from his room during the day and when I found him he was sitting totally bored in one of the lounge areas with nothing to do, no television on, no toys, no one but one of the other clients and a parent/relative. It was all just too upsetting and I could barely manage to stop for an hour.

So, I am feeling really quite low now after an initial high. Yesterday I cried as I drove past the A412 junction of the M25 which heads for where Jermaine is but I suspected I would feel crap after a visit so deferred it until today, it was the right thing to do.

I so need to feel close to someone that loves me and in an intimate way too but there isn’t anyone right now, I just feel quite lonely and rejected, useless even. Obviously I will pull out of it but right now it is not good. I just can’t convince myself everything is OK all the time when clearly it isn’t. I know what the cures are but they are unattainable. Life can be a right bitch at times.

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