Steve from England

This is just a summary of the first week as each day would seem to dull to write individually. We got in the habit of playing crazy golf and enjoying it each out to improve upon our own best … I was naturally far superior to Matt (that’ll change so I shall indulge for now). Zoey was also improving but had something that doesn’t quite justify the word ‘style’. Daisy was quite good too, in fact, held on to a better average than Matt for some time. All three of them had more holes in one than I did (Grrr). We enjoyed the delights of Merlin’s restaurant quite often as we did the Miramar in the Yumbo Centre. We walked in the dark across the dunes in order for me to get rid of my fear of the place after being mugged there last year … probably a dumb thing to do but seemed right at the time. Swam in the pool a lot, played pool a little with a little air hockey too. Some time toward the start of that week I developed what I couldn’t decide whether it be a growth or a mouth ulcer. I treated as ...

This is just a summary of the first week as each day would seem to dull to write individually. We got in the habit of playing crazy golf and enjoying it each out to improve upon our own best … I was naturally far superior to Matt (that’ll change so I shall indulge for now). Zoey was also improving but had something that doesn’t quite justify the word ‘style’. Daisy was quite good too, in fact, held on to a better average than Matt for some time. All three of them had more holes in one than I did (Grrr). We enjoyed the delights of Merlin’s restaurant quite often as we did the Miramar in the Yumbo Centre. We walked in the dark across the dunes in order for me to get rid of my fear of the place after being mugged there last year … probably a dumb thing to do but seemed right at the time. Swam in the pool a lot, played pool a little with a little air hockey too. Some time toward the start of that week I developed what I couldn’t decide whether it be a growth or a mouth ulcer. I treated as ...

I was due to go to Cambridge for the Pink Punting event arranged by Tony but it really didn’t seem fair to be doing that and leaving Matt in charge of getting Jermaine off to respite. Pete called anyway to say that they had done me the favour of not picking me up as the weather looked total rubbish, which, in the event, it was. Sure enough, when the time came to get Jermaine off to respite he was in no mood to be going anywhere. He did his worst kind of strop but somehow we managed to avoid his kicks and punches and get him in the car. Soon after that, one of the carers from Eleanor Lodge closed the boot lid on my head which hurt like hell, I guess I was not being as alert as I thought I was!

I was due to go to Cambridge for the Pink Punting event arranged by Tony but it really didn’t seem fair to be doing that and leaving Matt in charge of getting Jermaine off to respite. Pete called anyway to say that they had done me the favour of not picking me up as the weather looked total rubbish, which, in the event, it was. Sure enough, when the time came to get Jermaine off to respite he was in no mood to be going anywhere. He did his worst kind of strop but somehow we managed to avoid his kicks and punches and get him in the car. Soon after that, one of the carers from Eleanor Lodge closed the boot lid on my head which hurt like hell, I guess I was not being as alert as I thought I was!

Yesterday I got an MSN message from someone I found to be most attractive but had been so long since he last spoke to me I didn’t know who he was and then he logged off. Today I get a call from a private number on my mobile from a guy that knew my name but not a lot else about me it would seem. Before I had a chance to work out who that was the call ended and I still have no idea who it was … call back, identify yourself please! Earlier I coloured Matt’s hair which was a challenge because of the end result he was after. I had to lighten it to near blonde then colour it purple then use a highlighter cap and low light it black! Then there was a mad dash to the hospital to get some more hearing aid batteries and tubing which was no problem and across the other side of the building to pick up a prescription for Jermaine. We followed this with a trip to McDonalds for lunch, on to the doctors to get yet more prescriptions that they had lost so had to redo. Onto pharmacy to pick them all up a...

Yesterday I got an MSN message from someone I found to be most attractive but had been so long since he last spoke to me I didn’t know who he was and then he logged off. Today I get a call from a private number on my mobile from a guy that knew my name but not a lot else about me it would seem. Before I had a chance to work out who that was the call ended and I still have no idea who it was … call back, identify yourself please! Earlier I coloured Matt’s hair which was a challenge because of the end result he was after. I had to lighten it to near blonde then colour it purple then use a highlighter cap and low light it black! Then there was a mad dash to the hospital to get some more hearing aid batteries and tubing which was no problem and across the other side of the building to pick up a prescription for Jermaine. We followed this with a trip to McDonalds for lunch, on to the doctors to get yet more prescriptions that they had lost so had to redo. Onto pharmacy to pick them all up a...

Yes, they do … it would appear that I am such a strong person that everyone assumes that things are OK. Cancelling things I was looking forward to for example. In the past few weeks three things I was really looking forward to were snatched away from me and not one of them because something changed. Each of them was just because the ‘friend’ changed their mind. Because I am ‘so strong’ I can just ‘understand’, it will ‘bounce off’ me. Well these things don’t. It is true, I am a strong person but I am not unbreakable. My feelings are really hurt and I am screaming inside for someone to care but, of course, on the outside I am fine, I am coping so no one really, no one except the occasional very special person really notices. They don’t notice because they either can’t be bothered to look or just don’t think of looking. Either is the same and true friends would look, would notice. I mean, come on, looking at this from the outside … I am a gay guy with 4 kids, one is very mentally handica...

Yes, they do … it would appear that I am such a strong person that everyone assumes that things are OK. Cancelling things I was looking forward to for example. In the past few weeks three things I was really looking forward to were snatched away from me and not one of them because something changed. Each of them was just because the ‘friend’ changed their mind. Because I am ‘so strong’ I can just ‘understand’, it will ‘bounce off’ me. Well these things don’t. It is true, I am a strong person but I am not unbreakable. My feelings are really hurt and I am screaming inside for someone to care but, of course, on the outside I am fine, I am coping so no one really, no one except the occasional very special person really notices. They don’t notice because they either can’t be bothered to look or just don’t think of looking. Either is the same and true friends would look, would notice. I mean, come on, looking at this from the outside … I am a gay guy with 4 kids, one is very mentally handica...

The weekend was as I expected it would be, too much time being a dad, no time for myself really. On Monday I had to go look at a care home in Rushdon. It is a respite centre run by the health department rather than social services. It appears that this is even worse of an offer than those that social services have previously offered. Probably one week a month after assessment which could take up to 6 months, possibly more than that but they wouldn’t like to say but, if I accepted it, I would have to drop what social services are offering. The only advantage is that the health service centres are free whereas the social ones incur a cost of £7 a night. Yesterday Robin and I went to Calais, France for the day which was most enjoyable but really tiring. Today I have been rebuilding 4 PC’s to get them properly operational. It is really too hot to be doing that sort of work in a confined space and, the worst aspect of it is, the money I was given to cover the costs has been swallowed up by ...

The weekend was as I expected it would be, too much time being a dad, no time for myself really. On Monday I had to go look at a care home in Rushdon. It is a respite centre run by the health department rather than social services. It appears that this is even worse of an offer than those that social services have previously offered. Probably one week a month after assessment which could take up to 6 months, possibly more than that but they wouldn’t like to say but, if I accepted it, I would have to drop what social services are offering. The only advantage is that the health service centres are free whereas the social ones incur a cost of £7 a night. Yesterday Robin and I went to Calais, France for the day which was most enjoyable but really tiring. Today I have been rebuilding 4 PC’s to get them properly operational. It is really too hot to be doing that sort of work in a confined space and, the worst aspect of it is, the money I was given to cover the costs has been swallowed up by ...

I am getting somewhat disillusioned with the net and my ability to find new soul mates upon it. Logically there are guys there for the finding but I just don’t seem to be pressing the right buttons just now. My theory? It’s me, I really just want to be going down that route of cum and go as is commonplace. I guess I am a relationship kind of guy. There are a multitude of problems here that I need to talk to someone that will let it wash over them or offer to help out when they can. I know my friends will do that but it’s not the same as having a special someone. That and it is nice to hear regularly of the normal outside world beyond these four walls that I have been trapped behind for so long. Now, I so need to get away and stay over at a friends house now and then but, and here is the bit that makes perfect sense to me but maybe only me, I want to be invited. Sure I can just call and say I am bored and I want to come over and they may say yes but that is not the same as them wanting...

I am getting somewhat disillusioned with the net and my ability to find new soul mates upon it. Logically there are guys there for the finding but I just don’t seem to be pressing the right buttons just now. My theory? It’s me, I really just want to be going down that route of cum and go as is commonplace. I guess I am a relationship kind of guy. There are a multitude of problems here that I need to talk to someone that will let it wash over them or offer to help out when they can. I know my friends will do that but it’s not the same as having a special someone. That and it is nice to hear regularly of the normal outside world beyond these four walls that I have been trapped behind for so long. Now, I so need to get away and stay over at a friends house now and then but, and here is the bit that makes perfect sense to me but maybe only me, I want to be invited. Sure I can just call and say I am bored and I want to come over and they may say yes but that is not the same as them wanting...

Somehow 7/7 doesn’t quite have the ring to it that 9/11 did but all the same, cowardly terrorists calmly attacked innocent civilians in London this morning and reeked havoc on the cities transport system and on our future tourism. What did they achieve by these attacks? Well, nothing of course, how could they? London and the UK survived 5 years of killings during the Second World War and still we prevailed and fought off our enemies. So, some crack pots fighting in the name of their own version of religion believe that a few bombs in our capital are going to change anything in this country of ours? These people are cowards and bullies, they deserve no sympathy or any attempt at understanding. I could not help but notice just how quiet the net has been today. Hardly anyone seemed to be about, today is not a day for triviality I think.

Somehow 7/7 doesn’t quite have the ring to it that 9/11 did but all the same, cowardly terrorists calmly attacked innocent civilians in London this morning and reeked havoc on the cities transport system and on our future tourism. What did they achieve by these attacks? Well, nothing of course, how could they? London and the UK survived 5 years of killings during the Second World War and still we prevailed and fought off our enemies. So, some crack pots fighting in the name of their own version of religion believe that a few bombs in our capital are going to change anything in this country of ours? These people are cowards and bullies, they deserve no sympathy or any attempt at understanding. I could not help but notice just how quiet the net has been today. Hardly anyone seemed to be about, today is not a day for triviality I think.

Please don’t be offended Steve I am cancelling my visit up to you next week. This is tough to say and even though yours are lovely, I really don’t get on well with kids and prefer to be in company of friends with no kids milling about so I can relax properly. Well, that was in my mailbox this evening and I can’t say I am shocked, that wouldn’t be true because I have had messages like this before. It always hurts because it rams home the difficulties I face with forming any sort of relationships with guys. For the foreseeable future I shall have kids here, this is not yet just ‘my’ home so, to an extent, it is love me, accept my kids and along the way, I lose several friends and potential partners but it’s totally out of my control. I was asked earlier on today by my first ever boyfriend how I had felt when he just disappeared on me after us being together for a couple of years. I told him that had he not gone when he did I would not have met the woman I married and would not have had t...

Please don’t be offended Steve I am cancelling my visit up to you next week. This is tough to say and even though yours are lovely, I really don’t get on well with kids and prefer to be in company of friends with no kids milling about so I can relax properly. Well, that was in my mailbox this evening and I can’t say I am shocked, that wouldn’t be true because I have had messages like this before. It always hurts because it rams home the difficulties I face with forming any sort of relationships with guys. For the foreseeable future I shall have kids here, this is not yet just ‘my’ home so, to an extent, it is love me, accept my kids and along the way, I lose several friends and potential partners but it’s totally out of my control. I was asked earlier on today by my first ever boyfriend how I had felt when he just disappeared on me after us being together for a couple of years. I told him that had he not gone when he did I would not have met the woman I married and would not have had t...

OK, not that interesting but these title thingies are getting tedious trying to think of new ones. Well, suffice to say that Matt and I did sort out our differences, we normally do. I really feel this weather that is all over the place is not helping the mood of anyone and add into that we have not had a break from Jermaine in over a month and it is no great shock we are getting stressed. Just now I am feeling a little peeved that guys I thought I was getting along with have just stopped contacting me or only contact me when it suits them and then don’t really say much. This idea of mine to make new friends really isn’t getting off the ground. There are also quite a few guys just chatting to me aimlessly never really saying what it is they are after and I am finding all that a little tiresome. If they want a shag, just say so for heavens sake then I can either say yes or no and none of this messing about not really getting anywhere or saying anything. All weekend and today too I have h...

OK, not that interesting but these title thingies are getting tedious trying to think of new ones. Well, suffice to say that Matt and I did sort out our differences, we normally do. I really feel this weather that is all over the place is not helping the mood of anyone and add into that we have not had a break from Jermaine in over a month and it is no great shock we are getting stressed. Just now I am feeling a little peeved that guys I thought I was getting along with have just stopped contacting me or only contact me when it suits them and then don’t really say much. This idea of mine to make new friends really isn’t getting off the ground. There are also quite a few guys just chatting to me aimlessly never really saying what it is they are after and I am finding all that a little tiresome. If they want a shag, just say so for heavens sake then I can either say yes or no and none of this messing about not really getting anywhere or saying anything. All weekend and today too I have h...

This is not a great film, it will not go down in history as a classic or anything like that but I shall remember it for a very long time, it ruined my day. I have no idea if it is the weather, hormones or what it is but Matt and I have not really agreed on anything today, in fact, the word ‘arsehole’ has been used many times. This started, as a day, quite ordinary and then went downhill from then on. Jermaine was clearly in one of his ‘could thump at any moment’ moods so eggshells were being trodden on. Over breakfast I asked Matt & Daisy what they wanted to take on holiday … we had some discussion about the DVD player and I really did try nicely to explain why that was pointless, we could watch TV here. Then we got talking about wide open spaces and it reminded me that I bought a Frisbee and a ‘Bomb’ a while back and that Matt’s friend Johnny had lost the bomb and that Matt had broken the Frisbee. It was then I started to get confronted with Matt’s ‘attitude’. His argument being, ...

This is not a great film, it will not go down in history as a classic or anything like that but I shall remember it for a very long time, it ruined my day. I have no idea if it is the weather, hormones or what it is but Matt and I have not really agreed on anything today, in fact, the word ‘arsehole’ has been used many times. This started, as a day, quite ordinary and then went downhill from then on. Jermaine was clearly in one of his ‘could thump at any moment’ moods so eggshells were being trodden on. Over breakfast I asked Matt & Daisy what they wanted to take on holiday … we had some discussion about the DVD player and I really did try nicely to explain why that was pointless, we could watch TV here. Then we got talking about wide open spaces and it reminded me that I bought a Frisbee and a ‘Bomb’ a while back and that Matt’s friend Johnny had lost the bomb and that Matt had broken the Frisbee. It was then I started to get confronted with Matt’s ‘attitude’. His argument being, ...