Steve from England

... Sometimes ... well, most times ... My brain is working on hyperdrive. I never stop thinking about all sort of things, not worrying, thinking. I could be trying to remember what we have in the freezer. How am I going to pay the bills? Is this task or that task going to get done? Do people like me? I am going to concentrate on that idiot driving in front of me, watch my speed, keep my distance, time my route, get there on time, park here or ... maybe there. When I get there I am going to, several different options, think on that. My knees really hurt, my vision is blurred again, my eye feels like sandpaper is rubbing on the inside, my hearing aid is whistling, that's really annoying and, I can't hear the music either. Memo to self, change playlist, add this, take away that. That's the first few minutes of just a single journey ... Every day I get all that going on, all the time, every waking moment of every day all at the same time as my body is telling me it's going ...

I have got myself stuck in a bit of a rut. Not entirely sure which direction to go down except that, as I clearly need an income, I got to get myself employed fully again. The weekend job had to go. This is a no blame statement but the reality is, I needed 15 hours, I rarely got close to it. That was not sustainable. I was still holding onto it though hoping it would get better. Last weekend, because of some mix up or another, I went to work early according to the rota I had to be told after a half hour my rota had been cancelled. That to me was a reality check. Time to call it a day in as dignified a way as possible. Thankfully, I was already looking elsewhere, as I said, I needed more hours, more regular, it was common sense to see what else was available. It's not a firm offer as yet but probably will be. For now, I am just working the two day week. I love that role and don't want to give it up so am trying to make any new job work around it ... I am still open to a lottery ...

I am struggling is the actual truth here. Making things right seems a little beyond me at the moment. I thought 2 jobs would be enough but now I've had to apply for another. I thought with what was being offered, getting a lodger would be easy but, it seems miles off.  Coping with constantly being tired is no joke, it really isn't. As if the M.E. wasn't bad enough, clearly lack of self worth is contributing to the tiredness. I think I just need lots of hugs from my mum :-(