Steve from England

As we move on our annual passage through life saying farewell to one year and welcoming in the next I think it is important to look at our lives and take ownership. Some of us will have had a horrible childhood, it could be bullying, neglect or some other thing we consider to not have been ‘the best’. In later years we make choices, adult choices and sometimes we forget those choices and blame life in general for our situation. Do not please get me wrong, many things in life are indeed, unfair, some, possibly many are just plain wrong but accepting those we do have to realise we make choices. As an adult we can choose to let go of our childhood, accept that it happened but agree with ourselves that the only way to move forward is to stop allowing ourselves to blame the past for where we are, that’s just an excuse we tell ourselves because, let’s face it, life can be a scary prospect. We get so used to saying this or that causes us not to whatever that it becomes a comfort blanket fo...

It’s easy to write off a year and be glad to see the back of it but, even the worst years will have added something to our life experiences and made us who we are. What we do with those good or bad experiences shows everyone what we’re about. Not bragging too much about the good, not overplaying the bad. Coping when we can cope and accepting the help when we cannot. For me perhaps ‘interesting’ best described this rapidly departing year. One of highs and lows both of which have been heavy on the emotion. Serious issues with Zoey resulted in her finally moving out. That was a very unpleasant experience for many involved. Me and Dennis getting stronger in our relationship, becoming engaged, failing to get a visitors visa for him to come here, succeeding on getting a fiancé visa, huge highs and lows. Dealing with some huge trust and betrayal issues along the way and coming through it making us stronger. My getting close to the new family over in the Philippines Setting in motion getti...

I visited an old school friend earlier, first time I’d seen him in several years. When I say ‘old’ I mean the same age as me but, in his case, ‘old’ works. He answered the door and whilst it was obviously him what I saw was a little bent over old man. This guy has been an alcoholic for a great many years. He’s lacked confidence for as long as I can remember and acted the fool at school as it was his mask to hide his insecurities. He was a young man growing up with an alcoholic father and a mother who was of a generation which were always old in attitude and look, a lovely lady but, never young from my recollection, probably into her 40’s when she had him. He has a brother who put it about, on wife number 3 and I lose count how many children he acknowledges. His older brother was gay, he passed with a HIV related illness a long while back. He’s spent his life in the closet, not just for his sexuality, which he now acknowledges but also from life itself, too afraid to live a life in ca...

In the last month I finalised the sale of Dad’s flat in Essex, I worked out a 3 year plan whereby he keeps the ownership of the new flat in Northampton and has tenants in (already done) and this part pays for his care home which I found and he’s been in now  for 3 weeks. It’s a 3 year plan because part of that funding comes from his savings. Sadly, they won’t last forever but, when they expire, in about 3 years, the property should be worth a lot more than currently it is and he’ll have an additional funding source adequate for the rest of his life. I visited Dad the once after he moved into the care home but it was a horrible experience. He’s was at the stage whereby he knew I was, sort of knew who Daisy was but is in lala land for most everything else. He’s totally forgotten that I’ve been there for him these past few years and blames me for everything in his life going wrong. I will visit again but it’s been a really hectic time so I need to get myself emotionally strong enough ...

Dad’s condition took a turn for the worse. He now lacks capacity and cannot move into his new flat after all. Just when I finally got the solicitors sorted and working Dad gets permanently ill. Because of how useless they are he’ll never get to live in the flat and that’s a huge shame as he actually seemed really happy about it. That’s all up in the air. He’s in hospital now in Essex, within a week or two at the most his address will be Northampton and I’ve got to get one of the authorities to take responsibility for it all. He will either have to self fund which I’ve worked out a workable plan for or, I might be able to persuade them he needs health funding in which case his property and bank balance are preserved for anything he might want to do with it. He doesn’t even get his assessment until likely the end of next week which is now looking really busy. Great news is, Dennis got the visa (yay) which is the best news ever which I’d enjoy all the more if I wasn’t stressing so much ...

With the US Presidential elections about to happen I thought it was worth remembering how things really should be in the world. A lot of the campaigning from Trump has been about pushing one group against another. It’s painfully easy to do and so very difficult to stop once started. Probably most governments and powerful people do this and here is why … During the development of humans we lives in small groups. This worked very well because everyone knew each other, understood the abilities and the thought process. It made for successful production of food or hunting and gave them protection from other possibly rival groups. If a group became too big it would likely split into smaller groups. The notion of the group getting ever bigger was not seen as a workable option as eventually too many would not understand the needs and abilities of others and working together would be too problematic so we started down the road of, our group and, their group. That was all well and good when th...

That’s not a word but, it’ll do! It’s how I feel at the moment. I am trying to be positive, think things up but I don’t much like waiting on distant, often anonymous people to make important decisions or to do important work. The worry of having chosen the wrong solicitors is getting to me. I am having to point out such basic errors I wonder how many I might have missed which could come back to bite me at some point in the future. At the moment I am awaiting a new contract as they screwed up what they sent me, had I signed it then it wouldn’t have been legal. We’ve got the visa decision too, they could reject it just for the hell of it and I have no clue on what grounds to challenge it because I know it was OK, everything we needed was there. A rejection will just be them making the decision we’re not in a valid relationship in their opinion so, all I can fight with is that we are, in our opinion. They’ve got plenty of witness statements to support the case that we’re in a relations...

How do they differ from ‘normal’ relationships? For a start they are clearly not ‘straight’ Straight is normal as everyone knows so, therefore, it stands to reason that those entering into a same sex relationship will want to be as normal as possible. Clearly, one of the partnership must, to remain traditional (another word meaning ‘normal’), one must be the woman and the other, it follows, should be the man. Ideally the two identities should be easy to identify for normal people. It would therefore help if one is camp and feminine and the other is, perhaps, butch and masculine. Once the gender roles are indentified it is then customary for the couple to divulge to anyone asking what their sexual preferences are. Ideally not giving too much information as this is seen as gross but enough as to define that the ‘male’ of the couple is, indeed, the ‘top’ and the ‘female’ is the ‘bottom’. Following on from this the normal person will be expected to and it is accepted that they do ask wi...

I read this online somewhere and it resonated with me, summed me up quite nicely I thought though really is only a glimpse into who I am Contrary to popular belief, men have feelings.  Being highly emotional is not a weakness but strength. Men in touch with their emotions bring a lot to the table. Not only making the world a wonderful place, they offer the true definition of love and passion. Here are some things to remember if you are in love with an emotional person. 1. They want to be connected to the people in their lives They are in touch with their feelings and thus they are conscious of the people that they try to let into their world. If you are accepted into their world you should know that they would want a relationship that is substantive with you, something that they can cherish and has some meaning to them. 2. They will always take a chance on love Emotional people are not afraid of giving a chance to love. They believe all relationships can be full of possibilitie...

It’s been now 4 months since me and Dennis were together in the Philippines. The temptation to blow another few hundred quid for a few more days with him is strong but, I can’t. I find the stress of not being together overwhelming at time, occasionally we have stupid arguments because, instead of saying I just need a hug I start making stupid comments, nearly always at the wrong time. Of course, that’s not to say Dennis never does anything wrong, he annoys the hell out of me some times! But, I even love that about him and, more often than not, even though sometimes he is actually very wrong, he’s also right from a different perspective! I believe one of the issues with being single for so long is not being challenged and finding it difficult to accept that your loving partner is not at the same status as others in your life, the partner has the right to be listened to and acknowledged more than others. Not that others deserve to be treated badly more a case that, extra effort should ...

When I was a child I had a bucket list. I didn’t know it was one back then, not sure the term existed. I had a wish list, places I dreamed of going, things I dreamed of doing and, they were dreams too. I was in awe the very first time I saw Disneyland on the television, probably in black & white …. that means it was like, a really old TV because that’s how old I am. I knew I had to go see that place. I had no idea how I could or when but it was fixed hard in my heart, it had to be done. Of course, the Isle of Wight was the furthest I’d travelled which by any description would I have considered ‘abroad’ and I didn’t even know anyone I was aware of who travelled to other countries for pleasure. As I grew older I added New York to my list of places I wanted to see. All those amazing tall buildings, the yellow cabs, the park, wow. At 18 I got the opportunity to apply for a job there but was pipped to the post by a work colleague. By now I had at least been to France for the day! Tha...

I’ve decided that I am trying a different lifestyle. Except for special events I am going to turn off the electronics at 10pm and sleep by 11pm. After 9pm my phone will be off in my wind down time. I tried this last night, almost worked except that I woke up at 03:30 and needed to get up as my mind was too active to sleep. Half hour later I went back to sleep again so, getting there. My weight gain could be over eating, it could be the statins I am on but, it doesn’t matter what causes it ‘I’ have to change it. Since I lost weight I have now regained 8 lbs and feel like I’ve totally let myself down. MY clothes feel tight and I feel too heavy. Again, could be the statins but most likely the weight gain is causing aches and pains, none of this is good. I am going to be actively avoiding stressful situations. If I don’t want to deal with something a certain day then I’ll just put it off until another day and deal with it then. Me time is not going to be a luxury because it is clearly a...

[caption id="attachment_1965" align="alignnone" width="300"] Me Dennis & Mom[/caption] [caption id="attachment_1966" align="aligncenter" width="300"] On Alona Beach[/caption] [caption id="attachment_1967" align="alignleft" width="300"] Me & Dennis alone in the pool together[/caption] [caption id="attachment_1969" align="alignright" width="300"] Food time[/caption] [caption id="attachment_1970" align="alignright" width="300"] Harbour Front in Hong Kong[/caption] [caption id="attachment_1971" align="alignnone" width="300"] Panda, one off my bucket list for seeing a panda in China (close enough) Ocean Park, Hong Kong[/caption] [caption id="attachment_1972" align="alignnone" width="300"] Hong Kong Disneyland with Dennis[/caption] [caption id="attachment_1973"...

Sometimes, and I don’t care whether we say it’s chance of the hand of God, bad stuff happens but it is to path the way for something better. We’re being told that we’re heading down the wrong road and that there is a better way. This has been happening a fair bit lately. Both me and Dennis thought that being rejected for the visa was the worst thing ever but, in the grand scheme of things, with a lifetime to look forward to, it’s just allowing us a better opportunity to grow even closer. If I am honest, I need a holiday. I’ve not had a real stress free holiday for years. I’ve been out the country but it’s just been the sort of thing I do here but somewhere else, not really relaxing and certainly not with anyone special. Being on my own is OK but it doesn’t compare to sharing life experiences. So, thanks to Mr Credit Card and Miss Loan I am off to spend the month with Dennis. As said previously, all benefits are cancelled for the month so there is zero question as to whether this is O...

Dennis was denied a visitor visa to come here. This might to some just seem like a disappointment but, to us it is a huge set back. When a couple apply for a visa for a foreign national to come here one of the requirements is that both have visited each others country, met friends and family. It goes toward proving that the couple are in a committed relationship. If our own government then prevents the foreign national from entering the country on a visitors visa then the chances of getting any other sort of visa are greatly reduced. It doesn’t mean we won’t get one next year it just makes it more difficult. This year everything was right. I looked into it and we covered, as far as I could tell, every visa requirement, nothing was left to chance and yet, it was denied. I can’t help but believe that it was denied for reasons which are more personal opinion than legally based. They didn’t like the idea of encouraging a gay couple to be together. Sure, I can go there and likely will. ...

Sad to say, a public place like this is not where I am going to share every little detail especially when not every disaster only involves me so, this entry is a little cryptic. The past several weeks and certainly the past few days have been difficult to say the least. Indeed, difficult is an understatement of the last few days. My emotional level is off the scale, coping is something I was doing last week, right now I am functioning on auto pilot. Let me tell you what I can without saying too much … the visa for Dennis still hasn’t come through and he’s meant to come here next week, airline prices are rising daily and there is nothing I can do about that. We don’t even know if he’ll be accepted for a visa. There is nothing funny about it. The household income has taken yet another nose dive, down another few hundred a month now. I’ve got to magic something out of thin air. I usually do so, I’ve got to have faith in myself whilst expecting my luck to totally run out at some point. ...

It’s really quite stressful. Going to work would be far less stress than being responsible for others that I actually care about. There is no detachment here, it’s full on all of the time. I don’t begrudge it, far from it. Life has dealt me this hand and I am going to play it to win it would be so much nicer with a lottery win though. They say that money can’t buy you happiness but, I’d just much rather scream in a mansion. Once again we’ve got the Zoey issue happening. She’s fine but it’s the social workers buggering about. They’ve been told time and time again that the budget from last year needs to be increased so they increased it but then said she cannot have the new budget until she moves out whilst acknowledging it’s not enough anyway. They just unsuspended the old budget after having saved themselves £5,600 in payments they didn’t make to it. The amount will just cover her two trips to Project Care each week and the small bit left over will barely cover anything! So, that’s ...

I was hoping by now that I’d have all the plans in place for when Dennis was here next month but … I think a very long rule by the Spaniards has left not a small amount of the Manjana attitude. For me, and I know I am not typical of all Brits, I won’t leave until tomorrow something I could do yesterday but, that’s cool because I enjoy our differences. Anyway, all things going well, we should know in about 3 weeks whether the wonderful UK Foreign Office says yes or not to the visa application which will give me a staggering just over 2 weeks to arrange everything! Now, tomorrow here in the UK is Mothers Day and, as it has been now for 29 years, I don’t have a mum any longer so, I shall be alone again (naturally). Everyone else, quite rightly, being with their mums. For those who don’t know, my mum died on July 10th 1986. Medical reasons aside, she died from a broken heart and, try as I might, the person who did that is someone I can’t ever forgive, ironically, the same woman did it to...

My weight is stuck at 10st 8lbs. I lost 9lbs since I started this but for three weeks I am stuck where I am …. incidentally coinciding with my starting the Gym Zoey has a new  Social Services Team. Assessment Done, awaiting conclusion Zoey will be moving out, housing application submitted, wait and see Zoey was awarded Higher Rate for both care and mobility on her PiP application on the first attempt I have a cold, bugger Daisy has an ear infection Sean needs some support Matt can’t walk without looking and feeling like he was kicked in the nuts, so much for exercise! Robin is in a bad way, he’ll get there Show, A Little Night Music, was really very good. I am still in love with Dennis and he me. Dennis will get his passport this Thursday and hopefully we’ll know in a little over 2 weeks about his visa application Apparently it’s cheaper to fly to Birmingham from Manila than it is to London, who knew? Meeting in Corby tomorrow for Jermaine, updates to come Had my eye...

I discovered through the back door that Zoey now has a new social worker from the Younger Adults Team. So far she has lied to me twice. The system showed her being allocated Zoey on 12th, last Friday yet, she told me on Tuesday she’d just been told and was going to speak to her manager to arrange an assessment and get back to me Tuesday afternoon. So, she lied about when she was told about and, of course, I’ve received no contact since. So, already off to a bad start! I will call again tomorrow and see what BS she has for me. Spoke to a doctor earlier at the local surgery. My cholesterol issue is almost certainly as a result of my illness back in December in the Philippines. My kidneys and liver are apparently not functioning properly. I am amazed they did no tests to ensure the bug was out of my system as it was said to go to those organs next once it cleared my stomach. Anyway, I am still on statins for the foreseeable future. I am also on a maintenance dose of Vitamin D for a few m...

Do you remember the nurse from CTPLD Kettering who reported me for allegedly making my sons’ money disappear? Had the meeting today with her and one of her bosses, it went well. She might have got off lighter had she kept her mouth shut but she is one of these power women who has to assert her authority. Me and my amazing friend Helen were able to convince her boss that safeguarding needs to be as a last resort, after all other measures have been taken and failed. That despite what they think, which is that it’s just an admin thing, the very word ‘safeguarding’ doesn’t sound anything like ‘admin’ to a family member or carer getting the call from them. The Care Quality Commission say this of ‘safeguarding’: “ Safeguarding means protecting people's health, wellbeing and human rights, and enabling them to live free from harm, abuse and neglect” Doesn’t sound like admin at all really put in that context! So when someone gets a call telling them they are being investigated with ...

Still nothing from Social Services. I’ve called and written the NHS Crisis team have emailed The local MP has written The Ombudsman is on the case Still not an utterance from them. I cannot believe that what they’re doing is even legal and hope sincerely that someone loses their job over this! I am now have to pay out for services for Zoey myself, more accurately, Zoey’s benefit money is having to be spent on what should have been provided for her. Meeting Tomorrow With the woman and her boss who was the one to start off a safeguarding case against me. Now, the case was dismissed after a quick chat with the investigator but, how very dare she decide to cause waves for me when she might, even easier, have just spoken to me directly! It’s not often I get to confront one of the cowards who reports me for something I haven’t done because they can. I think I shall enjoy the experience. I think I need to not offer my services any further! It seems that I agree to do something, for f...

5lbs so far but I've stopped going to Slimming World. There is nothing wrong with them I just needed to make a choice, pay £4 a week to follow the same plan I can follow anyway at home or get a gym membership and add something healthy on the exercise front into the mix. I chose the latter because something else showed up on my blood test results that I wasn't expecting. I have a higher than normal cholesterol level. The GP suggested it's high enough to suspect a heredity factor as opposed to a poor diet. I've been advised to take some exercise, get my heart healthy before anything nasty happens and I am on 'statins' too. All jolly good fun (not) and probably the first of the tablets in my life I may need to take long term to stay healthy. The diet is good though, no bad stuff in there so, hopefully the tablets do their job, the gym give me some strength in my heart muscle and all shall be good. Social Services really do seem to have disappeared off the face of t...

Had bloods looked at and I have a Vitamin D Deficiency which means it has me feeling overly exhausted, even when I'm able to get enough shut-eye. Last night I was motionless for 95% of the time. It also means I feel moody or blue. So, this being the diagnosis I have been given some medication and will be chatting to the GP on Tuesday. It also has some quite nasty implications but we won't worry about any of those as I believe this came on quite recently, not a long term issue. On 6th January me and Daisy started Slimming World , they've been around for a bit, have a good reputation. Of course, the way I am feeling has dulled my excitement so I am just going through the motions. Even so, 3lbs this week isn't so terrible, more would be better. I am looking at an average loss of 4lbs so I need to try harder. Dennis is heading off to do some coaching this weekend, I might not be able to speak to him at all for a month. I hope that's not the case as the distance is hard...

It feels like it does sometimes. I often say how much I’d love to go out to work just for a break, I’m not kidding! We’re still waiting to get any service at all for Zoey, it’s been months now. The Department of Works and Pensions just told me I have until 22nd January to apply for her Personal Independence Payment … which I just know they’ll reject first time around so I will have to appeal. When they reject it I lose ALL income until it is sorted again. I don’t mean it gets cut I really mean I shall have zero income. The amount Zoey will have left won’t even cost how much she actually costs herself! Of course, I could just think positive and assume it will all be approved first time but, that’s not my experience in life, life, for me isn’t so easy. I have to fight for everything. I am supposedly very good at it but, why should I have to? Others seem to have really good and stress free lives, why is it I get picked out as the one who can’t have that? I am entitled to a Carers Asses...