Yes, that’s me! I have no idea who I am any more so I must be some sort of fraud. I have no idea how to relax and enjoy myself, I am always on the go. I have no value ‘to me’. I know I am of value to others but I personally get very little out of my life now, just some rare, quiet thoughtful moments where some pleasure seeps in.
When it could seem I am enjoying myself my mind is still belting through trying to resolve other peoples issues, worrying about debt, worrying about what person or organisation is going to screw up next and give me more grief ‘I’ have to deal with.
It seems to me that when I am needed to do something I do it as soon as I can, nearly always as soon as asked and only very rarely have to refuse to do something. That only works the one way though, if I ask someone else to do something I can just about rely now on the belief it won’t be done.
I have been so busy being there for others I now have no room left for me. I am not exaggerating, I really don’t have an identity to me any more, I am just a husband, a dad, a friend, a client etc.
The only way that is going to change, if even it can, is if others change and, that means me asking and that, as I said before, means, it isn’t going to happen so … expect the usual queue for me, form it orderly, no pushing at the bank and, if anyone sees some short bloke, somewhere near the back who looks just like me fighting to get through, maybe once every now and then, let him through.
I need some serious pampering, some degree of ‘showing the love’ in more than words, words are cheap and are often worth even less, actions are the currency of caring.
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