Steve from England

A couple of years back someone asked me “Why does being gay always have to be about sex” and I’d never really thought about it like that before but it is so true. For some weird reason, that same person sees gay life now as being all about sex and little else but such is life, I move on. Being a little late to the out and open gay life it has taken me some time to find the kind of being gay that is right for me. My conclusion, and I respect that this is a ‘for now’ conclusion … is that what I really want is to meet someone that becomes special and then sex will follow somewhere way down the line. I don’t want sex to be the defining factor in any relationship I have with someone. The possible icing on the cake, the affirmation of love but not the meaning of love. Sex without the trusted love of another guy doesn’t mean anything to me, it is pointless except to relieve the sexual urges that I naturally have and it is true, I probably don’t get enough of it! But, without that re...

A couple of years back someone asked me “Why does being gay always have to be about sex” and I’d never really thought about it like that before but it is so true. For some weird reason, that same person sees gay life now as being all about sex and little else but such is life, I move on. Being a little late to the out and open gay life it has taken me some time to find the kind of being gay that is right for me. My conclusion, and I respect that this is a ‘for now’ conclusion … is that what I really want is to meet someone that becomes special and then sex will follow somewhere way down the line. I don’t want sex to be the defining factor in any relationship I have with someone. The possible icing on the cake, the affirmation of love but not the meaning of love. Sex without the trusted love of another guy doesn’t mean anything to me, it is pointless except to relieve the sexual urges that I naturally have and it is true, I probably don’t get enough of it! But, without that re...

... to a house load of kids age range of 13 - 18 and thought to myself, yes, this is how it is meant to be, a lively house and loads of happy people. I sometimes wish the kids would do this more often as there really is little worse as a parent to have kids seemingly avoiding the place! In contrast, at some point today, most if not all of them will sod off again and I shall have the house back to myself. Matt seems like he has decided to take a gap year which is fine except that he and me need to discuss finance as him taking a year out means I have to pay more money ... I lose Child Benefit for him, he no longer fits onto my income support claim and I have to pay a proportion of council tax and rent. It could actually cost him a fair bit to refund me te difference. I need to start booking stuff. I am taking Robin to Calais next Thursday but it looks like Matt can't join us as he'll be starting his new job hopefully this week but I don't know that and he so needs to find ou...

... to a house load of kids age range of 13 - 18 and thought to myself, yes, this is how it is meant to be, a lively house and loads of happy people. I sometimes wish the kids would do this more often as there really is little worse as a parent to have kids seemingly avoiding the place! In contrast, at some point today, most if not all of them will sod off again and I shall have the house back to myself. Matt seems like he has decided to take a gap year which is fine except that he and me need to discuss finance as him taking a year out means I have to pay more money ... I lose Child Benefit for him, he no longer fits onto my income support claim and I have to pay a proportion of council tax and rent. It could actually cost him a fair bit to refund me te difference. I need to start booking stuff. I am taking Robin to Calais next Thursday but it looks like Matt can't join us as he'll be starting his new job hopefully this week but I don't know that and he so needs to find ou...

I have just found out that the council intends building a huge housing estate on Dallington Grange which, for them what don't know ... is the entire area of greenspace near my house from Kings Heath up to Harlestone Firs! I have needless to say voiced my objections but it won't change anything, I and those like me will just be seen as NIMBY's and I guess, to an extent, we are right. The thing is, one of the joys of living here was that land, the farm and the lovely walk over to the firs and now that's going ... the only relief is that they cannot touch the firs themself. Still, credit to the MP for letting me know about it by 1st class mail! Had a good day or so ... it was an OK drive to Manchester to pick a key up from Pete and the M6 toll really impressed me ... blue badge holders use it free you know! The weather got worse the closer I got to Meltham with the final tally at pissing down with rain and just 10 deg C! Had a very enjoyable meal at the pub in the evening,...

I have just found out that the council intends building a huge housing estate on Dallington Grange which, for them what don't know ... is the entire area of greenspace near my house from Kings Heath up to Harlestone Firs! I have needless to say voiced my objections but it won't change anything, I and those like me will just be seen as NIMBY's and I guess, to an extent, we are right. The thing is, one of the joys of living here was that land, the farm and the lovely walk over to the firs and now that's going ... the only relief is that they cannot touch the firs themself. Still, credit to the MP for letting me know about it by 1st class mail! Had a good day or so ... it was an OK drive to Manchester to pick a key up from Pete and the M6 toll really impressed me ... blue badge holders use it free you know! The weather got worse the closer I got to Meltham with the final tally at pissing down with rain and just 10 deg C! Had a very enjoyable meal at the pub in the evening,...

For reasons I don't understand I am feeling tired all of the time regardless of how much sleep I get. It's weird because it feels like tiredness yet it also doesn't. It's almost like my body wants to shut down for some reason yet doesn't actually have the 'need' to shut down so maybe it's a mental thing? I am feeling depressed at the moment but that has only happened since I started feeling so tired whereas I'd have expected it to be the other way around. I feel depressed because I feel so drained and don't have the energy to do anything. I cannot think of any particular reason for me to feel depressed, no more than usual anyway. Oh well, it'll probably sort itself out given time, these things normally do. What is annoying me too is that I feel down about just about everything, feel a little paranoid like no one really likes me, I am not good at anything, you know, classic depression symptoms yet, on another level, I don't feel like that...

For reasons I don't understand I am feeling tired all of the time regardless of how much sleep I get. It's weird because it feels like tiredness yet it also doesn't. It's almost like my body wants to shut down for some reason yet doesn't actually have the 'need' to shut down so maybe it's a mental thing? I am feeling depressed at the moment but that has only happened since I started feeling so tired whereas I'd have expected it to be the other way around. I feel depressed because I feel so drained and don't have the energy to do anything. I cannot think of any particular reason for me to feel depressed, no more than usual anyway. Oh well, it'll probably sort itself out given time, these things normally do. What is annoying me too is that I feel down about just about everything, feel a little paranoid like no one really likes me, I am not good at anything, you know, classic depression symptoms yet, on another level, I don't feel like that...

I mentioned the writing but did not give any links! All the stuff I do is always on ' dizzyqueen '

I mentioned the writing but did not give any links! All the stuff I do is always on ' dizzyqueen '

Well, I am looking into jobs and my chosen career, in counselling, could be problematic. Not that I am not capable, I am more than able to do the job for the sake of a degree or two. My issue is that there don't seem to be many employment chances in it. Not a lot of point doing a few years uni and then be out of work for ages or doing a job I could have got without the degree. As for that, it means a degree course to get me on yet another degree course which, I have to say, doesn't really appeal as it means at least 4 years plus quite some time work experience all for what may amount to no career. So, sad as it is, I think I will need to go down the IT route which I am also capable of and happens to pay as much if not more than the counselling would do. I could still benefit from going to college and getting some certificates behind me but after that it is just a case of finding a job. Once the kids have all left home I could, in theory, live just about anywhere in the count...

Well, I am looking into jobs and my chosen career, in counselling, could be problematic. Not that I am not capable, I am more than able to do the job for the sake of a degree or two. My issue is that there don't seem to be many employment chances in it. Not a lot of point doing a few years uni and then be out of work for ages or doing a job I could have got without the degree. As for that, it means a degree course to get me on yet another degree course which, I have to say, doesn't really appeal as it means at least 4 years plus quite some time work experience all for what may amount to no career. So, sad as it is, I think I will need to go down the IT route which I am also capable of and happens to pay as much if not more than the counselling would do. I could still benefit from going to college and getting some certificates behind me but after that it is just a case of finding a job. Once the kids have all left home I could, in theory, live just about anywhere in the count...

Zoey insisted she wanted to go down town today with her carer family to get me a fathers day card as she didn't like any of the ones locally ... bless how the one with the least mental capacity could put in the most thought

Zoey insisted she wanted to go down town today with her carer family to get me a fathers day card as she didn't like any of the ones locally ... bless how the one with the least mental capacity could put in the most thought

Well, the idea I love, the reality never seem to quite happen for me I'd spent quite a bit of time rebuilding my own laptop when I volunteered to configure Nick's laptop for him and get it working like his desktop ... actually, better than his desktop is preferable! So, on Saturday (my day off) I went shopping and sorted Nicks 'puters out until well into the night. I don't mind but it was (is) very time consuming and when he got his laptop back today he still managed to mention more of the little niggles that I had missed than he did the amount of effort I put in doing the job ... that and moving lots of boxes back and forth and the driving. Like I said, I don't mind but along with the thanks was the chatter of what a nice time he was having, where he'd be going tonight with friends and his trip to Ireland next week when it is my day off, more is the point, it is fathers day and my kids have made no effort at all beyond their chores. Matt did a dash around yeste...

Well, the idea I love, the reality never seem to quite happen for me I'd spent quite a bit of time rebuilding my own laptop when I volunteered to configure Nick's laptop for him and get it working like his desktop ... actually, better than his desktop is preferable! So, on Saturday (my day off) I went shopping and sorted Nicks 'puters out until well into the night. I don't mind but it was (is) very time consuming and when he got his laptop back today he still managed to mention more of the little niggles that I had missed than he did the amount of effort I put in doing the job ... that and moving lots of boxes back and forth and the driving. Like I said, I don't mind but along with the thanks was the chatter of what a nice time he was having, where he'd be going tonight with friends and his trip to Ireland next week when it is my day off, more is the point, it is fathers day and my kids have made no effort at all beyond their chores. Matt did a dash around yeste...

Yes, I am sad to say I have been neglecting my blog of late. Not that nothing has been happening but I have just been too knackered to write anything that I totally did not need to write. My Daisy is causing concern; it seems like no punishment works anymore. As she spends most of her life being grounded it has become normal so I am thinking that I am no longer going to ground her so that she has to face up to what she is doing rather than the possibility that she can hide away then get a quick fix of badness between groundings ... hell, no idea if it will work but the status quo is not an option. My laptop has been causing me major grief. It started playing up last weekend. The majority of programs ran OK as long as no multimedia was used then it slowed down and was basically just crap. It was also taking 5 minutes to boot up. I broke my own rule and spent days trying to resolve the fault before conceding defeat and doing a rebuild. My rule is just that if a repair is going to take m...

Yes, I am sad to say I have been neglecting my blog of late. Not that nothing has been happening but I have just been too knackered to write anything that I totally did not need to write. My Daisy is causing concern; it seems like no punishment works anymore. As she spends most of her life being grounded it has become normal so I am thinking that I am no longer going to ground her so that she has to face up to what she is doing rather than the possibility that she can hide away then get a quick fix of badness between groundings ... hell, no idea if it will work but the status quo is not an option. My laptop has been causing me major grief. It started playing up last weekend. The majority of programs ran OK as long as no multimedia was used then it slowed down and was basically just crap. It was also taking 5 minutes to boot up. I broke my own rule and spent days trying to resolve the fault before conceding defeat and doing a rebuild. My rule is just that if a repair is going to take m...

Let's call this summer shall we? You know, just in case the end of June sees us in autumn weather of 12 C again. I can tell you it was just a little chilly on the beach earlier on despite the 27 C it was meant to be according to the car. Sitting here in the lounge with the sun belting down on me is a different story, it is so flippin' hot! Visited Jermaine yesterday and he was bright and bubbly, gave me a wonderful smile when I arrived and we went outside and had some fun messing about in the grounds and he loved it. Sadly, he started to get a little wobbly on his feet and jerking a lot so I had to take him back. He got into bed and was asleep within 15 minutes after I'd had a chat with him and a hug so I left. The journey to Gary & Toms was horrible. 4 hours it took and each decision I made seemed to be the wrong one. I left at 2:25 and headed onto the M25 which was bumper to bumper so I turned off to give the north circular a try and the same problem there. I got so d...

Let's call this summer shall we? You know, just in case the end of June sees us in autumn weather of 12 C again. I can tell you it was just a little chilly on the beach earlier on despite the 27 C it was meant to be according to the car. Sitting here in the lounge with the sun belting down on me is a different story, it is so flippin' hot! Visited Jermaine yesterday and he was bright and bubbly, gave me a wonderful smile when I arrived and we went outside and had some fun messing about in the grounds and he loved it. Sadly, he started to get a little wobbly on his feet and jerking a lot so I had to take him back. He got into bed and was asleep within 15 minutes after I'd had a chat with him and a hug so I left. The journey to Gary & Toms was horrible. 4 hours it took and each decision I made seemed to be the wrong one. I left at 2:25 and headed onto the M25 which was bumper to bumper so I turned off to give the north circular a try and the same problem there. I got so d...

I got a txt from Matt at something close to 1am saying they were enjoying themselves, no idea when they'd be home and 'happy birthday' There was a thread started by Martyn on Kagoul which was really nice to read, that was the second thing I noticed. I got an MMS from Simon wishing me a happy birthday, again, lovely Nick called and came over and we watched 'The Producers' ... I love that film, am buying, enough said. Robin called, always lovely Daisy came home with Laura and gave me a card. They asked why I was working on my birthday and I said because no one else is volunteering. I also said that no one else emptied the dishwasher, no one else did the washing up from last night and no one else had done the garden in three weeks. Total of 9 cards and 2 net cards, that is almost a record. Gifts are ... bottle of champers, 2 DVD's. vouchers from Disney Store (They are so being spent tomorrow and I know what on too (thank you). A bottle of Calvados (I skipped the gl...

I got a txt from Matt at something close to 1am saying they were enjoying themselves, no idea when they'd be home and 'happy birthday' There was a thread started by Martyn on Kagoul which was really nice to read, that was the second thing I noticed. I got an MMS from Simon wishing me a happy birthday, again, lovely Nick called and came over and we watched 'The Producers' ... I love that film, am buying, enough said. Robin called, always lovely Daisy came home with Laura and gave me a card. They asked why I was working on my birthday and I said because no one else is volunteering. I also said that no one else emptied the dishwasher, no one else did the washing up from last night and no one else had done the garden in three weeks. Total of 9 cards and 2 net cards, that is almost a record. Gifts are ... bottle of champers, 2 DVD's. vouchers from Disney Store (They are so being spent tomorrow and I know what on too (thank you). A bottle of Calvados (I skipped the gl...

I wish, at times, I didn't have them. In the time it takes to publish this entry I shall become 43 years old. That isn't old and I could have a lot more birthdays yet but too many of them are taken over with negative emotion. In my head I am alone, there is the world and then there is me and it is one huge battle. I value the part in my life my friends play but they are not, cannot be inside my head. I feel my only achievment in life is my kids. Sure, I have spread a little happiness, some cash and whatever but it won't be remembered. If I croaked tomorrow there would be them that miss me for a bit but most won't notice. Matt is out with James getting pissed, he'll be back whenever, I am about to go do the clearing up he left downstairs, the dirty dishes, the left over food. Then I will ut a wash load on. Daisy is out tonight, said she'll be back about 11 tomorrow. There is just me and Zoey. My world is off out living their lives and it's my fucking birthday...

I wish, at times, I didn't have them. In the time it takes to publish this entry I shall become 43 years old. That isn't old and I could have a lot more birthdays yet but too many of them are taken over with negative emotion. In my head I am alone, there is the world and then there is me and it is one huge battle. I value the part in my life my friends play but they are not, cannot be inside my head. I feel my only achievment in life is my kids. Sure, I have spread a little happiness, some cash and whatever but it won't be remembered. If I croaked tomorrow there would be them that miss me for a bit but most won't notice. Matt is out with James getting pissed, he'll be back whenever, I am about to go do the clearing up he left downstairs, the dirty dishes, the left over food. Then I will ut a wash load on. Daisy is out tonight, said she'll be back about 11 tomorrow. There is just me and Zoey. My world is off out living their lives and it's my fucking birthday...

Had a lovely few days with Stan and the journey back was easy too so that was a result. Now, every year I have a birtday, I understand most people do the same thing so this is probably not so unusual. What I also do each year is the pre birthday assumptions. This year I am assuming I shall get gifts from 3 people. From those three, one I shall near as dammit pay for myself. I shall get 3 phone calls to wish me a happy birthday, possibly only 2. The kids will do so eventually which will be a quick 'happy birthday dad' and then the day will carry on like any other. My birthday being a Sunday I know I already have any postal gifts I am going to get. I guess that'd mean probably all the cards too, that'll be 4 then. I may at some future date get a delayed gift but that is by no means certain, I suspect I shall also not get a gift that was promised me but I was expecting that. On the plus side, the weather will be nice, I may well get some gardening done as it currently re...

Had a lovely few days with Stan and the journey back was easy too so that was a result. Now, every year I have a birtday, I understand most people do the same thing so this is probably not so unusual. What I also do each year is the pre birthday assumptions. This year I am assuming I shall get gifts from 3 people. From those three, one I shall near as dammit pay for myself. I shall get 3 phone calls to wish me a happy birthday, possibly only 2. The kids will do so eventually which will be a quick 'happy birthday dad' and then the day will carry on like any other. My birthday being a Sunday I know I already have any postal gifts I am going to get. I guess that'd mean probably all the cards too, that'll be 4 then. I may at some future date get a delayed gift but that is by no means certain, I suspect I shall also not get a gift that was promised me but I was expecting that. On the plus side, the weather will be nice, I may well get some gardening done as it currently re...

Morgan sie Das ist 00:35 und ich bin pissen There is a feeling of day jar view here ( :-) ) (yes., I know that is wrong) A few weeks ago I went to a pub and had a few beers, had a coffee, went to bed and then got up and emptied out. Right now I am at the having a coffee stage. The topics of convo this evening were ... rolls of flab in order to have kids. Wet and dry orgasm's. How long Stan's was and, by comaprison, whether James would fit. The chav that Stan had. We worked out that Stan was the bottom because Stan asked what the chav wanted to do and the Chav answered 'innit' which Stan took to mean he was a top, we all make mistakes. I have a birthday tomorrow, I have one each and every year and tomorrow is that day. This year I shall be 43 and I really don't think I will be breaking any records for the amount of visitors or gifts I shall get. I think what we will do is leave here after breakfast tomorrow which could well be the afternoon the way things are goin...

Morgan sie Das ist 00:35 und ich bin pissen There is a feeling of day jar view here ( :-) ) (yes., I know that is wrong) A few weeks ago I went to a pub and had a few beers, had a coffee, went to bed and then got up and emptied out. Right now I am at the having a coffee stage. The topics of convo this evening were ... rolls of flab in order to have kids. Wet and dry orgasm's. How long Stan's was and, by comaprison, whether James would fit. The chav that Stan had. We worked out that Stan was the bottom because Stan asked what the chav wanted to do and the Chav answered 'innit' which Stan took to mean he was a top, we all make mistakes. I have a birthday tomorrow, I have one each and every year and tomorrow is that day. This year I shall be 43 and I really don't think I will be breaking any records for the amount of visitors or gifts I shall get. I think what we will do is leave here after breakfast tomorrow which could well be the afternoon the way things are goin...

Arrived up in Meltham, Yorkshire around 6:45 this evening to the smell of a BBQ and a variety of vodka bevvies. The journey was via Drayton Manor where Matt and Daisy had been for the day and boy was I knackered when I got here. Matt & Stan are off to the pub getting terribly pissed .... nah, by the sound of it, they have just got back ... I hope that was the door banging! I am so not up early tomorrow!

Arrived up in Meltham, Yorkshire around 6:45 this evening to the smell of a BBQ and a variety of vodka bevvies. The journey was via Drayton Manor where Matt and Daisy had been for the day and boy was I knackered when I got here. Matt & Stan are off to the pub getting terribly pissed .... nah, by the sound of it, they have just got back ... I hope that was the door banging! I am so not up early tomorrow!