Steve from England

I think it is important all year but especially this time of year to recall those who have either died or otherwise stepped out of our lives over the years. Any list I give is by no means comprehensive but more a sample of the special people I have known who are simply not around me any longer. This does not devalue those still close to me, I would hope they already know how deeply I care for them. Those which have died: I will have had 22 Christmas days without my mum 20 of them without my Nan Just a few now without Tony Those who have influenced or enriched my life or just gave me laughs: Simon, I often wonder what would have happened had 'things' not happened. Neil, my first real love and always with a space in my heart Martyn, he knows his reasons Paul, my friend from school who prefers the drink to his life Brian Crutchley who somehow could get me laughing with just a look Seb, my friend from France, I miss those Trek chats You know what, that list is in no particular orde...

I think it is important all year but especially this time of year to recall those who have either died or otherwise stepped out of our lives over the years. Any list I give is by no means comprehensive but more a sample of the special people I have known who are simply not around me any longer. This does not devalue those still close to me, I would hope they already know how deeply I care for them. Those which have died: I will have had 22 Christmas days without my mum 20 of them without my Nan Just a few now without Tony Those who have influenced or enriched my life or just gave me laughs: Simon, I often wonder what would have happened had 'things' not happened. Neil, my first real love and always with a space in my heart Martyn, he knows his reasons Paul, my friend from school who prefers the drink to his life Brian Crutchley who somehow could get me laughing with just a look Seb, my friend from France, I miss those Trek chats You know what, that list is in no particular orde...

An update. I know, it's been an age since I wrote anything but that's just the way I have been feeling the past few weeks, not really in a sharing mood with my life. On the negative side, social services are still arse holes and seem to be going out of their way to be awkward. I cannot say for certain what their motivation for this is, I suspect one of two things or possibly both. Saving money could well be the primary reason for their attitude but I also cannot rule out homophobia and sexism. The social worker, Rachel, has gone out of her way to support James mum in this regardless of evidence to the contrary with total disregard for the welfare of James, all women together and all that. Enough of the negatives ... on the plus side, Disney was really most excellent. There was some arguments and heated disagreements but they were as nothing compared to the fun we had there. The 'Tower of Terror' is awesome. It's different to the one in Florida but just as good. Crus...

An update. I know, it's been an age since I wrote anything but that's just the way I have been feeling the past few weeks, not really in a sharing mood with my life. On the negative side, social services are still arse holes and seem to be going out of their way to be awkward. I cannot say for certain what their motivation for this is, I suspect one of two things or possibly both. Saving money could well be the primary reason for their attitude but I also cannot rule out homophobia and sexism. The social worker, Rachel, has gone out of her way to support James mum in this regardless of evidence to the contrary with total disregard for the welfare of James, all women together and all that. Enough of the negatives ... on the plus side, Disney was really most excellent. There was some arguments and heated disagreements but they were as nothing compared to the fun we had there. The 'Tower of Terror' is awesome. It's different to the one in Florida but just as good. Crus...

Going to mention all the wonderful things happening in my life at the moment but, not now. Yesterday I was told that someone, a lovely guy, died the other day. He was the partner of someone very dear to me. All of us here were shocked and saddened by the news

Going to mention all the wonderful things happening in my life at the moment but, not now. Yesterday I was told that someone, a lovely guy, died the other day. He was the partner of someone very dear to me. All of us here were shocked and saddened by the news

At the moment that is. What I would really like is for this to be my last blog entry for November

At the moment that is. What I would really like is for this to be my last blog entry for November

OK, the 'blimey' comes later ... Today has been mostly spent with Robin finally getting around to fitting shelves up in his cupboard. I chose the design last week but today has been the first time to actually put it up. Matt & James worked brilliantly together and done a brilliant job, I have been very proud of the two of them. I am also dead pleased at how well they get on. It's hard to believe James has not been part of this family for years and it is a credit to both of them that they have adapted to the change. Now, to the main event ... Deej was about to make a cup of tea for himself. I was in the office, James was upstairs and the girls in bed. We heard an almighty scream with crashes and bangs. The kitchen cabinet had come off the wall hitting Deej on the head and was hanging by one screw only. Bits and pieces were all over the place. Thankfully the cut on his head was just minor and was soon treated by the in house nurse (that'll be me). The wall is a right ...

OK, the 'blimey' comes later ... Today has been mostly spent with Robin finally getting around to fitting shelves up in his cupboard. I chose the design last week but today has been the first time to actually put it up. Matt & James worked brilliantly together and done a brilliant job, I have been very proud of the two of them. I am also dead pleased at how well they get on. It's hard to believe James has not been part of this family for years and it is a credit to both of them that they have adapted to the change. Now, to the main event ... Deej was about to make a cup of tea for himself. I was in the office, James was upstairs and the girls in bed. We heard an almighty scream with crashes and bangs. The kitchen cabinet had come off the wall hitting Deej on the head and was hanging by one screw only. Bits and pieces were all over the place. Thankfully the cut on his head was just minor and was soon treated by the in house nurse (that'll be me). The wall is a right ...

That's right, social services don't have to pay me anything to look after James because it was all my fault that I collected and brought him here, nothing to do with them. So, until such time as we become 'OK' when the CRB checks are back, they won't pay more than £15 each week. When the CRB checks come back, they will look at the options we have suggested to them but not until then. We should not need anything to take James to France as far as I can gather. Because he is 16 he doesn't need permission to leave the UK and travel. The nominated person from social services also lied to me. I asked clearly how much for the furniture and she eventually, after a long time, said her boss said £200. Now she is claiming she never said that. This despite that her boss also told me himself he said £200 last week. She is saying that she told James and I that they would be paying £200 for the furniture and the TV. To make matters worse and where I so think they are incorrect...

That's right, social services don't have to pay me anything to look after James because it was all my fault that I collected and brought him here, nothing to do with them. So, until such time as we become 'OK' when the CRB checks are back, they won't pay more than £15 each week. When the CRB checks come back, they will look at the options we have suggested to them but not until then. We should not need anything to take James to France as far as I can gather. Because he is 16 he doesn't need permission to leave the UK and travel. The nominated person from social services also lied to me. I asked clearly how much for the furniture and she eventually, after a long time, said her boss said £200. Now she is claiming she never said that. This despite that her boss also told me himself he said £200 last week. She is saying that she told James and I that they would be paying £200 for the furniture and the TV. To make matters worse and where I so think they are incorrect...

... a little better Many of the problems have not gone away but I am now in a 'what the hell' mood. For the first time in several years I am debt free. I have this car of course but, that aside, I don't have any huge great debts. Just as long as things remain as they are I am actually better off each week than I was a month ago. We are really looking forward to Disney, it promises to be really great if the weather doesn't let us down (and it might). Just fingers cross, no rain. Of course, I used to know someone who would reasonably reliably be able to tell me what we are likely to expect but hey ho. Work tomorrow. Not sure if they got the hint to make sure I am employed. I hope so because when I am working I enjoy it but just sitting around looking for work has never ever appealed to me my entire life. I need to be kept active else it defeats the object. Posted a letter direct to Atari in France earlier ... just wondering if they would be so 'bull in a china shop...

... a little better Many of the problems have not gone away but I am now in a 'what the hell' mood. For the first time in several years I am debt free. I have this car of course but, that aside, I don't have any huge great debts. Just as long as things remain as they are I am actually better off each week than I was a month ago. We are really looking forward to Disney, it promises to be really great if the weather doesn't let us down (and it might). Just fingers cross, no rain. Of course, I used to know someone who would reasonably reliably be able to tell me what we are likely to expect but hey ho. Work tomorrow. Not sure if they got the hint to make sure I am employed. I hope so because when I am working I enjoy it but just sitting around looking for work has never ever appealed to me my entire life. I need to be kept active else it defeats the object. Posted a letter direct to Atari in France earlier ... just wondering if they would be so 'bull in a china shop...

I was wondering earlier how best to describe things and this is the analogy I came up with: ... it's a little like the family car. It's vital, it is appreciated and quite possibly admired. The merits of it will be shared and spoken about but, bottom line is, when not required it is in the driveway, alone. No one feels the need to boost the ego or moral of the car because there is no need, it functions. Only when it splutters does someone think it may need some attention and then, quite possibly, it is discarded for a model creating fewer demands upon them.

I was wondering earlier how best to describe things and this is the analogy I came up with: ... it's a little like the family car. It's vital, it is appreciated and quite possibly admired. The merits of it will be shared and spoken about but, bottom line is, when not required it is in the driveway, alone. No one feels the need to boost the ego or moral of the car because there is no need, it functions. Only when it splutters does someone think it may need some attention and then, quite possibly, it is discarded for a model creating fewer demands upon them.

If I was as good as I sometimes think I am at psychology then I would understand why it is that for many weeks I have felt the way that I do but I am not as good as I'd like to be so I just don't understand this. The facts, as I know them are this: Clearly I am loved and admired by many Many depend on me for their happiness, their well-being and financial security I work really hard I push my self to my limits and go out of my way to do the right thing Knowing those things doesn't change the fact that I feel so incredibly lonely. I don't ever feel as though anyone thinks more than in momentary passing what it is that Steve needs in life. Anyone who seems to make the effort generally seem to have their own motivation & satisfaction at heart. This makes me feel like a non person. Like 'that' I exist is important but 'who I am' simply isn't. When it comes to being looked after and nurtured I am bottom of the list, at the back of the queue. Those aro...

If I was as good as I sometimes think I am at psychology then I would understand why it is that for many weeks I have felt the way that I do but I am not as good as I'd like to be so I just don't understand this. The facts, as I know them are this: Clearly I am loved and admired by many Many depend on me for their happiness, their well-being and financial security I work really hard I push my self to my limits and go out of my way to do the right thing Knowing those things doesn't change the fact that I feel so incredibly lonely. I don't ever feel as though anyone thinks more than in momentary passing what it is that Steve needs in life. Anyone who seems to make the effort generally seem to have their own motivation & satisfaction at heart. This makes me feel like a non person. Like 'that' I exist is important but 'who I am' simply isn't. When it comes to being looked after and nurtured I am bottom of the list, at the back of the queue. Those aro...

It would be really cool if I could get rid of this headache. I didn't have one when I got up this morning, I actually felt quite good. My plan for the day was that Social Services were to come here at 11, return James things to him and sort out the CRB checks. By midday there was no sign of them. After a few phone calls it seems that the CRB forms are still not available, no one has thought to chase these things up after two weeks! James stuff was also delayed. I had thought that, after getting the social services things sorted we could go out for the day to MK or similar but, circumstances took over and that now isn't happening. Had a good moan at social services for the inefficiency but also because they were witholding money which I needed to give james a viable bedroom. I am hoping they will get their act together by tomorrow. There are also several other complications which p*** me off more so that I am not mentioning here about the situation and getting it workable. After...

It would be really cool if I could get rid of this headache. I didn't have one when I got up this morning, I actually felt quite good. My plan for the day was that Social Services were to come here at 11, return James things to him and sort out the CRB checks. By midday there was no sign of them. After a few phone calls it seems that the CRB forms are still not available, no one has thought to chase these things up after two weeks! James stuff was also delayed. I had thought that, after getting the social services things sorted we could go out for the day to MK or similar but, circumstances took over and that now isn't happening. Had a good moan at social services for the inefficiency but also because they were witholding money which I needed to give james a viable bedroom. I am hoping they will get their act together by tomorrow. There are also several other complications which p*** me off more so that I am not mentioning here about the situation and getting it workable. After...