Steve from England

Today was like I was a basket ball dropped from a very tall damn. Started off briefly on a high then dropped to the bottom, bounced back up again, to the bottom, back up and so on eventually settling into a quiet calm. Some parts of today have been absolute hell, others, very emotional and uplifting. I only exchanged a few words with Dennis, he has a bad head and needed his bed, I wish I’d been there to sooth him though, if it was anything like the headaches I get, he’s have politely told me to go elsewhere! Caroline did an absolutely awesome job with a great massage and reiki but more so with her understanding and friendship. Robin gave me the left overs of his dinner which I had all on it’s on for my supper and it was gorgeous. House peaceful though, I don’t much like empty. Watched an episode of Break Bad, not many to go now, 8 I think. I went to the pharmacy earlier and picked up some sleeping tablets … to help me sleep. This weekend I am taking a break from dealing with any...

The Care Manager for Zoey (social worker) decided Thursday morning that there was no reason to have a discussion about discharge as she had barely started her safeguarding investigation. Though they try to deny it, this is effectively ‘them’ saying that they believe ‘we’ did something to harm Zoey and that’s why she ended up in hospital. This is one of the most horrible things I have ever had to experience. I am trying really hard but I cannot see any good in what they are doing, it’s vindictive, it’s nasty and it is plain wrong! Each day they seem to twist the knife in me more. I am fighting for what I know is right for my daughter and I am being made to feel like some sort of sordid criminal. This should be one of the happiest most positive times of my life yet I feel so horribly low. No organisation or individual should have the power to do this to others, it is one of the worst cases of abuse of authority and it’s happening to us. Just about the worst part is, none of them are...

The Government are totally right on one thing, earning boosts the economy, on this basic fact there can be no dispute. Getting folk off benefits, including tax credits, and self sufficient in employment has to be the way to go but, he has it wrong, terribly wrong, damaging to the country wrong on the level of income people need to really make this a healthy top to bottom country. The notion they have of making the rich richer and expecting it to filter down requires a mindset amongst the wealthy which simply doesn't exist. What is required is to make those at the bottom wealthier, not rich but they must have expendable income. Look, it's obvious, anyone can understand it, except the government it seems, it's economics. If you pay Joe Public minimum wage, even a living wage and it just about covers his living needs so, his everyday costs such as utilities, rent/mortgage, TV and so on then he is no longer a burden on the country but then, he is also not a financial contributo...

Firstly, we are relying on those letters from you dear friends and family. We need to disprove what didn’t happen. There is an assumption floating around that Zoey wasn’t care for very well at home which was behind her presentation at the hospital and possibly her UTI. They are trying to play down any thought that it might be an accusation but, at the same time they do describe it is a fact finding mission to make sure that the environment and care at home is suitable for Zoey. Now, to me that’s clearly saying they don’t believe the care she was getting was good enough but apparently they feel the two things are not the same. This is why we need your input to tell them very politely, with great respect and understanding, what you think of our ability care for Zoey, whether she seemed happy at home or not. I am not going to tell you what to say, I want this to be your own words. Obviously if I thought you were going to write something negative I’d not be asking but, you must decide wh...

The hospital said no … actually, one consultant said no, one who has barely met her at all who is going on advice from what he has read of what she was like at her worst when she was admitted. I can report that Zoey herself now seems to be 100% back to being Zoey. That said, she is deeply unhappy because she cannot understand why they won’t let her go home. The consultant is taking her unhappiness as a sign of depression and wants to persist with medication for depression! So, try and solve her unhappiness there by medicating so she what? Gets used to it there and just accepts it? I don’t think so, you aint experimenting on my daughter mate! There is a lot more I could write but I suspect a clearer picture will emerge tomorrow so I shall wait until then. Keep sending those letters in if you feel inclined, they need to know at the hospital that we are a strong and loving family and that there is no evidence at all for any question mark over her safety at home.

For over 5 months now, me and Dennis have spoken every day. I don’t think we’ve missed a day yet. Sometimes we don’t manage our several hour long sessions on Skype, occasionally it’s just a quick Viber conversation or text chat but we always communicate somehow. True, some of those times are like hospital visits, neither of us quite knowing what to say, that’s the problem with the distance, those are the time when we both really just want to hug but, how does that communicate over technology? Of course, I’ve totally no idea what Dennis sees in me. I’m stressed more often than not, I rearrange our slots online, cut them short, invite the family along, take him someone else for the chat. I’ve ballooned, I think, since he first saw me. When I get stressed, I eat and, when I eat I get bigger ‘almost’ everywhere! But, I do love him, there is something special about Dennis. Beyond his good looks and his amazing smile he is just this amazing person with a great sense of humour, some hones...

I feel guilty because I didn’t get to see Zoey today. It must be so scary for her and difficult to trust anyone. We’ve all but told her she’ll be coming home yet no one visited today. Of course, had we gone we’d still have had to leave her there and perhaps that might have been worse than not going at all, who knows? Today I’ve been getting some help from a friend to put a stronger case for Zoey’s release should they deny her the right to come home by Monday. I knew most of it but, even so, having someone else write it all up and to act as a sounding board and come up with the same conclusions as me is comforting. Today I passed on visiting the hospital as I’d not have been strong enough to cope if Zoey got upset. Yes, that’s selfish, I know this but I don’t want her to feel my nervousness as to whether she is coming home or not. Yesterday we all managed to be so positive and that’s how I want her to carry on feeling. It feels like I am not likely to get completely over the bug I ha...

Meeting with the social worker today. There is stuff which is in the background it’s not appropriate to talk about in a public forum so, ask if you see me perhaps. Suffice to say, it might not have been so pleasant for the social worker to take the line she did earlier when up against 3 Williams! We finally ran out of patience with all the estimates running into months of how much longer she would spend in hospital and I today gave a notice of intent to discharge her. They have until just after midday on Monday to respond. My guess is, if they have any common sense left, they will approve the discharge, if they don’t then I take it to tribunal. We need to keep Zoey safe and we can’t protect her whilst she is in a place for people with mental illness which she clearly does not have. Zoey sobbed her eyes out earlier saying she wants to come home, she is coming home ASAP!

URGENT - Our family and Zoey needs your help It seems that we as a family are being blamed for causing her current condition. In a recent report with regard safeguarding it states that: "Zoey was admitted to NGH in crisis –the risks of returning home are currently yet to be understood." It makes it clear elsewhere they consider there is a question mark as to her safety at home. Each professional involved with Zoey at every opportunity asks over and over what it was which triggered her situation at home. They are talking about potentially months of keeping Zoey at Berrywood whilst they investigate this. In my opinion, they know she shouldn't be in an Acute Mental Health hospital but don't want to admit their mistake. They want to justify their decision by claiming it is for safeguarding reasons. What do I need you to do? I need only those who know how much we cared for Zoey here, who know us as a family and who know how loving and caring we are to write to Berrywo...

Why do Doctors and managers and hospitals worry more about covering their own backsides than they do about their patients? Hell no, let’s go back a bit … I’ve been trying to speak to the consultant treating Zoey for weeks. I make an appointment and he doesn’t show up. Today I finally get a meeting where he and I can talk so I expect it is me and he sitting down in a room and having a chat. Clearly I forgot how these things work. There was him, his trainee, the ward manager, the LD coordinator and me in a conference room. Do you know, as a Carer how you feel like there is them and then you? Well, no, of course you don’t unless you’ve been there but that’s how it was. No one was in my corner and, by ‘MY’ corner I mean Zoey’s. The overwhelming feeling seems to be that clearly we were the cause of this problem, something must have happened at home. That if we were able to cope then she wouldn’t have been sent to hospital. I obviously, well, obvious to me, pointed out that we’d managed to...

I think the visits with Zoey are getting better. I am quite certain her remaining in hospital is a mistake. It’s a mistake which is going to see her degenerate loads if we’re not careful. She’s seeing too many things she shouldn’t see, picking up too many behaviours from other patients that she doesn’t understand. As far as I can see, there are totally no mental health issues with Zoey at all now and it amazes me that the consultant on the ward has not picked up on this already. Those nurses who deal with her on a regular basis know it already so, why is she still on a section 3? I am seeing the consultant tomorrow, if he turns up. This will be the third arranged meeting and the man has failed to attend the first two. I’ve put in an official complaint highlighting my concerns to the Care Quality Commission who oversee such places. I don’t expect them to have acted before Zoey is released. I used the word ‘released’ as opposed to ‘discharged’ because that is the nature of a section...

I spoke to the people at NHS Commissioning who had an all day meeting on October 14 with us and various others. She was meant to call me back with the conclusion late on 14th or early on 15th. No great surprise that she did neither. Eventually I called them and discussed the issue. I discovered that Zoey has a named Social Worker who was meant to turn up on 14th and didn’t because Social Services decided that Zoey’s urgent case should be allocated to a social worker who was on annual leave until next week! Next I called the hospital to complain, spoke to the deputy manager and he has agreed to arrange a meeting for me to talk to the consultant on Monday. This consultant has, apparently, said many times his need to meet with the family which is strange as I’d arranged two previous meetings with the man and he didn’t show up. I’ve also put in a complaint about the lack of care at Berrywood Hospital to the Care Qualities Commission. I should imagine that won’t go any further than filin...

For me, immigration is not the issue top of my agenda other than how difficult it has become to genuinely get the person you love into this country. I guess that's the opposite of what the Tories are about though. If the people of this country have any issue with immigration at all it has nothing to do with the individuals settling here from other countries or even coming here to work, send money home and then eventually return to their European nation. No, what people get really angry about is foreign nationals doing what the British did to other countries for years. They come here, they can't be bothered to use our language, have no interest in our laws and customs, challenge our values and faith and rather than do what their country of origin would do and give them an official slap, we try and change the our country to accommodate them. Being in the UK is a privilege, no one should have the right to come here and complain about how we do things any more than idiotic Brita...

Yesterday was difficult for me. It was mum’s birthday, she’s have been 82 but she died 29 years ago at 52, that’s younger than I am now and shows, we never do know how long we have with someone. When someone dies we never really do get over it, we just learn to live with our new reality. We often ask ourselves what life would have been like if they were still here. I know for me, with mum, I felt she never really met me. Not the real me that I am today. She only knew this scared screwed up version of me, the one who only ever did what he thought he was meant to do and had no idea I could do what I wanted to do. Her reaction might have been totally negative but, I’d have liked to know. Not many people who know me now knew mum and they may think to themselves, it’s 29 years, get over it. But, mum didn’t know my children or my grandchildren either. All the pleasures I have enjoyed she missed out on. She knew Jermaine was on his way but that’s as close as she got. On another note, earli...

I am quite convinced now that we’ve turned the corner with Zoey. I am going on my gut here but I feel she’s not going to revert back to how she was once she’s home. Speaking of home, I don’t think it will be long. I shall know more tomorrow possibly but all of us now feel that keeping her there does more harm than good. It’s also apparent that some of the patients there are not the sort of people Zoey should be mixing with at all. We were sat in a meeting earlier when this very well dressed lady came in the room and sat down. Long story short, turns out she’s a patient. She was adamant she was not leaving. We eventually had to leave the room ourselves whilst the heavy mob dealt with her kicking and screaming. It was quite scary and intimidating how cold this woman was. She looked like someone who would think nothing of shooting everyone in the room given the chance. Anyway, we need to wait see what is going to happen but I feel optimism is appropriate. Don’t get carried away, I als...

It seems fairly obvious to me after visiting this morning that Zoey doesn’t want to be told what to do. She’s an adult and, let’s face it, who really wants to be told what to do all the time? A LD nurse was trying to get her to use a speaking mat to communicate. She is missing the point, it’s not just that Zoey doesn’t want to talk it is that she doesn’t want to interact at all. So, it’s not that she doesn’t have the ability to communicate, she doesn’t have the desire to. I am not at all sure she will talk when she comes home either, whenever that might be. The worrying thing is, the Zoey which is emerging may not be one who would fit in with a family environment any longer. In a place of her own, if she chooses not to do things like washing or communicating at all then it isn’t an issue, she doesn’t have to much like where Jermaine is. There is no point pushing him to achieve anything as it isn’t going to happen. Zoey is now like that. To get her to do the basic is still taking a f...

Another good visit with Zoey earlier. Took her iPod into her, had to lend her my skull candy headphones. Also I drove to Milton Keynes and collected an IKEA catalogue for her to look at. She got even happier when Dennis came online. It’s annoying that it’s near impossible to use Skype video on a phone but, better than nothing. With the continence we’re having maybe one accident a day now and Zoey is making an effort to get to the toilet but not quite getting there, I think she’s still feeling the after effects of the UTI she had. She’s still not talking but I think that will change when she leaves. Cleanliness is still a slight issue but she’s getting there. What worries us is that they are still referring to her being there in months time. We’re thinking more a week or so. The reality is, the issues she went into hospital with are now resolved. We need tweaks on the hygiene and continence but I am still quietly optimistic about those happening soon. But, will they recognise where ...

Look, I don’t want to be overly optimistic here so let’s be cautiously optimistic. I had a really good visit with Zoey last night, a real turning point I thought. We had some serious interaction and for the first time she said she wanted to come home. She didn’t just say it she really said it then hugged me sobbing for around 10 minutes. There was a worrying aspect to the visit though. Zoey isn’t really talking except when she gets really emotional. I felt she wanted to talk but that she was stopping herself. Rather than tell or ask her to speak I did a series of questions with nod or shake head answers. I am going to simplify what went on for about 15 minutes. In a nutshell she was scared and said that someone there has told her she isn’t allowed to talk. I was getting to the who when she couldn’t answer any more and got very upset. She certainly gave me the impression she was scared. Obviously that’s worrying and I did report it to a staff member. I intend to do so again to a high...

Nothing has really changed. Ironically, the two things we’re waiting to get resolved are both things which were not an issue when she went into hospital! Legally she’s on a Section 3, for those who don’t know, this means that until such time as she has improved she is imprisoned for her own good for 6 months and then indefinitely subject to reviews. It’s not a nice thought but it is the reality. If she gets better then she can be sent home. Right now I just don’t know ‘if’ she will get better. They know she needs speech therapy and continence advice, there is a significant waiting list for both. So, in the meantime, they’re just hoping the situation sorts itself out as they are not really doing anything except babysitting from what I’ve seen. Social Services have apparently allocated her a new key worker to assess her needs and place together a revised home package, they have so far not managed to contact me with this information though.

I’ve effectively been a single parent now for 16 years. I’ve had partners in that time but, rest assured, the responsibility and emotions remained mine. Raising kids is always tough, fun and rewarding but not easy. I feel like I made a lot of mistakes, I mean, way too many I probably had no right to make. I took too many holidays without the children. I considered they were well looked after but, in hindsight, that probably wasn’t true. Whatever caused Jermaine’s issues, I don’t think I dealt with it well enough, I don’t think I got the balance right between his needs and the needs of the other kids. I decided way after the event that he needed to go into a care home and even then I went with the wrong care home and he had to wait months for me to get it right whilst being neglected and abused because of that in the meantime. Of course two of the kids would rebel, go off, make mistakes and, of course I was totally oblivious to it. I was so smug that I’d done a good job of raising ...

Me and Matt went up to see her. She’s still not talking. If she gets really angry she will no doubt say something but it’s obvious that in everyday interaction she is forcing herself not to talk. In every other way she is interacting. Body language and expression are there and she cannot hold on to her laughs. She’s reluctantly having her injections for the infection. She’s still not really cooperating with hygiene but it is being done. Food and drink seem to be OK and she has a good colour. For some reason she is still in pads and they tell us it will take a continence expert to make that change … I’d have thought removing the pads from her room and giving her knickers instead would be a quicker way but, what do I know apart from the fact that I already potty trained her once! So, apart from the not talking which I know really bugs Matt, she seems to be well on the mend. If it turns out the UTI was not the cause of all these problems though we have an issue. Even if we get her ...

Very brief this After numerous complaints, all upheld, a full time LD nurse has now been put in place. Zoey starts a course of antibiotics today. She is eating and drinking regularly and sleeping OK. She is also communicating a lot more. Had a slight strop earlier, she still argues she doesn’t want to get better or have anyone look after her but, well, let’s see how she is once the UTI is sorted. She will be on a Section 3 next week but staying where she is.

Not ‘Man Flu’ or any type of flu, just a cold but, all the same, rather annoying and unpleasant. I was woken up the other night with a nose bleed, hey, don’t jest, Attila the Hun had a nose bleed in his sleep and it killed him! Right now I am amazed at the production rate of unpleasant gunk in my head tubes, I am already on handkerchief number 3 of the day and it’s not 11am yet. My eyes, wow, stinging much! Aching? Yes, I’d say that’s sums up most of my body. Headache, yep, medication not touching that. Mega tired. I am out this evening so, need to get some more sleep. Appetite disappeared somewhere, not up for eating just yet. My farts really stink, it’s embarrassing! I am hot, and cold, and hot again. Can’t really hear much or smell and seeing is a little vague. So, like I said, a cold. Unpleasant, annoying but I am not dying, life goes on and in a few days it will be gone.