Steve from England

You Know a Lot About Blogging You got 5/8 correct! Your not a total blogging geek yet... give it time. How Much Do You Know About Blogging? This is all well and good but to prove it is also rubbish, I have no idea which 3 I got wrong!

You Know a Lot About Blogging You got 5/8 correct! Your not a total blogging geek yet... give it time. How Much Do You Know About Blogging? This is all well and good but to prove it is also rubbish, I have no idea which 3 I got wrong!

I am really very tired so just rattling this off before I go to bed. Earlier on today I went to Chalfont St Peter to visit Jermaine and also take the rest of his things down to him. The plan was also to have a meeting, a review for him at 3pm. To radically abbreviate, when I arrived they seemed to be cocking his insulin regime up, it’s not so much insulin management as crisis management. Moving him from a hypo to a hyper and then having to rectify it and they are doing this by altering meal times and giving snacks without also including an insulin dose. In short, cocking up! As a sub note, some of the Polish carers in there are just sexy as hell During the meeting later on in the day it was obvious that big fat Sonia was just avoiding answering questions over and over and not only me but also Lucy from the PCT and Steve, the social worker, were getting sick of it. One thing I got really annoyed about was how they spent £80 of Jermaine’s pocket money on new clothes when I had loads here...

I am really very tired so just rattling this off before I go to bed. Earlier on today I went to Chalfont St Peter to visit Jermaine and also take the rest of his things down to him. The plan was also to have a meeting, a review for him at 3pm. To radically abbreviate, when I arrived they seemed to be cocking his insulin regime up, it’s not so much insulin management as crisis management. Moving him from a hypo to a hyper and then having to rectify it and they are doing this by altering meal times and giving snacks without also including an insulin dose. In short, cocking up! As a sub note, some of the Polish carers in there are just sexy as hell During the meeting later on in the day it was obvious that big fat Sonia was just avoiding answering questions over and over and not only me but also Lucy from the PCT and Steve, the social worker, were getting sick of it. One thing I got really annoyed about was how they spent £80 of Jermaine’s pocket money on new clothes when I had loads here...

It could be argued that I have been ignoring my inner self and not writing this blog and that is a fair argument I am not going to make as I am already getting a little embarrassed that I am talking to myself again and in public no less. Since I met Dave, or Dave met me or we just bumped into each other I have been reasonably busy on the life experiences front. Thankfully this did not involve riding horses and certainly nothing to do with banana boats which I have never done and, for reasons that escape me right now, have no plans to do even if visions of a very sexy scar do come to mind … I digress (but hold that thought for just a while) ………… I have been car hunting. Found a nice one but it was really too expensive for me. I could afford to buy it but running it would have cost me more so I skipped that one. I have looked at yet more piles of cack and certainly skipped those. Today I struck lucky (I hope) and found a car I can live with and I don’t even have to downsize to save money...

It could be argued that I have been ignoring my inner self and not writing this blog and that is a fair argument I am not going to make as I am already getting a little embarrassed that I am talking to myself again and in public no less. Since I met Dave, or Dave met me or we just bumped into each other I have been reasonably busy on the life experiences front. Thankfully this did not involve riding horses and certainly nothing to do with banana boats which I have never done and, for reasons that escape me right now, have no plans to do even if visions of a very sexy scar do come to mind … I digress (but hold that thought for just a while) ………… I have been car hunting. Found a nice one but it was really too expensive for me. I could afford to buy it but running it would have cost me more so I skipped that one. I have looked at yet more piles of cack and certainly skipped those. Today I struck lucky (I hope) and found a car I can live with and I don’t even have to downsize to save money...

I had one weird dream last night, I blame my new trend of going to bed at a sensible time personally. Well, it would be ‘personally’ as I just said ‘I’ so that was just pointless, a total waste of words just like … well, like most of that first it was but I shall say no more about it … back to the dream: I was happily doing my dreamy thing, not really going anywhere, not doing much when I became aware of some guys talking to me, not British guys but American. They were asking me what was wrong, why I had stopped all of a sudden. Looking around me I didn’t recognise anyone so much as to name them but I did vaguely know where I was, again, not enough to name it but it was familiar. The guys were acting weird now like I was meant to know what I was doing, where I was going. All I could do was to think up some story “look man, I feel weird, I can’t think straight, walk me though this yeah?” Even odder, it didn’t sound like me, the dialect, the accent, was that me? We were entering some sor...

I had one weird dream last night, I blame my new trend of going to bed at a sensible time personally. Well, it would be ‘personally’ as I just said ‘I’ so that was just pointless, a total waste of words just like … well, like most of that first it was but I shall say no more about it … back to the dream: I was happily doing my dreamy thing, not really going anywhere, not doing much when I became aware of some guys talking to me, not British guys but American. They were asking me what was wrong, why I had stopped all of a sudden. Looking around me I didn’t recognise anyone so much as to name them but I did vaguely know where I was, again, not enough to name it but it was familiar. The guys were acting weird now like I was meant to know what I was doing, where I was going. All I could do was to think up some story “look man, I feel weird, I can’t think straight, walk me though this yeah?” Even odder, it didn’t sound like me, the dialect, the accent, was that me? We were entering some sor...

Using neighbours connection and trying not to take the piss with it so just a quickie to say I shall hopefully be back online as of Thursday ... what a flippin' relief! As a little warning, the next blog entry is a big one and one of my mini books. It is just really a story I wrote from a dream I had but I like it, you may too. (I am not nasty to anyone I know in it by the way!)

Using neighbours connection and trying not to take the piss with it so just a quickie to say I shall hopefully be back online as of Thursday ... what a flippin' relief! As a little warning, the next blog entry is a big one and one of my mini books. It is just really a story I wrote from a dream I had but I like it, you may too. (I am not nasty to anyone I know in it by the way!)

I am feeling a lot better than I have been, nearly back to normal now. Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks and that is the car I have. It’s lovely to look at, fun to drive and in amazing condition. Sadly though, I am not in amazing condition and I am finding it difficult to use the manual gear change in traffic. My gut reaction last year was to make sure I get an automatic and I should have stuck to that. It’s been a difficult decision but the reality is, my little Neon has to go. Added to the discomfort of driving it is the fact that it drinks fuel way too much and it needs a service every 6 months or 6000 miles which is way too soon, it just costs too much to run. I am also seriously questioning my decision to go with Demon; I guess I do still have the option to cancel. The thing is, I can go back with NTL and it will be a lot cheaper, it would also give me a good TV signal upstairs where currently I will be struggling with the freeview. Also, with Demon I am paying...

I am feeling a lot better than I have been, nearly back to normal now. Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks and that is the car I have. It’s lovely to look at, fun to drive and in amazing condition. Sadly though, I am not in amazing condition and I am finding it difficult to use the manual gear change in traffic. My gut reaction last year was to make sure I get an automatic and I should have stuck to that. It’s been a difficult decision but the reality is, my little Neon has to go. Added to the discomfort of driving it is the fact that it drinks fuel way too much and it needs a service every 6 months or 6000 miles which is way too soon, it just costs too much to run. I am also seriously questioning my decision to go with Demon; I guess I do still have the option to cancel. The thing is, I can go back with NTL and it will be a lot cheaper, it would also give me a good TV signal upstairs where currently I will be struggling with the freeview. Also, with Demon I am paying...

Yesterday I found out I couldn’t get an appointment to see the ENT consultant until the end of May. My reason for needing one is this growth on my vocal chords. Last time the consultant was concerned it may be malignant and wanted to do surgery and a biopsy right away. It turned out to be benign and everyone was happy. Well, there is no way of knowing the status of this one until it has a biopsy done. Chances are it is benign but no way of knowing. I spoke to the GP earlier on today and she said that in her opinion it would be benign so there is no hurry for an appointment. I asked her how she could be so sure and she said because it was last time it probably will be this time. I pulled her up on the word ‘probably’ and said that ‘probably’ is not the same as definitely, was she definite it would be benign and she said she couldn’t be because she was only a GP. Her guidelines said that a two week appointment would need me to have a hoarse voice and weight loss. I said that my voice had...

Yesterday I found out I couldn’t get an appointment to see the ENT consultant until the end of May. My reason for needing one is this growth on my vocal chords. Last time the consultant was concerned it may be malignant and wanted to do surgery and a biopsy right away. It turned out to be benign and everyone was happy. Well, there is no way of knowing the status of this one until it has a biopsy done. Chances are it is benign but no way of knowing. I spoke to the GP earlier on today and she said that in her opinion it would be benign so there is no hurry for an appointment. I asked her how she could be so sure and she said because it was last time it probably will be this time. I pulled her up on the word ‘probably’ and said that ‘probably’ is not the same as definitely, was she definite it would be benign and she said she couldn’t be because she was only a GP. Her guidelines said that a two week appointment would need me to have a hoarse voice and weight loss. I said that my voice had...

My friends have been amazing even though some of them must have been bloody fuming from my last entry; I guess I am really lucky to have all of them. With their support, some lasting sunshine and me kicking myself up the arse (not easy I can tell ya) I’ll get over this. I just hate it when depression drops on me and I have to try and deal with it, it’s just so difficult to fight with myself. I had a good lay in this morning and the sun is shining just now and I feel a lot better. I am not OK, I am aware of the risks of complacency but I do feel better. Just had a text from Jason, he’s in Thailand right now and he was saying how even over there guys were asking after Tony and were really shocked to find out he had died. It truly is amazing to have someone the other side of the planet remember a person but, with Tony, not a surprise, he touched the lives of so many.

My friends have been amazing even though some of them must have been bloody fuming from my last entry; I guess I am really lucky to have all of them. With their support, some lasting sunshine and me kicking myself up the arse (not easy I can tell ya) I’ll get over this. I just hate it when depression drops on me and I have to try and deal with it, it’s just so difficult to fight with myself. I had a good lay in this morning and the sun is shining just now and I feel a lot better. I am not OK, I am aware of the risks of complacency but I do feel better. Just had a text from Jason, he’s in Thailand right now and he was saying how even over there guys were asking after Tony and were really shocked to find out he had died. It truly is amazing to have someone the other side of the planet remember a person but, with Tony, not a surprise, he touched the lives of so many.

My general mood is wavering between mildly miserable to deeply depressed. I appreciate that my thoughts right now may not be entirely rational. The physical effects have been that I have found myself really lacking in concentration some of the time. That has meant that sometimes I come out with total nonsense because I just can’t get words out or, worse, I can’t think of what I want to say. At other times I am typing and just can’t get anything right, I have had to type some things letter by letter watching what I have been doing yet, at other times; I have been touch typing like I always did. I feel sorry for myself, I am feeling used, abused and disrespected. In no particular order … London to Bristol does not cost £10 in petrol, it is over 200 miles round trip and my car does, at best, 30mpg and with a gallon at something like £4 these days it would be at least £14 and that is working on the assumption that I get 30mpg and that is totally ignoring the cost of getting to London and b...

My general mood is wavering between mildly miserable to deeply depressed. I appreciate that my thoughts right now may not be entirely rational. The physical effects have been that I have found myself really lacking in concentration some of the time. That has meant that sometimes I come out with total nonsense because I just can’t get words out or, worse, I can’t think of what I want to say. At other times I am typing and just can’t get anything right, I have had to type some things letter by letter watching what I have been doing yet, at other times; I have been touch typing like I always did. I feel sorry for myself, I am feeling used, abused and disrespected. In no particular order … London to Bristol does not cost £10 in petrol, it is over 200 miles round trip and my car does, at best, 30mpg and with a gallon at something like £4 these days it would be at least £14 and that is working on the assumption that I get 30mpg and that is totally ignoring the cost of getting to London and b...

I am sat here waiting for UPS to turn up and collect my Ipaq, I may even get it repaired at some point, who knows? Actually, I have enclosed a letter explaining I want it replaced and not repaired, what’s the betting they’ll ignore it. Daisy dropped my laptop and has killed it. I was not happy with the laptop spec as it was but could not justify replacing it. I do need one though else I’d go mad so I went out and bought myself a new one with a Pentium M 760 2Ghz chip and 2 gig of RAM too. I reckon this one will keep me going for a while. Sure I was angry with Daisy but there is really very little I can do about it. I was also angry with Matt as he had a role to play in it too and it was really more luck than anything that it didn’t get busted after he used it as it was always left on the floor in the lounge afterwards. I have put aside any thought of going to Florida this year. I hope to get a costing from Robin at some point of what they would charge me for the house but I won’t be ma...

I am sat here waiting for UPS to turn up and collect my Ipaq, I may even get it repaired at some point, who knows? Actually, I have enclosed a letter explaining I want it replaced and not repaired, what’s the betting they’ll ignore it. Daisy dropped my laptop and has killed it. I was not happy with the laptop spec as it was but could not justify replacing it. I do need one though else I’d go mad so I went out and bought myself a new one with a Pentium M 760 2Ghz chip and 2 gig of RAM too. I reckon this one will keep me going for a while. Sure I was angry with Daisy but there is really very little I can do about it. I was also angry with Matt as he had a role to play in it too and it was really more luck than anything that it didn’t get busted after he used it as it was always left on the floor in the lounge afterwards. I have put aside any thought of going to Florida this year. I hope to get a costing from Robin at some point of what they would charge me for the house but I won’t be ma...

I was hoping that when Jermaine went residential that my life would change for the better, I would be able to relax and enjoy myself more but I should know better. It seems that I have to still be doing stuff, sorting things out, looking out for his welfare. I stupidly forgot to make a claim for him to get benefits in his own right when he was 19, that is over £500 I have lost. The advice I got regarding the DLA was also wrong. I was told that once he left I kept the payments for 12 weeks. When I say ‘I’ what is meant there is that I act for Jermaine so the money does come to me. The false information means a loss of a further £823. The Chalfont also got money out of me under what could be a false pretence and that is another £360. In all that means I have lost around £1700 that I thought I would have for this coming year plus being £200+ a week worse off now Jermaine is gone anyway it has made a huge difference to what I can do and how I do it. It is looking increasingly as though I w...

I was hoping that when Jermaine went residential that my life would change for the better, I would be able to relax and enjoy myself more but I should know better. It seems that I have to still be doing stuff, sorting things out, looking out for his welfare. I stupidly forgot to make a claim for him to get benefits in his own right when he was 19, that is over £500 I have lost. The advice I got regarding the DLA was also wrong. I was told that once he left I kept the payments for 12 weeks. When I say ‘I’ what is meant there is that I act for Jermaine so the money does come to me. The false information means a loss of a further £823. The Chalfont also got money out of me under what could be a false pretence and that is another £360. In all that means I have lost around £1700 that I thought I would have for this coming year plus being £200+ a week worse off now Jermaine is gone anyway it has made a huge difference to what I can do and how I do it. It is looking increasingly as though I w...

Isn’t that really what life is about? Once all the cynicisms are stripped away, all the mistrust, the doubt and the fear of what we don’t understand, the aim has to be for Unquestioning Love? Well, it is for me and I guess that is partly the theme of today when I had my first counselling session. It is not the first time I have heard someone say so but it is the first I have believed anyone. She told me I had done and am doing an amazing thing, that I am carrying a huge weight on my shoulders and carrying it comparatively alone. I chose to be a dad and remain a dad when most would have taken the easy option and lived the gay life leaving the mother to cope. I have given up a lot for that choice, my freedom, my ability to have true freedom, to love another, to be loved. She said I should be proud of me, hold my head up high and show myself off but, well, it is early days and I cannot see myself feeling that or doing that for some time to come if ever. Part of that is just because right ...

Isn’t that really what life is about? Once all the cynicisms are stripped away, all the mistrust, the doubt and the fear of what we don’t understand, the aim has to be for Unquestioning Love? Well, it is for me and I guess that is partly the theme of today when I had my first counselling session. It is not the first time I have heard someone say so but it is the first I have believed anyone. She told me I had done and am doing an amazing thing, that I am carrying a huge weight on my shoulders and carrying it comparatively alone. I chose to be a dad and remain a dad when most would have taken the easy option and lived the gay life leaving the mother to cope. I have given up a lot for that choice, my freedom, my ability to have true freedom, to love another, to be loved. She said I should be proud of me, hold my head up high and show myself off but, well, it is early days and I cannot see myself feeling that or doing that for some time to come if ever. Part of that is just because right ...

That has to be one of the crapiest experiences a person could have putting their child in a home. We had a long wait for the doctor sat next to the main callbox where some young girl was pouring her heart out to her mother about how upsetting it all was and how one of the other residents was upsetting her and it just went on. Eventually the doctor found time to see us yet we waited in his office for a good 10-15 minutes whilst he finished his chat with a friend, it certainly didn’t sound like a call he couldn’t have got out of. Next we started an hour or so of questioning, all the sorts of questions that they could have asked in advance, that I could have brought with me but I had to try and remember loads of really vitally important stuff from memory. When did Jermaine get diagnosed with diabetes? When did seizures start? When did the seizures stop relating to the diabetes? What medication was he first given for epilepsy and then which one after that and what was the reaction of each?...

That has to be one of the crapiest experiences a person could have putting their child in a home. We had a long wait for the doctor sat next to the main callbox where some young girl was pouring her heart out to her mother about how upsetting it all was and how one of the other residents was upsetting her and it just went on. Eventually the doctor found time to see us yet we waited in his office for a good 10-15 minutes whilst he finished his chat with a friend, it certainly didn’t sound like a call he couldn’t have got out of. Next we started an hour or so of questioning, all the sorts of questions that they could have asked in advance, that I could have brought with me but I had to try and remember loads of really vitally important stuff from memory. When did Jermaine get diagnosed with diabetes? When did seizures start? When did the seizures stop relating to the diabetes? What medication was he first given for epilepsy and then which one after that and what was the reaction of each?...