Steve from England

Spent most of today with Sue going over what we should send to those concerned by way of a complaint, I think I got it all sorted but it took a lot of searching through my not quite as clever as I thought filing system. Jermaine was scheduled to go to respite today but at 15:30 a taxi turned up, no escort, just a taxi. Heaven only knows what social services were thinking, whether he was meant to go on his own with a label around his neck? Thankfully one of the carers were here and volunteered to go along which is the only reason he isn’t here now. For some reason, I am feeling bad about not making a bigger effort for the trick or treaters of the area, I am getting quite into this event now annoyingly!

Spent most of today with Sue going over what we should send to those concerned by way of a complaint, I think I got it all sorted but it took a lot of searching through my not quite as clever as I thought filing system. Jermaine was scheduled to go to respite today but at 15:30 a taxi turned up, no escort, just a taxi. Heaven only knows what social services were thinking, whether he was meant to go on his own with a label around his neck? Thankfully one of the carers were here and volunteered to go along which is the only reason he isn’t here now. For some reason, I am feeling bad about not making a bigger effort for the trick or treaters of the area, I am getting quite into this event now annoyingly!

I should not, I really shouldn't but, well, they are there and I am here and well, it's a waste not to eat them .... WOW, Chocolate, yummy!

I should not, I really shouldn't but, well, they are there and I am here and well, it's a waste not to eat them .... WOW, Chocolate, yummy!

I had to get up reasonably early to sort Jermaine out but boy did I ache after yesterday! Fortunately Jermaine was not uncooperative but he had made rather a mess of his bedroom to which I thought to myself, to hell with it, let the carers sort that out! Oh and yes, they are still annoying me like crazy. I just wish I could think of an easy resolution. Since they started the sofa has gone from barely salvageable to, boy, I don’t want to sit in that piss ridden thing anymore! It has crossed my mind that if the thing is ruined that we just as well put the smaller of the two in Jermaine’s room and a TV and make them sit up there all day. They do have everything they need on site; I could make a self contained flat of the room by removing excess furniture out of there. All I really need is the money guaranteed to write off that suite from social services and I cannot see that happening any time soon. Had an amazingly brilliant time with John and Steve earlier, I mean, way better than I cou...

I had to get up reasonably early to sort Jermaine out but boy did I ache after yesterday! Fortunately Jermaine was not uncooperative but he had made rather a mess of his bedroom to which I thought to myself, to hell with it, let the carers sort that out! Oh and yes, they are still annoying me like crazy. I just wish I could think of an easy resolution. Since they started the sofa has gone from barely salvageable to, boy, I don’t want to sit in that piss ridden thing anymore! It has crossed my mind that if the thing is ruined that we just as well put the smaller of the two in Jermaine’s room and a TV and make them sit up there all day. They do have everything they need on site; I could make a self contained flat of the room by removing excess furniture out of there. All I really need is the money guaranteed to write off that suite from social services and I cannot see that happening any time soon. Had an amazingly brilliant time with John and Steve earlier, I mean, way better than I cou...

Yesterday I went to see a show in the evening with Robin, can’t recall the name but it was terribly funny if not for the reasons the author intended. Partly it was the way the cast kept forgetting their lines but mainly it was because one of the main parts was played by a very camp as tits guy trying to play a gay man who was, alleged at a few points during the play to be gay, it really was so amusing. Today I did the much promised thing of getting the kids (and myself) ice skating in Milton Keynes, we picked James up too and he went along with us. It was great fun but I have to confess, I am so out of shape, the pain was really stopping me doing what I wanted to do, at times I was just exhausted! On the plus side, James was having trouble keeping up too and he is quite a bit younger than me! From there it was a dash home again and out to have an Indian Meal with friends and mainly to say farewell to Danny who flies back home next week, it’s really sad to see him going but there really...

Yesterday I went to see a show in the evening with Robin, can’t recall the name but it was terribly funny if not for the reasons the author intended. Partly it was the way the cast kept forgetting their lines but mainly it was because one of the main parts was played by a very camp as tits guy trying to play a gay man who was, alleged at a few points during the play to be gay, it really was so amusing. Today I did the much promised thing of getting the kids (and myself) ice skating in Milton Keynes, we picked James up too and he went along with us. It was great fun but I have to confess, I am so out of shape, the pain was really stopping me doing what I wanted to do, at times I was just exhausted! On the plus side, James was having trouble keeping up too and he is quite a bit younger than me! From there it was a dash home again and out to have an Indian Meal with friends and mainly to say farewell to Danny who flies back home next week, it’s really sad to see him going but there really...

The carers started on Monday but arrived half an hour late. They got lost but didn’t think to call as they knew they were in the right area! They did stay a little later to make up the time. Speaking of the carers, they are driving us mad because they take over. They have Jermaine sitting in the lounge and they sit with him dominating the TV and the main family room so that everyone else feels awkward in there. If we hang around the house we are asked loads of questions, they want to be part of everything that happens here and we just can’t do what we normally would do and it is driving us a bit nuts. Yesterday I popped over to Robin’s for a while, had a look at his PC and no doubt managed to progress it no further in the direction of righteousness but instead it will probably play up again straight away. It is also possible that Zoey could be allergic to dogs. She was fine before we arrived yet on the way home she appeared to have an awful cold which has gone today ... shall have to t...

The carers started on Monday but arrived half an hour late. They got lost but didn’t think to call as they knew they were in the right area! They did stay a little later to make up the time. Speaking of the carers, they are driving us mad because they take over. They have Jermaine sitting in the lounge and they sit with him dominating the TV and the main family room so that everyone else feels awkward in there. If we hang around the house we are asked loads of questions, they want to be part of everything that happens here and we just can’t do what we normally would do and it is driving us a bit nuts. Yesterday I popped over to Robin’s for a while, had a look at his PC and no doubt managed to progress it no further in the direction of righteousness but instead it will probably play up again straight away. It is also possible that Zoey could be allergic to dogs. She was fine before we arrived yet on the way home she appeared to have an awful cold which has gone today ... shall have to t...

Monday has started as I am sure it will go on with Jermaine being impossible. Each time we have had to change his nappy he has been really violent and difficult. We eventually managed but it takes a toll each time. The nappies are getting played around with too so they are not catching everything and again we have a wet sofa. That will have to be dumped when Jermaine eventually moves out. We are hoping the carers turn up on time today and don’t take too long to work out what they are doing; we really could do with a break. You may not know how much Jermaine has changed in the past few years so below are some pictures of him. One is taken today and the other nearly 6 years ago when he was 12 going on 13. To us, we don’t have Jermaine anymore, what we have is this violent, unpleasant body to work with daily, he gains nothing and neither do we from the experience.

Monday has started as I am sure it will go on with Jermaine being impossible. Each time we have had to change his nappy he has been really violent and difficult. We eventually managed but it takes a toll each time. The nappies are getting played around with too so they are not catching everything and again we have a wet sofa. That will have to be dumped when Jermaine eventually moves out. We are hoping the carers turn up on time today and don’t take too long to work out what they are doing; we really could do with a break. You may not know how much Jermaine has changed in the past few years so below are some pictures of him. One is taken today and the other nearly 6 years ago when he was 12 going on 13. To us, we don’t have Jermaine anymore, what we have is this violent, unpleasant body to work with daily, he gains nothing and neither do we from the experience.

I had a lay in this morning which was wonderful; my Daisy (12) woke me up as she really just wanted a little attention. When I got downstairs, Matt and Johnny were playing on the Xbox, having fun and Jermaine was sitting on the sofa. On closer inspection that was not quite right … in fact, most of the sofa wasn’t there, it was laying on its side on the floor because Jermaine had wet it (again). He had wet his bed too; he had shit on his bed whilst we are at it. The shit had got on Matt’s trousers and his socks and generally he had pissed every place he had been so the bedroom, the hallway and the lounge carpets call got sprayed. Now, he was sitting on what was left of the sofa, the only remaining cushion and he had half removed his nappy so he could potentially wee anywhere he wanted again. Matt tried to change him but Jermaine was just thumping him so I took over. I talked very calmly to him for half an hour and took him into the kitchen and closed the doors working on the basis that ...

I had a lay in this morning which was wonderful; my Daisy (12) woke me up as she really just wanted a little attention. When I got downstairs, Matt and Johnny were playing on the Xbox, having fun and Jermaine was sitting on the sofa. On closer inspection that was not quite right … in fact, most of the sofa wasn’t there, it was laying on its side on the floor because Jermaine had wet it (again). He had wet his bed too; he had shit on his bed whilst we are at it. The shit had got on Matt’s trousers and his socks and generally he had pissed every place he had been so the bedroom, the hallway and the lounge carpets call got sprayed. Now, he was sitting on what was left of the sofa, the only remaining cushion and he had half removed his nappy so he could potentially wee anywhere he wanted again. Matt tried to change him but Jermaine was just thumping him so I took over. I talked very calmly to him for half an hour and took him into the kitchen and closed the doors working on the basis that ...

Had a friend over earlier, someone that has one hell of a journey to get here and I really appreciate his visits. He also has really good taste in cars! (We both have the same car) It’s really good to be able to sit down and chat to someone, I mean, someone that is on the same level, someone I feel understands me and I think I can empathise with him too. Went for a meal at Brampton Halt, it’s always good in there and this time I discovered for the first time that they have a no smoking area so that as even better. Not sure if you have been there? It’s just outside Chapel Brampton in Northants between the A 5199 and the A 508 and right on the railway line to Lamport where steam trains still run. It’s a lovely little pub and well worth a visit, I can even allow them the occasional sport they have on the new plasma TV they have though it does seem strangely out of place in there. Meals range from £7 – 15 for a main course with a limited but adequate selection of meals. Visited the Boston ...

Had a friend over earlier, someone that has one hell of a journey to get here and I really appreciate his visits. He also has really good taste in cars! (We both have the same car) It’s really good to be able to sit down and chat to someone, I mean, someone that is on the same level, someone I feel understands me and I think I can empathise with him too. Went for a meal at Brampton Halt, it’s always good in there and this time I discovered for the first time that they have a no smoking area so that as even better. Not sure if you have been there? It’s just outside Chapel Brampton in Northants between the A 5199 and the A 508 and right on the railway line to Lamport where steam trains still run. It’s a lovely little pub and well worth a visit, I can even allow them the occasional sport they have on the new plasma TV they have though it does seem strangely out of place in there. Meals range from £7 – 15 for a main course with a limited but adequate selection of meals. Visited the Boston ...

Spoke to The Care Agency providing support with Jermaine yesterday in a rather long meeting here. On Monday there was a meeting here between myself, the care manager J Heep and the equivalent from Health L Bullen. We discussed loads but primarily it was to talk about the carers assessments that they had never looked at which Matt and I produced back in July. One of the interesting little details to come out of that was when both of the assessments stated that we were really concerned that nothing was in place for emergencies, a prophecy we had hoped would never come true but did on Black Friday. Part of those assessments included a care package we needed in the home to help us with Jermaine. It included a couple of hours each morning (vital to prevent another Black Friday) and some time in the evenings and weekends with a lot more during holiday periods. Well, the agency was told 3:45 - 7:00pm only. I have given them the details of the other times we mentioned and they said they can ...

Spoke to The Care Agency providing support with Jermaine yesterday in a rather long meeting here. On Monday there was a meeting here between myself, the care manager J Heep and the equivalent from Health L Bullen. We discussed loads but primarily it was to talk about the carers assessments that they had never looked at which Matt and I produced back in July. One of the interesting little details to come out of that was when both of the assessments stated that we were really concerned that nothing was in place for emergencies, a prophecy we had hoped would never come true but did on Black Friday. Part of those assessments included a care package we needed in the home to help us with Jermaine. It included a couple of hours each morning (vital to prevent another Black Friday) and some time in the evenings and weekends with a lot more during holiday periods. Well, the agency was told 3:45 - 7:00pm only. I have given them the details of the other times we mentioned and they said they can ...

Today I was woken by Pete visiting which was great, love Pete to bits and I’d get out of bed for him any time of day or night and as it was after 9am I can hardly complain! He seemed to be OK, as usual, we could hardly think of anything to say but I am glad he visited all the same. After he left I dealt with Jermaine, changed his nappy and stuff like that, all OK there. Was reading through Nick’s blog and then Charlie turned up, we had a nice chat for some time. I made drinks and cleared up, put things away etc. Nick was still in bed until gone midday, when he got up I had to make drinks again and then they were all playing cards in the lounge and I was in the kitchen repairing a leak and it got me to making the decision I have been building to for days, me and Nick are not working together. He’s lovely and I really do like him but as a couple we are not working because I feel that we each of us have too many pressures to be doing the relationship thing now with anyone other than some...

Today I was woken by Pete visiting which was great, love Pete to bits and I’d get out of bed for him any time of day or night and as it was after 9am I can hardly complain! He seemed to be OK, as usual, we could hardly think of anything to say but I am glad he visited all the same. After he left I dealt with Jermaine, changed his nappy and stuff like that, all OK there. Was reading through Nick’s blog and then Charlie turned up, we had a nice chat for some time. I made drinks and cleared up, put things away etc. Nick was still in bed until gone midday, when he got up I had to make drinks again and then they were all playing cards in the lounge and I was in the kitchen repairing a leak and it got me to making the decision I have been building to for days, me and Nick are not working together. He’s lovely and I really do like him but as a couple we are not working because I feel that we each of us have too many pressures to be doing the relationship thing now with anyone other than some...

Spent a nice evening round Nick’s house (Jan’s too). Managed to get the network going, I mean, connection to the broadband on Nick’s PC which I was really chuffed about as I don’t like to think of him not being connected, I know how I would feel! Jan looked tired by then, the news about her friend Val can’t be helping there, poor Jan. Rich looked knackered too coming to think about it.. good thing they are both having a holiday! Looked through Nick’s pictures of his US visit and I so want to go, one day I shall and I am really pleased he had a good time, he needed that break too and a chance for him to travel away from me, proof that he doesn’t need me to have a life (which I hope he knows by now anyway!) Made the decision today to get Jermaine in nappies, it’s the only way we are going to be able to manage here.

Spent a nice evening round Nick’s house (Jan’s too). Managed to get the network going, I mean, connection to the broadband on Nick’s PC which I was really chuffed about as I don’t like to think of him not being connected, I know how I would feel! Jan looked tired by then, the news about her friend Val can’t be helping there, poor Jan. Rich looked knackered too coming to think about it.. good thing they are both having a holiday! Looked through Nick’s pictures of his US visit and I so want to go, one day I shall and I am really pleased he had a good time, he needed that break too and a chance for him to travel away from me, proof that he doesn’t need me to have a life (which I hope he knows by now anyway!) Made the decision today to get Jermaine in nappies, it’s the only way we are going to be able to manage here.

I was summoned to attend a meeting in town regarding the future of Jermaine, you know, what with me being an unfit parent and all. There were 9 other people there and just me arguing my case, hardly a balanced field. The first priority for the chair was to ask the respite centre just how much they were put out by my actions on Friday and as they started to say how very difficult it had all been, how other service users had been affected and staff did extra time I reminded them that perhaps someone being ‘put out’ was not the primary concern of this meeting. Perhaps that should be why nothing was in place when the call for help came in, why no one had so much as considered there should be a fall back plan. Then the chair brought up the suggestion that Jermaine really would be so much better off as everyone clearly agreed that home was not the best placement and that we could clearly not cope. I reminded her that no one had said any such thing, that what others had said was how difficult...

I was summoned to attend a meeting in town regarding the future of Jermaine, you know, what with me being an unfit parent and all. There were 9 other people there and just me arguing my case, hardly a balanced field. The first priority for the chair was to ask the respite centre just how much they were put out by my actions on Friday and as they started to say how very difficult it had all been, how other service users had been affected and staff did extra time I reminded them that perhaps someone being ‘put out’ was not the primary concern of this meeting. Perhaps that should be why nothing was in place when the call for help came in, why no one had so much as considered there should be a fall back plan. Then the chair brought up the suggestion that Jermaine really would be so much better off as everyone clearly agreed that home was not the best placement and that we could clearly not cope. I reminded her that no one had said any such thing, that what others had said was how difficult...

Today was Tony’s funeral and much of it has blurred by. It has all seemed so surreal, like none of it was happening, I didn’t want it to be, and that is for certain. I was doing fine chatting until we headed off for the church and the vicar had parked his red Volvo out front. I so do not like religion. Waiting outside many introductions were happening, some by me yet I didn’t really notice them, I was away somewhere else in a place where others didn’t really figure. The day was wonderful, for October it was amazing. I sat a little way back from the front of the church, it really didn’t matter when it came to it, I needed to be alone anyway and I have no idea who I was standing next to. Just about as soon as I got settled the realisation that Tony would soon come in hit me. I tried to stay strong, just for a bit but it was never gonna happen. When they walked by me carrying him, the floodgates opened. I actually didn’t stop crying much throughout though there was a brief period when I s...

Today was Tony’s funeral and much of it has blurred by. It has all seemed so surreal, like none of it was happening, I didn’t want it to be, and that is for certain. I was doing fine chatting until we headed off for the church and the vicar had parked his red Volvo out front. I so do not like religion. Waiting outside many introductions were happening, some by me yet I didn’t really notice them, I was away somewhere else in a place where others didn’t really figure. The day was wonderful, for October it was amazing. I sat a little way back from the front of the church, it really didn’t matter when it came to it, I needed to be alone anyway and I have no idea who I was standing next to. Just about as soon as I got settled the realisation that Tony would soon come in hit me. I tried to stay strong, just for a bit but it was never gonna happen. When they walked by me carrying him, the floodgates opened. I actually didn’t stop crying much throughout though there was a brief period when I s...

It was lovely to be asked over by Danny this evening and to meet up with Ian & Richard before the funeral. Nice to meet Phil from next door in his gay capacity. We had nice long chats, Nick got totally rat arsed and can’t remember a thing (probably for the best) and I had to drive home just a tad nervous I would have some serious cleaning up to do.

It was lovely to be asked over by Danny this evening and to meet up with Ian & Richard before the funeral. Nice to meet Phil from next door in his gay capacity. We had nice long chats, Nick got totally rat arsed and can’t remember a thing (probably for the best) and I had to drive home just a tad nervous I would have some serious cleaning up to do.

I am still alive and mentally feeling better than I have for a few days though physically not really any better at all. Of course, thanks to the series of unfortunate events that happened yesterday I now have a much busier week than I had planned trying to prove I am a capable parent. Nick has been wonderful, totally helped out any way he could. He even coloured Zoey's hair earlier which looks quite good let me tell you.

I am still alive and mentally feeling better than I have for a few days though physically not really any better at all. Of course, thanks to the series of unfortunate events that happened yesterday I now have a much busier week than I had planned trying to prove I am a capable parent. Nick has been wonderful, totally helped out any way he could. He even coloured Zoey's hair earlier which looks quite good let me tell you.

Black Friday I have been feeling ill all week and it has been getting progressively worse as the days have gone on. I left a note for Matt asking him if he didn’t have to rush off to college to get the kids off to school and allow me a lay in. Well, he couldn’t do that, not his fault, he has a life too. When he woke me up it was to tell me that Jermaine had a seizure earlier on and now he was being violent and wouldn’t let Matt clean him up but Matt had to go. Jermaine was on his bed when I went in, urine everywhere and he had moved the continence sheets so it had gone through the mattress to the bed and floor, the room stank terrible. I was sweating like hell because of the bug I have and had virtually no energy. Still, as one does I got him into the shower which was a terrible struggle, he wouldn’t let me do anything so I was taking it very slowly which was making me dizzy and more weak. I got him back to his room and dried him and put new pants on then looked around for his trousers...

Black Friday I have been feeling ill all week and it has been getting progressively worse as the days have gone on. I left a note for Matt asking him if he didn’t have to rush off to college to get the kids off to school and allow me a lay in. Well, he couldn’t do that, not his fault, he has a life too. When he woke me up it was to tell me that Jermaine had a seizure earlier on and now he was being violent and wouldn’t let Matt clean him up but Matt had to go. Jermaine was on his bed when I went in, urine everywhere and he had moved the continence sheets so it had gone through the mattress to the bed and floor, the room stank terrible. I was sweating like hell because of the bug I have and had virtually no energy. Still, as one does I got him into the shower which was a terrible struggle, he wouldn’t let me do anything so I was taking it very slowly which was making me dizzy and more weak. I got him back to his room and dried him and put new pants on then looked around for his trousers...

I have to be honest and say that this posting is about how I am feeling and doesn’t contain anything that I would want to have to either prove or justify. Sometimes feelings are so strong and others make an impact on them that they don’t need to be justified. Tony is dead, I can’t change that or, really, just about anything else just now and that isn’t a good feeling. To me Tony was really special and I spent a hell of a lot of time with him, I considered that I was a special friend to him, one he valued on many different levels. It is hurting me like crazy right now that I feel excluded from the sympathy that is pouring in. I mean, it is being targeted well but, well, it is the first time I have ever thought of myself as ‘and all Tony’s other friends’. It really hurts to be clumped like that. I know others miss him too but I also know Tony valued me, was there for me and I for him during some difficult times, some really painful times for the both of us, well, it just doesn’t feel rig...

I have to be honest and say that this posting is about how I am feeling and doesn’t contain anything that I would want to have to either prove or justify. Sometimes feelings are so strong and others make an impact on them that they don’t need to be justified. Tony is dead, I can’t change that or, really, just about anything else just now and that isn’t a good feeling. To me Tony was really special and I spent a hell of a lot of time with him, I considered that I was a special friend to him, one he valued on many different levels. It is hurting me like crazy right now that I feel excluded from the sympathy that is pouring in. I mean, it is being targeted well but, well, it is the first time I have ever thought of myself as ‘and all Tony’s other friends’. It really hurts to be clumped like that. I know others miss him too but I also know Tony valued me, was there for me and I for him during some difficult times, some really painful times for the both of us, well, it just doesn’t feel rig...